(Closed) THE ALMIGHTY EX (LONG)…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

That’s a tough situation. Is there a reason that you don’t like her, besides her being his ex? Has he ever given you a reason not to trust him?

I don’t know, I guess I would feel like, he wanted you to give up Pat, and you did, so how is this any different? Tough, tough situation.

 

Post # 4
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I have a question, is there any specific reason that you don’t like her? Obviously aside from the fact that she is his ex.

I have a similar situation in which Fiance still talks to his ex. At first I hated her, only because she’s his ex and she hurt him. I was REALLY leery of them talking still. I didn’t want him to have anything to do with her. But then we talked it out, and in reality they were a big part of each others lives for a long time. FI’s mom still talks to her occassionally, Fiance still talks to her occassionally, and it doesn’t bother me. (It did at first).

Communicating through Facebook, saying hello to each other, friendly catching up is not something I would freak out about. If they’re wanting to hang out on their own, that’s not cool. Fiance and I agreed if the situation ever presented itself, we’d all go out together with his ex and her new b/f. She’s actually a really nice person.

Post # 5
Member
9647 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

your Fiance BROKE his promise to you? after saying how your feelings matter more to him than anything? now he is going to see her, knowing it will upset you?

putting her above you in a way

Post # 6
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Unless there is a specific reason that you “hate” her (other than the fact that your Fiance loved her), you should really go talk to a counselor. This type of jealousy is only going to get worse, and it really isn’t fair to your Fiance. There was an ex that I hated of DHs, I tried to tell him he couldn’t talk to her and it just made him not like ME. I let go, and his communication finally just fizzled out on its own as we got busier in life. I truly hope you go talk to someone by yourself– it sounds like you and he are both really unhappy about this πŸ™ hang in there!

Post # 7
Member
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

First of all, your writing style made me smile. πŸ™‚

On one hand, I can totally relate to this since I was the same way.  Except (and please don’t think I’m an a-hole for saying this) I was 14 at the time.

If the only reason you don’t like her is because she’s an ex, that seems immature to me.  Have you ever met her?  Do you fear that if they keep in contact that something will happen between them?

If the answer to both of those questions is no, then I think you should try to let this go.  Maybe start by meeting her even.  I’m just unclear on how she became the “enemy”.  HAS she flirted with him in the past while they were talking?  Or were they just talking like friends like your Fiance says?

It kind of sounds like you two are possessive of each other when it comes to the opposite sex, would that be fair to say?  Or is it just ex’s?  I’m not trying to be harsh, but you’re coming off as pretty insecure and I’m not sure if your Fiance has done anything to make you feel this way, or if it’s just “stuff from the past” bubbling up.  You must really be missing your girlfriends right now, sometimes they can give us the perspective we need.

ETA: Can you give one of your old friends who knows you (and your FI) well a call?  That might give you some comfort as well as talking it out here on the ‘bee. πŸ™‚

Post # 8
Member
3136 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Am I the only one who thinks it’s best to keep exes in the past? I’m not super jealous but I don’t think I’d be comfortable with R being in close contact with an ex. We’re in our 39s tho and don’t even bother with any of this nonsense. By our age exes have married & have kids. 

That said, going crazy and being extremely emotional will never work. At a calm moment explain why it makes you uncomfortable. Also, be open to meeting her. I have friends that are so close to his ex that they were both in her wedding. Maybe you will like her!

 

Post # 9
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

It’s tough. I get the “I’m uncomfortable with you having any contact with exes.” And I can also see the “I’ve known this person for a third (or whatever) of my life- I don’t want to cut them out.” More of their history together was just as friends.

Have you ever met her? Because maybe that would help, like it did for SweetVanity (but with another person there, not just the 3 of you.) 

You wrote- “someone who I know for sure doesn’t give a rats ass anymore about my future husband”- I take that to mean that you don’t view her as a threat to your relationship, but your post is written as if you do. 

“his past is so important to him, and I can’t stand him going backwards all the time”- This I don’t understand- it doesn’t sound like he’s doing that, unless there’s something else you haven’t mentioned- they’ve only had contact with each other once in seven months, after passing each other.

Post # 11
Member
1120 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

You know, the more you try to keep him away from her, the more he’s going to want to go there. It’s not about wanting to talk to her as much as it is about feeling like he’s free to do what he wants and knowing you trust him. I bet if you cut him some slack, their contact will become less frequent to the point where they email only on birthdays and christmas to say hi.

 

Post # 12
Member
1120 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

@Gleamingbridexo:  oh and I understand the feeling about the fact that she dumped him… I’ve been there with Darling Husband. His ex is a great girl however; and while I felt really uneasy about their friendship at first (she dumped him, she’s absolutely gorgeous, she’s a doctor, speaks 5 languages, is good at everything she does, and better than me in a sport we both practice, and she didn’t dump him because she didn’t love him anymore, so she took it hard when we got engaged)… well I got to know her – I figured I’d rather have her close to me than build a wall and force Darling Husband to make a choice at the very beginning of our relationship when he had all this history with her and was just getting to know me.

With time, their contacts became less and less frequent and today, she’s finally in another relationship, and Darling Husband sees her like, once a year, always when I’m also there – we usually invite her for dinner…

Post # 13
Member
9686 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Wow, my heart goes out to you.  I feel he’s being very inconsiderate of your feelings.  And obviously he would not want you to behave with another man the way he is behaving with her.  However, all that said, I want to say DON’T GIVE UP.  SHE DOES NOT HAVE POWER!  He loves YOU and wants to marry you.  YOU have power.  From now on, drop it.  Don’t mention her or give her an ounce of your energy!  She is not worth it.  Focus on planning your lovely wedding and being the most loving and patient future wife you can be!  Win him over completely with your patience and understanding.  Tell him you have had a change of heart and you are now completely FINE with the two of them being friends.  DO NOT LET IT BOTHER YOU.  She wants to win.  Don’t let her!  If it does bother you, keep it to yourself; talk to a friend or this Board but do NOT talk to him any more about it.  It almost sounds like a power struggle.  You are not going to be able to stop him from doing this.  He is proving to himself that you or nobody else controls him but himself.  This is a typical guy thing to do.  Don’t fall for it, just rise above it.  If you follow this advice he’ll soon be bored with her and intrigued by YOU.  Keep telling yourself that he loves you and you love him and your love will win out.  You will be his WIFE and she’ll just be nothing more than an old friend.  Don’t let negative emotions become attached to his feelings for you.  Be perfect in your behavior towards him.  And he’s going to wonder, what has come over her?  You will win this, trust me.  Stay calm.  Good luck!!

Post # 14
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@mommytobee:  I agree with everything you said.

Post # 15
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee

To be honest, yeah it sounds like you’re being pretty possessive. If she’s given you no reason for you to dislike her other than that she’s close to your Fiance it doesn’t sound like a very healthy attitude to take. You’re Fiance is 27 and the realtionship ended sometime during college? Then they have had years to process their relationship, which you haven’t had. It’s okay to be jealous but when you give a person ultimatums like that (esp. guys) they don’t react well.

It sounds like you two are both pretty jealous by nature and need to process. Did he hang out with her a lot or talk to her too much (like every day)? Would just agreeing to be less dependent on her be enough? You can’t change that they’re close, that’s just too much history and it wouldn’t be fair. I do think you can request that they rely on each other less, if that is the case. If my SO was telling me not to see people I dated 9 years ago and would cry and get mad at me when I did it would weird me out.

Post # 16
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think you are being completely irrational and I second PP’s suggestion of counseling. You have a right to not like his ex, but that shouldn’t prevent him from being friends with her. I know you can’t help how you feel, but try to change how you act and call yourself out when your feelings are irrational.

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