(Closed) The Big D. It must cross your mind!

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you believe in divorce?

    No....absoutly not an option

    Only when abuse or cheating is present

    In cases where you both are simply not happy anymore

    Yes there are many circumstances where I would consider divorce

    Other......explain

  • Post # 91
    Member
    858 posts
    Busy bee

    I really dont mean to be snarky but what is the point of this thread? just to stir up trouble?

    I dont think most people go into marriage thinking “i’m going to get divorced” but things happen, its life. I would never judge anyone for how their marriage turns out as it just none of my business. Also how other marriages turns out has no effect on mine or yours in any way. I think you should always try your best to make it work out if you can but that doesnt mean it will and it doesnt make you a bad person for getting divorced

    Post # 92
    Member
    2582 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    View original reply
    @miss sparkly cat:

    That doesn’t sound snarky at all…  in fact its the OP that sounds snarky and judgemental.

    This thread started off as you (OP) not believing in divorce – thats great, good for you – but turned in to you judging people who are divorced.

    There’s a saying my Dad taught me that has resonated throughout my life:

    “People in glass houses should not throw stones”

    As human beings in relationships, we are ALL in glass houses – we are ALL capable of making mistakes, being on the receiving end of mistakes, and there is no way to predict what you can forgive and what can be forgiven.   It is sooooo easy to look at other people’s relationships with scorn, because its much easier to judge other people than to look at yourself.

    As for me, I don’t believe very many people enter marriage “believing” in divorce. But we only live once, and hearts and minds can change. If Mr and I were no longer in love – for whatever reason – and counseling did not help – divorce is a far better option in my mind than a life of misery and a life without love.

    Post # 93
    Member
    1697 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I am catholic too. only in the event of sexual infidelity would I divorce.

    Post # 94
    Member
    400 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    My parents were both divorced when they met. Without their divorces I would not exist and I think a part of me has always been a realist because of their backgrounds. It also makes me unoffended by the age comment, despite being married at 24, both of my parents got divorced as a result of marriages at age 18. (No, not everyone that gets married at 18 gets a divorce. I know.)  I’d like to think that no one enters a marriage assuming divorce is in store, but it’s a reality and it happens and if I’m ever presented in a sitation where I’m forced to face that reality, (due to abuse, cheating, ect.) I will.

    Post # 95
    Member
    59 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2014 - my mother\'s amazing garden

    Both sets of my grandparents were married for 50 years. My maternal grandfather remarried after my nana died, and has been married to his current wife for 8 years. He refers to her as my best friend and lover… I want that!!!

     

    My parents are divorced however, and the acrimonious way it went down has further solidified my desire to WORK IT OUT!!! My bf and i both believe that when we get married, this is it!!! So i’m sorry…. if I’m gonna stand before God and take vows, I am gonna honour them.

     

    Cheating is not a deal-breaker for me….. And abuse is just not in our dynamic… hell, im more likely to hit him then the other way around…. 

     

    As for the “we can just divorce” comments… my cousin is getting married in july to a guy she was dating for only a month before they got engaged. When i asked her if she is sure she is ready after such a short time, she was like” well if it doesn’t work out, we’ll just get divorced…” REALLY?!?! Why get married then?

    Post # 96
    Member
    248 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

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    @eeniebeans:

    I have said this a thousand times because it is TRUE: The man you divorce is not the man you married.

    i completely agree with this! my mom got married at 18 to who she thought was the man of her dreams, only to find out that was far from true when he began physically abusing her to the point she was hospitalized more than once. Thank God she finally found the courage to leave him and marry my dad and have my brother and i.

    on the flip side, my parents, by no means have had a perfect marriage and have had to fight a lot to keep their marriage strong. there were many times when i was growing up they considered divorce but they worked through it all.

    one week after my wedding next year, they will have been married 25 years! in this case, it goes to show that working hard at a marriage pays off. i’ve never known my parents to be happier or more in love. 

    edit: i’m so sorry to hear what your ex husband did to you. reading it, i got chills. 

    Post # 97
    Member
    3218 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    I’m Catholic, so divorce is “not an option” as you all are phrasing it here.  That said, if I’m getting beaten, abused, or my hypothetical children aren’t safe– I’m taking the steps needed to protect myself and my dependents.  I think I would definitely exhaust all options to save a marriage, but safety comes first.  

    I also don’t think it’s my place to judge or speak on anyone else’s personal decisions.  My parents were both married and divorced before they met one another and had me– thank goodness they ended up together! I don’t think anyone else is less mature or less of a good person if they consider divorce more freely than I do– everyone has their own limits and deserves to be happy. 

    Post # 98
    Member
    375 posts
    Helper bee

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    @KatyElle:  Thank you 🙂 I’m doing a pretty good job of not letting it get to me, really, it’s just that this was an issue I faced for months before I even admitted to Fiance that I was ready to discuss the possibility of marriage–and we’d been together 3 years at that point.

    I’m grateful at how supportive our friends and family have been since we annouced our engagement and I think everyone deserves to be excited about their wedding, not to have their sincerity judged based on the number of records on file at the county clerk’s office.

    Post # 99
    Member
    5654 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2011

    Being a solid Christian I chose “when abuse or cheating is present” but still believe more inbetween that AND “not an option”

    Infidelity does give OPTION for divorce, but not necessarily mean it’s necessary. If the party cheated on doesn’t wan to work it through then they have every right to file for divorce…. but I’ve also seen where both parties are will to work through it and have AMAZING marriages afterward.

    As for abuse…. I don’t believe it makes divorce “okay” or warranted BUT I do believe in separating so as to protect yourself, while still keeping your vows of fidelity. The abuser will either seek help to change so that the marriage can be reconciled or they will get tired of waiting and want the divorce, in which the one being abused won’t be found to be at “fault” for it.

    Otherwise I believe a marriage is a committed covenant that both parties are bound too.

     

    Post # 100
    Member
    1463 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    “There but for the grace of God, go I”

    I don’t think anybody sets out to end up divorced but sometimes sh*t happens.

    You can work on it all you like, but if at the end of the day one partner is no longer a willing participant in the marriage, you can’t MAKE them love you back.

    Having said that, I think attitude has a lot to do with the success of marriage, you have to want and appreciate what you already have, live in the moment and stop concentrating on what you don’t have.

    Post # 101
    Member
    5540 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: December 2011

    Well, I picked “Not an option” but I have a condition on that because the next option didn’t fit either. Personally, cheating does not equal divorce. I do think that can be worked through. However I do think that abuse is a total deal breaker and would run fast and far. And the sad truth is that many abusers “change” and things go right back to where they were.

    Of course if Fiance abused me or our (theoretical) children I wouldn’t have to worry about divorce because he would be in a 6 foot hole somewhere because the men in my family would NOT take kindly to that. And I am only kind of kidding on that… not that I condone murder! 

    Obviously no one wants to go into a marriage thinking they will divorce, but the sad fact is a huge number of marriages fail. But I do think the mindset that nothing short of abuse is grounds for leaving changes ones mindset a little bit about it.

    Post # 102
    Member
    7367 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

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    @KatyElle: You keep bringing up Kim Kardashian like that is supposed to be a sign of the times today (Liz Taylor anyone, how many times was she married? Marilyn Monroe?)

    Lets take it way back with Henry VIII? I’ll take an annulment any day over a beheading… Surprised

    Post # 103
    Member
    9816 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

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    @bklynbridetobe: Bingo! He went through wives like Kleenex.

    Post # 104
    Member
    5789 posts
    Bee Keeper

    There are many reasons people stay married for a long time, and I’m old enough to remember how women who got a divorce were treated. It was scandelous to be a divorcee, and especially one with children. It was a big black mark on one’s reputation, and almost always blamed on the women. For some reason, women were taught or led to believe that they should stay married ‘no matter what’.

    The only person in my immediate family that got a divorce is my Uncle, but even from a young age, it was impossible not to wish other family members had followed suit. I had an Aunt who could go a year without speaking to her husband if he said or did something she didn’t like, and we all knew it since she bragged about it. My Uncle and her kids got a warped sense of marriage from living with it, and still talk about it even tho their parents are long gone now. What a nice legacy to leave when you can’t even be in the same room with the person with whom you’ve had 4 kids. They should have gotten a divorce, but wait….they were Catholic and didn’t believe in it.

    I found out many years ago how my Grandfather treated my Grandmother (during and after they had 8 kids), and it wasn’t pretty. She stayed with him for over 60 years, and his death was the only thing that saved her. Who would want her with 8 kids and no job experience or skills? She was trapped because she had nothing of her own and accepted her lot in life.

    My own parents would get into some knock down drag outs/screaming matches and I used to wish they’d get a divorce, and it was the same for my BF’s parents. Both of our Moms said the same thing-they would have left years earlier but never thought anyone would want them with all their kids. They felt trapped too.

    I’m glad that the option to divorce is available and not looked upon as it once was. Staying in a loveless marriage isn’t good for anyone involved, and it would be naive to believe otherwise.

    Post # 105
    Member
    1291 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

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    @MrsWrangler: As a member that rarely posts and mostly lurks I do want to thank you for standing up for the younger than 25 year olds. 🙂

    I understand that many factors go into divorce/unhappiness and it is true, people who get married younger are more LIKELY to have a divorce. You never REALLY know someone’s situation regardless of how old they are. I married my husband young. I have friends who married young…all of us are still happily married. 

    It rubs me the wrong way when people assume that I am not ready for marriage purely based on my age. I also feel like anytime us “young folks” stand up for ourselves we are make to feel naive, stupid, immature when that isn’t the case (all of the time). 

    At the end of the day, it’s our marriage, and we shouldn’t let ourselves feel judged by faceless posters on the internet. 

    The topic ‘The Big D. It must cross your mind!’ is closed to new replies.

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