- 8 years ago
- Wedding: May 2009
I know that every marriage has the good, the bad and the ugly. Everyone likes to hear about rainbows and butterflies when it comes to marriage, but I need to talk about the bad & the ugly.
I feel like my husband and I are on two totally different pages when it comes to children. We got married 1 year & 8 months ago. I’m 30 years old, and we were together MANY MANY MANY years before we got married. After we got married, I waited about 6 months, and then I started talking to him about kids. He COMPLETELY shut down, saying that he didn’t want kids right now. I was heart broken. This was one thing that we didn’t talk about before we got married (BIG mistake). I mean, we had always discussed children in the future, and we both want them. But we never discussed WHEN. I just assumed that shortly after we got married, we’d start trying for kids. It’s not like we had only been together a year or two. And it’s not like we were 25.
I tried to discuss it again about 6 months later– around our one year anniversary– and I got the same response. “I’m not ready for kids, and I’m not sure when I will be ready.”
In the past few months, we’ve talked about it casually. And he’s said several times that we would start trying in February, after our ski trip. He even said it last week. I went off BC in December (first month off) and have been charting (and using condoms) to AVOID pregnancy in the beginning.
On NYE, he was drunk, and I overheard him talking to a friend of a friend about us trying to have a baby. They were having an in depth conversation. Last night, I told him how much it bothers me that he was having a conversation with an-almost-stranger about trying to have children (or not), but he won’t have a calm, in depth conversation with me to tell me how he feels.
He got mad, like he always does when I bring up kids, and told me he was tired of me putting pressure on him and that I was always talking about babies and always demanding a date when we could start trying. The problem is that I SAID NONE OF THIS LAST NIGHT! I repeated that I was not asking when we’d have a kid– that I was saying I was upset that he would talk to someone else, but he won’t open up to me about how he was feeling. He kept saying that he was so tired of me asking and putting pressure on him. He also said that he is not ready “and has no idea when he’ll be ready.” I asked him why he had been telling me February, and he said he is NOT going to start trying in February and he doesn’t know when he’ll want to start trying.
I know he said a lot of this in the heat of the moment. But I’m heart broken. I’m so sad! I REALLY want to have kids, and I don’t think this is a premature step for us. We have been together over 10 years, and we will be married for almost 2 years. And at this point, I will be 31 by my first child. I know you are never fully READY to have a baby and that it changes a lot. But I feel like I am there. And most of all, I wish he was feeling that too. I feel like I have to push off what I want, just to make him happy. There is no compromise. I’m also sad that he just shuts down about things and won’t talk to me. I feel like he is regressing and becoming more immature, because he is scared that his life will change too much with a baby.
I feel like he never wants to “grow up”… I am ready to settle down, be ADULTS, have a nice home life with a baby and spend time with friends and family WITH a baby. He still wants to party and feels like a baby will change his life too much.