(Closed) The Age Old Problem: The Assuming Bridesmaid

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Should I ask her?
    Ask her to be a BM : (9 votes)
    47 %
    Be blunt and tell her she's not a BM but I'd like her to be involved in other ways : (7 votes)
    37 %
    Something else? : (3 votes)
    16 %
  • Post # 3
    2053 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @love108:  I’d be upfront with her now to put an end to it. There is no reason why you have to sit through the agony of more of her pushy-ness until you are ready to ask her, if at all, and the other BMs.

    Push back, politely but firmly and do it simply. The next time she brings it up (or beat her to it next you meet) explain to her that you are not choosing BMs until the summer/fall. Until then, you’d appreciate it if she would respect your decision-making process and stop hinting because, although she is being playful by her terms, it is making you uncomfortable. If you’re good enough friends, she should respect this of you. If not, and if she balks at it, then you have your answer that much sooner about not having her among the bridal party. If she continues to pout about “just” being a BM, and not MOH, I wouldn’t have her be a BM either. Who needs that negative energy around if she’s not going to be honored with being in your bridal party in any capacity? She should be happy for you, not having a contest for BM or MOH. Whether she hates you or not is nothing you can control, but you must set your boundaries NOW. Don’t be afraid to set your boundaries with people like this in your life.


    Post # 5
    11273 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    I think you need to intervene now, before this situation spins in a direction that I don’t think either of you want it to go.

    I would simply sit down with her and address the topic head on, but in a way that still allows you to wait to make any formal decisions.  For example, I would say something along the lines of, “I’m so glad that you’re visiting, and I really appreciate all of the interest you’ve expressed in the wedding. It means a lot. However, because we’re still a year and a half away from the wedding, FI and I are waiting to make a lot of decisions until we’re much closer to the date. Because of this, we have not yet even chosen a bridal party. At this point, we really don’t know how large it will be or whom we will select. I hadn’t planned to even talk about this yet, but, since you’ve raised the issue, I just wanted to explain why I haven’t brought up the issue and why I haven’t been able to answer any of your questions regarding this.”

    I hope that she respects that and doesn’t choose to make this all about herself. I hope that she’ll give you all of the understanding and space that you need to make this decision on your timetable, and that, if she does this, you will discover that you actually do want to include her.

    Post # 7
    1018 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I agree that you need to address it with her (whether subtly or not, your choice) so that she stops making you feel as if your choices are invalid. On the other hand, I think you should be grateful someone is getting excited to be a part of the planning process with you, since you said your other girls haven’t asked. Don’t forget to tell your friend that you genuinely appreciate her enthusiasm and are looking forward to sharing this time with her, while gently letting her know that she needs to be respectful of your choices.

    Post # 8
    9956 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    You need to tell her POINT BLANK… that you are in no rush to choose your Bridal Party.  For now you just want to enjoy your Engagement.

    In reality, nothing says you have to make her a Bridesmaid… no matter how much hinting she does.

    (And YES you can let her know that)

    The choice is yours… you’ll make it when you are ready.. in the meantime she should knock it off.

    Hope this helps,

    PS… I am a BIG fan of waiting until the last possible moment, because with younger women relationships change… and drama pops up (really WHO wants drama when planning a Wedding ?)

    Go with the people who are going to support you, help you… believe in you and whatever Wedding Vision you wish… not someone who is going to criticize or question at every turn.

    I also advise you to familiarize yourself with the list of responsibilities for Bridesmaids (both in what they are meant to do and pay for… as well as your own)… as that can truly change things (a Bridal Party … or being in one can be expensive be it time commitment or money)

    I’ve posted that info before here on WBee… you can search for it… or send me a PM if you want it

    I wouldn’t “sign anyone up” unless they fully comprehend what being one entails… as I’ve seen many a post her from Bride & Maid alike astounded by how expectations didn’t line up (or folks having to drop out because of stuff like that)



    Post # 10
    6746 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I just want to play devil’s advocate and mention that while the other girls haven’t been pushy about being bridesmaids, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re being more respectful of your decision.  It could also mean that she’s a lot more excited for you and wants to help as much as she possibly can and would like the responsibilities that come along with the title and not just the title – and the other girls might care less about your wedding and helping you out with it than she does.  Just a point to think about when letting her down nicely or putting her in her place..

    Post # 12
    6746 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @love108:  yeah I feel you, and lot’s of bees who wish they had girls that interested get girls who just don’t care.  maybe she cares a lot or maybe she just wants the title or likes being in control lol.. just let her down nicely in case it’s bc she really cares. Personally, I’d still choose her as a BM.

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