(Closed) The bad & the ugly

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
2872 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@LoveHappy: First Im so sorry to hear that you guys arent on the same page with this.

Second, how old is your hubs? is he the same age?

 

Post # 5
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

Oh man, that stinks. How is your relationship other than this issue? And how is your communication overall? If you ever need to talk to him about other things, does he push you away/shut down like he does with the baby topic? Basically, aside from the baby topic, is everything else great? Is it just this one thing?

Post # 6
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

So he blows up every time you guys talk–but that’s all i see. Him blowing up. Not having a rational discussion about it. About why he doesn’t think he’s ready or other issues that could be addressed. He’s probably struggling with the idea of his life changing. Maybe there is a way you could discuss this with him in the most non threatening manner possible. And if he freaks out…this is just me, but i’d call him out on it and tell him this is a conversation we’re having because for me, not having kids is a dealbreaker.

Post # 7
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Has he ever done this before – just completely shut down about a subject?  Is there anything you’ve done in the past to help him open up to you?  A couple ideas I have:  Sometimes my husband and I write in a shared journal if a topic seems too big or scary to talk about it.  It helps us organize our thoughts, and it gives the other person a little insight into why a subject might be difficult for us to talk about.

Ummmmm, or maybe you could talk it over together in a “safe place” like a counselor’s office?  I know not everyone is willing to go to counseling, but a counselor is a neutral third party who can referee or guide the discussion to get to the real root of the problem.

Maybe you could ask his friend, who he was having the conversation with?  Maybe your husband’s worried about opening up with you, but if he was being honest with his friend, that might give you some insight into why this is such a big deal for him.

Post # 8
Member
2872 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I agree with pp suggestion to put it down on paper. –sometimes subjects are just scary.

let me ask you this…because this was a huge roadblock for my Fiance and I when it first came to the baby talk.

When you talk about it are you negative about it? for example do you say things like, “I wish you were ready” Or “It upsets me that we aren’t there right now”

My Fiance told me that he wished I would be more positive about it. So I started putting a positive spin on it like “Our family is going to be wonderful” or “Isn’t this outfit awesome, I cant wait till our little one can wear that one day” Ever since then there has been a dramatic shift in his attitude about it.  He is now ready to start trying and freely talks about it with me.

Just a suggestion, because people pick up on the underlying message in a conversation, if the underlying message is I wish YOU were different and on the same page with me, he will pick up on that.

 

Post # 9
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Maybe you two should go talk to a third party, he seems to be wanting to talk about it to someone/anyone.  Maybe he feels like something he is going to say is going to hurt your feelings.

Post # 10
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I have to say, this sounds like a perfect topic to discuss with a marriage counselor.  Not just about having the baby, but about how hard it is for you to talk about it with each other. That suggests there’s even more going on than there appears on the surface.

Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think too part of the problem is guys not hearing the biological clock ticking. 

I know kids and dogs are different, but when I really wanted a puppy and my Darling Husband (then BF) wasn’t sure I would constantly point out occassions where it would be nice to have a dog.  When we were laying around watching a movie, I would say, see how nice it would be if we had a dog to lay here with us.  When we would go to the beach I would say, see how much fun it would be to bring a dog here.  I think over time he saw how easily a dog could fit into our lifestyle.  I think the same thing might help for a baby. 

Post # 12
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Sad.  I can understand how difficult that would be. I personally would start with space on the issue because it seems a bit heated right now.  Maybe tell him that you don’t want to pressure him because you want both of you to be into it, but that you’d like to talk about it in March or April.  And you won’t say anything before then.  That might give him time to think about it on his own without pressure.

This was a huge issue with Darling Husband and I before we got married and we actually broke up over it.  (Me wanting kids, him not sure and wanting to make sure I was getting what I wanted out of a marriage.)  Taking the pressure off – completely – helped him figure it out for himself.  Now that you are married, I’m sure you want to adjust the scenario a bit…

Also one huge breakthrough we had was when I mentioned that I could compromise with planning for just 1 child (instead of 2).  He saw this as a major concession on my part (although I had no idea it would matter) and realized I was willing to compromise too.  Eventually you will have to figure out why it scares him so that hopefully you can alleviate some of the fears…

Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@LoveHappy:I would try to respect his feelings and his issue with this situation. I would tell him “I respect that you do not want to be pressured to have this conversation but it’s very important to me. When would be a good time to follow up with you so we can talk because I am confused? Let it be on his terms and see if that works better. He seems afraid and may need a little reassuring and validation from his woman.

Post # 14
Member
1220 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

@Soladylike:  I personally wouldn’t use the “I’m confused” b/c that puts you as the victim in the situation and makes him feel like he’s hurting you.  Which, in all honesty he is BUT you never talked about this before marriage.  I don’t think she’s “confused” (since it’s not like he said one thing and reneged) but more like a need to talk to write a fresh page on this topic.

 

I would also caution about giving timelines.  They are like ultimatums and they can backfire very easily and blow up in your face.

Post # 15
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@LoveHappy: Sorry to be blunt, but why did you marry someone without first agreeing on a children timeline? That’s a top three question to discuss before marriage, in my opinion (#1 being “can we communicate effectively?” and #2 being “how are we going to handle money?”).

Post # 16
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@Miss Sapphire:I think she is confused on why he is blowing up and not wanting to have a conversation with her. That’s odd. I think there may even be confusion about if he even wants to have children. They have been together for ten years and he refuses to have a conversation with his wife about kids? That’s unacceptable behavior. Lastly, I think she is seeking clarification on why he has changed HIS mind on TTC. All of these issues can be confusing and deserve an open conversation. What’s wrong with her saying she is hurt by him not communicating with her when she has stated she is heart broken? Someone changing their mind about kids is very serious, that’s a deal breaker in most relationships. She has a right to tell him respectfully that she is hurt by his actions. Why not? It’s the truth. It’s fair. She deserves to know the truth but she can’t force him to have the convesation. That’s why I suggested she ask him when would he like to talk about it. She has every right to be honest with him and vice versa.

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