(Closed) The ‘asking for money’ arguement

posted 8 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 63
Member
2253 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@mrschristie91012: If it makes you feel better, my sister actually did put on her invitation something along the lines of, “In keeping with the Vietnamese culture, we ask that all gifts be monetary.” I’m not quite sure of the exact wording she used but you get the idea. As far as I could tell, none of her guests seemed offended. Some even called to thank her for the inclusion because they were more comfortable conforming to what was the norm for us.

Like what some PP said above, just depends on your guests.

Post # 64
Member
2583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@happybbbeee:

I totally get that.  But like I asked before (and Im not asking you specifically, just in general):

If the cultural norm is to give money, why go through the extra step of begging for it?

If the cultural norm is to give money, people within that culture will know to give money, and people outside of the culture will do what they feel comfortable with – and since people shouldn’t feel obligated to give gifts anyway, its not the end of the world if you get a few non-monetary gifts from people who are not part of your culture.

Post # 65
Member
5790 posts
Bee Keeper

@mrschristie91012: Since you are from another country, what is the norm where you live and among your friends and family? If its something that is regularly done and no one gives it another thought, I wouldn’t let the opinions of other people deter you. People seem to get indignant over some of the silliest things when it comes to weddings.

Post # 66
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

@mandypop: totally this!

I see 100% absolutely nothing wrong with giving money! Nor with cultures that do so! It’s the message “GIVE ME MONEY” (by way of invitation or other presumptuous means) that makes me cringe a little.

Gift giving can be a deeply personal and sentimental thing for some people. It is not simply a matter of practicality (though practicality plays into it), so making demands/suggestions/requests any of that about gifts makes me uncomfortable.

If I’m being completely honest even gift registries make me uncomfortable but they are SO expected that I realized that standing my ground on that issue would end up inconveniencing my guests… the opposite of what I wanted.

Anyways, Money! Thumbs up I love it, I hope you get BOATLOADS of it, all of you. If you’re from a culture where that’s the traditional and expected gift, COOL, I hope you’re as generous with your loved ones as they are with you, giving money is rad!

But there isn’t really a need to tell people how much you love cash. Really.

Post # 67
Member
4335 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@mrschristie91012: Usually when someone posts in a public forum, and gives a scenario and asks, “WHATS WRONG WITH THAT!?” they shouldn’t be offended if someone else gives their personal opinion about what they find wrong with that…

Post # 68
Member
627 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

We live in a studio apartment, we literally have been donating and storing items because we do not have enough space for the things we already own. But like others have said, asking for money is never the best choice. 

I really don’t understand why anyone feels the need to ask for anything? What is the fear? 

Post # 70
Member
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I disagree with most of the people here. I have been to two weddings recently. Wedding one said, at the bottom of the invite:

X and Y kindly request no gifts. (This was an older couple, both previously married).

Wedding invite two said:

As X and I live in a tiny, shoebox sized flat, we kindly request no gifts. However, a small donation towards the cost of a new camera, and our honeymoon, would be greatly appreciated. (This was a young couple in their 20s).

When my boyfriend saw the invite, his first reaction was “well, that’s modest enough”. I agreed. I didn’t find that rude or tacky. On the contrary, I think that sending this couple a toaster or a gift card after they had made a polite request like that (which some people have said they woud be tempted to do) is EXTREMELY bad manners. If I saw a fellow guest at a wedding do that, I would think “heck, not inviting them to my wedding!”.

By the way, I am thinking of wording my invite in a similar way when I finally get married. In Chinese culture, you give red packets with money in them at weddings… it’s similar all across South East Asia. I think it should really catch on in the UK too. Because most people live together in the UK before they get married, they don’t want stuff… they have it already and it’s a nightmare to dispose of, plus you don’t want to offend people by getting rid of their gifts. I would much rather have £50 than a £150 toaster I can’t use! To be honest, I’d rather have either cash or nothing at all than a present!

But the poem… yeuch! But then, I find poems on invites vomit inducing anyway.

Post # 71
Member
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Apologies… I should probably have stated two things before. Firstly, I am not from the US, and I suspect that things are different there. For example, you guys require bridesmaids to buy their own dresses… but then give them gifts? And I wouldn’t have even known about the concept of “favours” if I hadn’t been such a lurker on these sites…. maybe something cute like a silver sixpence each, but not an actual present! I mean… do people really keep the presents afterwards? Plus that’s like bribing someone to come… I mean, why wouldn’t you come without a bribe, LOL!

Thinking about it, I would probably word my invitation something like this:

As X and I currently live in a very small house/flat and have everything we need, we kindly request no gifts. However, should you wish it, a small donation towards the cost of Y and Z would be greatly appreciated (but by no means mandatory… the pleasure of your company is more than enough!).

 That sums up neatly what I would like… either cash or nothing at all (except for very close family who might want to give me something meaningful, but I know that they would ignore all my instructions in such an invite anyway, correctly assuming that it was not meant for them!)

Post # 72
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

this is heated! lol

i would suggest asking family members or your moms for their opinions. All cutures celebrate weddings in different ways. i am Canadian with an italian, polish and ukrainian background. Some of our families invitations have ‘monetary gifts preferred’ as the last line on the invitation. it does not seem rude or tacky. just their preference. If i am going to spend $200, i would rather give them something they could use. Our family always gives cash gifts, regardless of a registry or not. infact there is not even a gift table at the reception.

However i went to a friends wedding last year, whose brown and red invite had a white sticker in the top right corner that said monetary gifts preferred. i was insulted. it didn’t seem classy or tactful. i still gave her the same amount had their been no sticker. i don’t think that if my gift was any less, that she would attribute it to her tackyness, but more of my frugileness.

 

Post # 73
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’m in New Zealand and it’s highly unusual to receive a wedding invitation that does NOT include information requesting a particular form of gift (vouchers or cash etc).

We have very few options for registering so most couples opt to request vouchers or use a wishing well poem.  Personally, I’m not bothered or offended although I prefer the voucher option as opposed to the wishing well (we requested vouchers)

Post # 74
Member
1434 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

were Greek (money is the norm) & we wrote “enveloped gifts only”

Post # 75
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Etiquette is just that…Etiquette. your family and friends will love you regardless of what you ask for. I would still suggest registering for a few items for those people that are determined to get a gift no matter what instead of giving cash. That way you at least end up with something you could use and not some random crystal vase (with no gift receipt!)…there’s most likely going to be people that will opt out of giving you cash regardless of your request so just make sure you find a way to make the most of their gift giving too 🙂

Post # 76
Member
2253 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t quite understand why requesting monetary gifts in lieu of a registry is considered bad manners or incite such bad feelings. Isn’t the idea of a registry meant to help the new couple in setting up a household? In practicality, cash gifts serve the same purpose especially given so many couple live together before the wedding. Except with cash gifts the couple can decide direcly how the gift can help them in their future. Plus, just because a couple asks (in whatever form) doesn’t mean they will receive it or as much as they hope for.  It’s just a preference. I don’t know, maybe it’s my cultural standpoint, but it’s hard for me to understand why this is such a prickly subject.

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