- 7 years ago
Ok, so I’ve been on weddingbee for awhile doing all of the fun wedding planning, but now it’s getting closer to our wedding — and the dreaded bachelor party. My regular user name has my real name in it, so I made up this account to ask for some advice…
Can I ban my fiance from having a bachelor party?
Let me explain…
My fiance and I have been dating for a number of years. We are head over heels crazy about each other. We still hold hands, he opens doors for me, and people always think we must have just met because we’re so “lovey dovey.” He is sweet, funny, brilliant, and very successful. Everything was going great until this whole bachelor party thing came along. At first, I didn’t think it would be a big deal. My fiance was in a wedding about a year ago (for the guy who is now his best man), and he decided not to go to the bachelor party in vegas out of respect for me, because he knew it was going to be out of control. (I didn’t even ask him not to go!).
We’ve talked about our own bachelor/bachelorette parties, and we both agreed that if you’ve found someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with, why would you be going out looking to see other people naked, etc. etc. etc. right before making that vow? It just seems like the exact OPPOSITE thing you should be doing at that point. Now, I am not a total prude – I love going out, dancing, clubs.. my fiance and I go out all the time, so it’s not as if I’m trying to make him settle down. If anything, we both like the fact that we haven’t changed our lifestyles due to being a couple, we still go out and have fun just as much as we used to.
Anyways, I thought we were on the same page about the bachelor/bachelorette parties — either not having anything, or having something low key like a spa day / golf day. However, I asked my fiance about a month ago if his groomsmen and said anything about a bachelor party, and he says that yes, they are probably going to do something. He said it would be low key, and I jokingly said – yeah, low key with Best Man in charge of planning it? Yeah right. Finace laughed and said hey, I can’t control what he plans, it’s out of my hands now. I haven’t heard anything about it since then, except for a certain email…see below.
Before I get to the email, I should point out that the best man is a trust fund baby. He has unlimited money to spend on this party, and I have heard really bad stories from best man about how he, my fiance, and other guys in their “Crew” have done some crazy partying involving at least one guy in their group having sex with a stripper in the champagne room. They are all very good looking guys, so they also get lots of attention when they go out. Additionally, before I met my fiance, he “dated” a stripper. Disgusting, I know. And the problem is that he lied about it to me – he was getting all these calls from an ex, and I eventually grilled him into telling me that she worked at a strip club but was “just a waitress.” I said, yeah right, she was a stripper, and he looked me in the eye and said No, she was a waitress. Well, guess what, I later found out she WAS a stripper, and fiance “justified” his lie by saying he was embarrased and didn’t want me to break up with him for thinking he was gross. That’s the only time I know of that he’s been untruthful to me, but I can’t let that go, and the fact that he can look me in the eye and lie if there is a justification for it really bothers me. It also makes me wonder if he will have a wild and crazy bachelor party and lie about it to me, because he will feel justified in lying to “protect” me.
I couldn’t imagine being with anyone except my fiance because he is absolutely perfect to me, but this one issue is literally driving me to the point of nervous breakdown because I just can’t stop thinking about it. Yes, I have shared my feelings with my fiance, and he knows that I don’t agree with him going to strip clubs with the guys. But so far I have been trying to not be controlling, so I have left it at “I don’t agree with going to strip clubs, but I’m not going to tell you what to do.”
Now, to make matters worse, this paranoia has driven me to do something I swore I would never do…while he was in the bathroom, I looked through his email that was open on a browser on his computer. I am so embarrased and ashamed of this, I swore I was never going to be “that girl.” But, apparently, his best man emailed him about a week ago with a list of places to choose from for a bachelor party. Fiance emailed him back picking a few places he wanted to go! To his benefit, he told his best man he wanted to pass on Vegas, but that a handful of other big cities would be good. Best man wrote back that he liked the cities, and “the whores are relatively clean there.” Now, I know best man is totally joking with that comment (i hope!) but there is absolutely NO WAY that the best man is going to plan a bachelor party that doesn’t involve strippers and/or possibly something worse. Best man’s bachelor party was in vegas, and no one has ever spoken about what happened there; the crew apparently has a very solid code of silence. Ugh. Plus, my fiance is planning this bachelor party via email and hasn’t even mentioned anything about it to me? Isn’t that strange?
If anyone has any advice…pleaseeee help! I feel like i have turned into a cazy person that I don’t even recognize, all over a stupid bachelor party! :/ My friends tell me that everyone has bachelor parties, and that’s that. I just can’t accept that. It seems like I have 3 options: 1) figure out a way to deal with it and try to accept it; 2) flat out ban the bachelor party, altho I would hate to be controlling or make him resent me; or 3) Make myself feel better by having a wild bachelorette party myself – altho I really don’t think #3 is an option bc I have no desire + I don’t want to stoop to that level + I don’t think it would do anything to make me feel better.