- 9 years ago
- Wedding: January 2013
Ok, so I’ve now read through all of the comments and am ready to announce my verdict! lol It sounded funny in my head and I’m hoping you take it that way too OP 🙂
Inc. wall of text, feel free to skip it if you’re not interested. I promise my feelings won’t be hurt, I do tend to ramble. 😛
Anyway, I do still stand by what I originally said. You set the rules/boundries that you and your Fiance were comfortable with and I think you should either stick to them or allow exceptions for everyone. If I were in your shoes I think I would stick to my guns on this one. You should also be understanding if anyone (even your friend of 20 years) declines the invitation because they can’t bring a date (partner or otherwise, weddings can be no fun without a date) and not hold a grudge against them for it.
Now that I’ve said all of that I will give you my personal, somewhat biased, opinion of the situation that has nothing to do with etiquette. 🙂 I absolutely can’t stand cheaters, especially the married kind so keep that in mind as you’re reading all of this. It seems to me like there may be more things wrong with your friendship with this girl (or maybe just with the girl) than just the fact that she can’t bring her BF to your wedding. IMHO she sounds a little insecure since she feels compelled to date a married man and is so attached to him that she’d risk a 20 year friendship for him. Quite possibly she has other issues as well, dating a married man is a pretty big deal IMO. I don’t agree with the idea that it’s ok to date someone who’s married. However, as PP pointed out, maybe this guy is in the process of getting divorced and your friend is ok with that? Maybe he’s told her he’ll leave his wife and she foolishly believes him? Maybe she just likes the excitement that goes with having something forbidden? Whatever the case may be with that, it’s obvious that you and your friend have different values on this particular subject. Weather or not that is enough reason for you to reconsider your entire friendship is up to you, but I think I would be doing just that if I was in your shoes. I completely understand why you wouldn’t want this guy at your weddnig and I don’t think I would feel comfortable with him being at mine either (let alone actually wanting him there… yuck!). I don’t think I’d be comfortable being in the same room with him, and I would have a really hard time being around her to be honest knowing that she was doing something I’m so strongly opposed to. Of course, my stance on this is a bit extreme for a lot of folks and that’s ok too. It’s up to you how you feel about all this.
Definately listen to that little voice in the back of your head! Those are there for a reason and I’ve learned over the years not to ignore mine. I’m not sure that now is the time to bring all of this up with your friend (you’re the best judge of that) but I completely understand your POV and I would be tempted to address my concerns with her. However, I would do it in a way that was completely unrelated to the wedding and guest list. As far as the guest list goes (and thus, weather or not she can bring her BF) I would politely tell her that you and your Fiance want to have a small wedding and that unfortunately, that means he can’t come. Tell her that you will miss her if she doesn’t attend, but that you understand and won’t be upset if she chooses not to come. Try your best to mean it too and not let the fact that she’s missing your wedding be the only thing that ends your friendship (if it does end at all). If you want to bring up her relationship and why you’re not ok with it, why you’re concerned about her, etc. feel free to do so, but keep it seperate from the conversation about wedding stuff if possible. If your friendship with her does end, I think it should be because you have vastly different values and ultimately couldn’t respect her decisions enough to maintain a friendship, not because she didn’t attend your wedding. Like I’ve said, I think her not attending is an understandable choice, as is you not inviting her BF.
I hope that all made sense and that you had the patience to make it to the end of that. Sorry it was so long, but apparently I had a lot to say on the subject lol
P.S. She sounds like the selfish biatch, not you! I totally understand the feeling of wanting the whole situation to just go away, but I don’t think that’s likely to happen any time soon. Go with your gut and don’t change your plans for her is my advice. Stand your ground, but only once. There’s no need to have the conversation again after that. If she brings it up again, change the subject or just simply end the conversation. There’s no reason to stress yourself out over it. If she chooses not to come, fine. If she chooses to come alone, that’s fine too. Don’t give it any more thought once you tell her your decision. Sometimes we need to avoid toxic people, and right now this girl sounds fairly toxic. We’ve all got your back though so feel free to rant here if you need to. 🙂 Now I think I’m finally done lol