Post # 1
Ugh….I tried so hard to prevent stuff like this from happening by having a clear guest list of no more than 99 including us (as per our venue’s contract). We communicated this to our parents and told them that if they wanted to add anyone that they would have to pay the extra $250 the venue charges for parties of 100-149 guests, plus the cost of the food. They said it was fine and didn’t want to invite anyone so we did the guest list ourselves and it turned out perfect with 98 people. This weekend, the moms hosted a wedding shower (I had provided the guest list so they knew who to invite) and Future Mother-In-Law still invited about 7 people that I had never met! My mom was making small talk with one before she left and the last thing she said to her was “see you at the wedding!” so they are clearly under the impression that they will be invited but FH and I told his mom the next day that we do not have an invitation or place for them and she said she didn’t expect us to so I am confused.
FH’s parents are divorced and his father 1. didn’t go to the shower because of a bunch of petty reasons and 2. did not communicate our limited guest list to his sisters (FHs aunts) who also brought an extra friend with them.
Part of me feels so bad for not having a place for these people because they all brought us gifts and some of them even traveled to attend the party but we are paying for this wedding ourselves and since it’s me that wanted the “big” wedding, I’m actually the one paying for most of it and it would cost about $400 or more to accomidate all these extra guests.
Another last minute person to come into my life is a new coworker. I’ve worked in a small office for 2.5 years where we are all very close (know each other’s spouses, babysit kids if help is needed etc.) and included everyone on the guest list which was finalized a week or two before this new girl was interviewed/hired. Now I’m conflicted because I don’t want her to feel like I excluded her on purpose. I was thinking of giving her an invite anyway in hopes that enough people would decline that I still wouldn’t exceed the 98 we already have but what if everyone does come? Then I’d be paying an extra $250 plus meals for someone I barely even know and if I’m being honest don’t really get along with that well. If I’m going to pay that extra money I would prefer it be on people we both know and that I actually get along with. I will have known her all of 5 months when we get married and FH and I decided long ago not to invite anyone we don’t both know and like I said… we don’t really click like I have with everyone else and I wouldn’t hang out with her outside of work so it seems weird to try to intoduce them just because of that.
The other women in the office keep asking questions about wedding planning while she’s in the room and I try to make the answers as short and sweet as I can and then move on before she inevitably joins in the conversation but she’s already asked me about my venue and today started trying to give me suggestions about needing glitter or confetti or something to toss at the end of the ceremony and I tried to just be polite like “nice idea” but then she started looking up small glitter/confetti cannons and I said I’m not a fan because I think it’s wasteful and can hurt the environment to which her response was “but it’s so pretty to look at” which I feel is a good example of why our personalities don’t mesh very well outside of work.
Right now I’m leaning towards just leaving things as is and going on with the plan we had made but I also know that weddings make people weird and I don’t want to be dealing with or blamed for any hurt feelings and fall outs if they can be easily avoided so while this was mostly a rant I’ll take any advice you Bees might have on how to navigate this.
Post # 2
Ok deep breath – it’s ok. The verbal ‘see you at the wedding’ means nothing. No need to invite those ppl. It was an honest mistake based on an assumption that they would be there and not knowing who those ppl were. Ignore and move on.
for the colleague – wait and see. If you have space invite her. If you don’t you don’t. She hasn’t known you long so I doubt expects an invite. Also I don’t think she’d be offended being asked last min. Especially if you explain that the guest list was finalised before you met, but now that great aunt Norah can’t make it you’d much rather have her there. peekaboobs :
Post # 3
I think its definitely not on you to invite the randos that attended the bridal shower. That was Future Mother-In-Law & FFILs issue.
For your co-worker, I would consider a B-list for her. I NEVER think B-lists are cool, but I think it would be incredibly hurtful to be the ONLY person excluded. Also, I would get your co-workers addresses and mail the invites so you aren’t handing them out at work unless you intend to give her an invite up front. Again, that would just further perpetuate her exclusion. I would consider the $250 a drop in the bucket to avoid future career issues!
Post # 4
I would not spend more money to invite strangers or new coworkers to my wedding, keep the guest list as it is.
For your coworker, I get that it might suck feeling “left out” but realistically, she got hired on 5 months ago, she must realize that that’s too soon for her to recieve an invite to your wedding? If I were in her shoes, I wouldnt be offended. She’s probably joining in on the wedding talk to be social and get to know you guys.
Post # 5
jellybellynelly : I collected everyone’s mailing adresses the week she had started so that’s covered! I’ll keep an extra invite on hand for her and if I get any declines, I will probably just give it to her at work (that what B-list means, right?) and hope she understands.
Post # 6
peekaboobs : B list is giving out extra invites when people decline. AKA – not good enough for the A list, but if you have an opening they are good enough to fill a seat. A new person is one of the only (imo) acceptable uses of a B list, new friend, new co-worker, new spouse, etc.
Post # 7
peekaboobs : This is why the bride and groom should make it clear from the beginning that they are the only ones in control of the guest list.
But bee, this is no longer about guest lists or money, you need to show your inlaws who is in control of your lives. They went behind your back and you need to do what needs to be done to make sure they dont come to the wedding. Tell The inlaws they need to inform these guests that they are not invited. Get their address and send them a letter or phone call if you must. But dont let the inlaws think they can control you.
Post # 8
I’d leave your guest list as is. It’s not on you to take on the added cost and headache of inviting random people to your wedding because someone else screwed up their communication.
As for the coworker – putting myself in her shoes I wouldn’t be hurt by not getting an invitation. You hardly know her and had your guest list sorted before she even started. But this is also why I’m firmly on team “no coworkers at weddings”.
Post # 9
honeybunbee : I don’t think they went behind our back, exactly, fmil offered up her house to host so I guess she’s entitled to invite who ever she wants but imo it’s rude to invite someone to a shower if you have no intention of inviting them to the wedding but she didn’t seem to agree. We made it very clear to her that unless she pays, we are not inviting those people.
And as for ffil and his sisters, the friend wasn’t exactly some rando, she has been friends with THEM for a long time and we’ve seen her at family get-togethers but I don’t even know her name to address an invite if I wanted to. I think they thought that since his dad wasn’t coming that she could take his place and like his mother didn’t consider whether or not she would be invited to the actual wedding. We haven’t had a chance to talk to Future Father-In-Law about it but it’s going to be along the same lines of what we told fmil. So like I said…maybe not behind our backs but they defintely did not think things through.
Post # 10
I wouldn’t worry about either!
My mum invited a handful of people to my shower that weren’t invited to the wedding. I felt terrible at first and asked her not to – but apparently in her group of friends that’s just how they all do it. That way they still get to celebrate with their friends when they can’t invite them to the wedding. It’s not like inviting your own acquaintance to the shower, but not the wedding.
Besides, even if there was a miscommunication it’s totally not your issue. They’ll know that you didn’t personally invite them to the shower since you don’t even know them.
AND I wouldn’t worry about the coworker either. Inviting coworkers isn’t even that common. If she’s only been there a few months I really doubt she’ll expect an invite!
Post # 11
I would keep my list as is unless parents are willing to pay for any extra guests. As for the new coworker this is your wedding. It’s not an office birthday party. She is not your friend and should not expect or be given an invitation. The people you invited from your job are not just coworkers they are your friends.