(Closed) The ‘asking for money’ arguement

posted 8 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 78
1916 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

If this topic is receiving so much controversy on the knot, you should assume that your guests will have the same reaction.  Etiquette is simply a way to relieve these pressures.  By not having a registry, most people will assume you want cash or will give you a small gift of their choosing.  If you ask for money, there will obviously be people who will be ruffled by it.

Post # 79
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

We had the same problem as you…. Darling Husband and I lived together, had everything we needed for our house, so we really just prefered cash as gifts.

Darling Husband is European and so on our European invitations we included a small picture/image of an envelope, which indicated we (the couple) would like a monetary gift.  This is 100% normal here. In fact, out of all the wedding invitations we have received in the past 5 years (15-20 in total), they have all had the envelope image on them.

Of course, when we sent the North American invitations we couldn’t make mention that we would prefer cash, because it’s “tacky”. Looking back at it now, I think it’s ridiculous, and I regret that I was worried about offending people by not placing a symbol or note.  Why??? Because of all the time wasted having to “carefully” and “correctly” explain to someone why you would prefer cash instead of a specific gift. And of course, guests are asking your family members and bridal party too, all who have to tip-toe around this question.

I just don’t understand why, when we are brought up in a culture to speak up and say what you want (lists for birthday presents, lists for christmas, etc), it is suddenly bad etiquette because it involves a wedding?????

Post # 80
2253 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@mrschristie91012: I think this also just depends on the couple you are asking. Fiance and I are paying for all attire costs for our bridal party. Almost every couple in our family or in our circle of friends have done the same, regardless of race/cultural.  Like the melting pot that it is, etiquette or the “norm” will vary in America. I don’t think there is one set way to do anything.  

With the money issue, I’m just going to have to agree to disagree on this forum, and that’s perfectly fine. It’s a forum.

Post # 81
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Yeah I think it’s better if you have friends and family spread the word that you would like money maybe without you directly saying it. Also, make it obvious that you don’t EXPECT money or even a gift, and also that you will be appreciative if someone wants to give you a special gift instead of money.

Post # 82
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Rachel631:I like that “kindly request no gifts” but if you want to thing. Maybe there’s a way to word that that doesn’t discourage homemade gifts? What if a great aunt had been planning on making you a quilt or a recipie book etc. and didn’t know if that was welcome? It probably is assumed that it would be, but still! 

Post # 83
689 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

You titled it “asking for money arguement”, I think this is pretty civil for an “arguement”. Asking for anything is not the way to go. Ever. If you want mostly cash register for a few things for the bambino and one or two things for yourself and Fiance. Things that would be a total splurge. He wants a plasma tv? Register for it. Once people see the registry is fulfilled, they’ll put their money in an envelope for you.

Post # 84
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I wouldn’t put it on the invitation – I just don’t think you need it. It takes away from the purpose of the invitation – to invite.

That being said, I would not be offended if a couple indicated their prefernce for monetary gift. If I like you enough to go to your wedding and celebrate with you, I like you enough to give you what you want and need.

I would NEVER, in a million years, give somebody less than I would have, or give somebody something they wouldn’t want – just because I didn’t like their way of asking. That’s just judgmental and vindictive – not to mention childish. Not that people aren’t allowed to be judgmental – just that if I had felt that way towards you, chances are we wouldn’t be friends and I wouldn’t bother attending your wedding at all.

Post # 85
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

@kerri13: Good point… quilts and recipe books would be welcome! I think that maybe close family would buy me gifts anyway though, even if I “kindly requested no gifts”? My Dad put that on his wedding invites, and my brother, myself, and our partners all chipped in to buy him an engraved carriage clock, plus my stepmother’s daughters came together and bought them a gift as well. Stuff like chipping together to get somethiing unique is fine… I just can’t bear the thought of getting things like toasters, cutlery, towels, champagne flutes… aaaargh!!!

Post # 86
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Asking for cash up front in the invite is rude because it signals that folks should be expected to give you gifts. However, I completely understand that you don’t need a bunch of “stuff” at this point in your life.

Three suggestions:

1. Register at a baby store. You’re going to need that stuff anyway. Anyone who is willing to buy you a gift to honor the transition of marriage in your life should be willing to buy you a gift to honor the transition of a new baby. Anyone who is SHOCKED by the reality of your pregnancy is going to need to deal with it in person on your wedding day or risk creating their own etiquette faux pas.

2. Get the word out through friends and family that, if people plan to get a gift, money will be the most useful to you.

3. For those who just CAN’T give you money or a baby gift, register for a bunch of stuff at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, since they let you return for cash. If anyone asks you whether you’re using the stuff, say you had to downsize in the move.

Problem solved. Everyone can return their pearls to the unclutched position.

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