(Closed) The BIG +1 question: When does it get out of hand?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: How were/are you managing your guest list?
    We have it on lock-down. We were strict on our guests and who can bring a +1. : (34 votes)
    47 %
    There were a few additional +1 we didn't account for. : (5 votes)
    7 %
    It really got out of hand. : (3 votes)
    4 %
    We didn't care. We gave all single people a +1 : (30 votes)
    42 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1986 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Etiquette says you have to +1 those with serious relationships, marriages, living together, engaged, dating for a looong time.

    So those are the guidelines I’m using. If people ask for a plus one, we’ll say that we’d love to see them there (we’re having a DW) but that we are very limited in space for the ceremony and reception so cannot accommodate extras. Which is true.

    While you may not want these “extra” people to be there, if you don’t include them in the invite, 90% of the time the one you want to be there won’t come either.

    Post # 4
    Member
    6394 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2011

    It sounds like you’re already being generous with your +1s. I would just start saying no and telling people you want a small wedding.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1253 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I am very strict with my guest list! My dad is paying for all food and beverages, yet my Future Mother-In-Law wants to invite all of these friends of hers.  I said no way, my father isn’t paying for all of this so you can invite women from your office! As for plus ones, both of us have many cousins who are in their early twenties. If I haven’t met their SO then they are NOT coming to my wedding. And if that makes them not want to come, then it’s their loss and they obviously were coming for all the wrong reasons anyways. I want a very small and intimate wedding, and if I let everyone invite a date I would not be having the wedding that I want.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1057 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    We gave everyone that was single a plus one, we just didn’t want any drama to come of “why did he get to bring someone and I didn’t?!” It’s worked out pretty well.

    Post # 7
    Member
    689 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    Our wedding isn’t unitl August and the +1 issue is already causing problems. We are/will be very strict on ours. We just don’t have the space for everyone to bring someone and that would be extremely expensive. We are already at around @225-250 withouth +1’s. We have had 1 person say they wouldn’t come if couldn’t bring a date. I just said Oh Well then Don’t. If you love us and are there to support us, then you would come whether you could bring a date or not. We are letting married people a few of our friends with long term SO’s especially if we know the SO well. There are a few couples we hang out with a lot that aren’t married. Also anyone in the wedding party can bring a date.

    Post # 9
    Member
    32 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    @KaitlinHudson: I’ve had friends who have done this, and a lot of people who were invited with a plus one didn’t bring one if they weren’t dating someone, because they didn’t want to have to ‘babysit’ someone who didn’t know a lot of the other guests. You’re taking a risk this way, but perhaps not as big as you think, depending on your crowd.

    Another thing that’s worked for other people I know is to be consistent within social groups…for example, inviting all his cousins with plus ones because a lot of them are in “borderline” serious relationships, but inviting your day-to-day friends who you know aren’t dating anyone and who are coming as a group without plus ones. 

    It’s not like people who don’t know each other are going to be able to tell the difference between ‘random date’ and ‘serious relationship’, or are going to spend the wedding going up to people they’ve never met who got dates and quizzing them on how serious their relationship is.  Sure, there’s a chance that they might find out that there were different rules, but it’s small and if you’ve explained your reasoning most people won’t care. 

    Probably not the best idea for crazy/high drama families or friends, but I can’t imagine there are that many brides for whom this constitutes 100% of their plus-one borderline guest list.  This is the route we’ve gone…but we’re also okay with not knowing absolutely everyone at our wedding if it means the people we do know and love will come and be happy.

    Post # 10
    Member
    426 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    I think you’ve got it covered. If someone’s asking to bring a plus one who isn’t in a serious relationship, and not in the wedding party, I’d say nope.

    Post # 11
    Member
    3575 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    We were very strict with our +1 policy.  In fact, we only offered this to one person because they have been dating for 4 years.  Everyone else was either married, engaged or single.  

    Post # 12
    Member
    987 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    You don’t have to invite anyone extra that you don’t want to!  Particularly random dates and short term bfs/gfs.

    I think many people need to work on their social confidence.  When single people complain about having to attend a wedding alone I find it a bit much. 
    It’s a great opportunity to meet someone else who is single or just meet people in general!  If you take a date but are single, not likely you’ll pick up. 

    People seem to have lost their ability to stand on their own feet. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    4770 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @neontl:

    This is the same rule we will try to apply.  it seems fair.

    Post # 14
    Member
    350 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 1991

    @jo.lee:Etiquette says you have to +1 those with serious relationships, marriages, living together, engaged, dating for a looong time.

    Actually etiquette says that you extend a +1 to all single adult guests.  It’s only recently (due to the cost of weddings) that it’s been even remotely acceptable to alter that to only include those in long-term relationships.

    Post # 15
    Member
    110 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    @CoffeeHound:Where did you read that? I am just curious because I was going by the same rule as @Belle2be but I don’t want to be rude to my single adult guests if that is true

    Post # 16
    Member
    785 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    We’re only inviting people that we know.  If someone has a boyfriend or girlfriend but they aren’t engaged/married, we are not having them there if we don’t know them.  I’m pretty sure that most everybody will know at least one other person there.  I agree with you though–I do not want people that I’ve never met before witnessing such an intimate moment in my life.

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