(Closed) The Big D. It must cross your mind!

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you believe in divorce?

    No....absoutly not an option

    Only when abuse or cheating is present

    In cases where you both are simply not happy anymore

    Yes there are many circumstances where I would consider divorce

    Other......explain

  • Post # 106
    Member
    4038 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

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    @bklynbridetobe: 

    @CaitMarie: ITA word for word! Do I worry about divorce in my relationship, no I don’t obsess about it. If circumstances change, to what I/we consider out of the norm. I will do my damnedest to work it out, within reason, Any long term negative impact on my (or my future childrens) mental, emotional or physical health will have to be taken into consideration. I always chuckle about these posts, I find them a tad naive. Sure I believe “divorce is not an option” in the same way you can buy the Brooklyn Bridge for a $1.

    @eeniebeans: The man you divorce is not the man you married. 

    I agree with all of this. I didn’t enter into my marriage ever intending to get a divorce. DH and I made a promise to each other a long time ago that we’d never quit on each other…meaning that we’d never just get bored and leave. That our relationship, our marriage, is the most important thing in our lives, and we will continue on to work on it, and on ourselves, to make ourselves the best partners we can be. I know I won’t find anyone better suited for me than him, and I will always fight for us. 

    BUT we are both aware that life happens. If he’s miserable with me year after year, and we’ve gone to counseling and tried everything we can to save our marriage, and he wants out, I can’t stop him. I won’t stop him. I love him too much to want him to have a miserable life, and if a point comes were I make him miserable, then I would give him a divorce, and vice versa. 

    If he ever lays a hand on me in anger I’m gone. No questions asked. That is my line in the sand. If he cheats on me…well, I don’t know. I’d like to think I would leave, but realistically, if it was a one-time deal, I probably wouldn’t. I would be furious, and it would take a lot of work and counseling, but I would probably still try to save my marriage. I know there are a lot of women here that would leave outright, but I’m probably not one of them. 

    My stepbrother and SIL are in the middle of a divorce. They’ve been married for 12 years now, and have two children together. One day, out of the blue, stepbrother told her he wasn’t happy, he no longer wanted “the white picket fence life” they had, and he wanted a divorce. She did everything she could, throughout their marriage, to keep him happy. She accepted that she wasn’t the number one priority  in his life (which were, in order, his job, his daughters, and his car, then her). She begged him to go to counseling, and they did, once, separately and together. He told her and the counselor that he didn’t even want to try. He just wanted out. She was blindsided, but she gave it to him, because along the way she finally realized that their whole marriage had been very unfair to her. In their case, I think divorce was the best option, for both of them, and for their girls. The girls saw their mother being treated like a doormat, day in and day out. 

    Post # 107
    Member
    389 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

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    @KatyElle: haha 😀

    I am very scared of divorces, but on the other hand I think they can be necessary. When I think about wedding as a general concept, divorce is an option. I don’t even want to think about my Mom living with my Father. I’m glad she came through on the other side and is the strongest person I know. 

    My Father and my Mom divorced when I was 11. She thought she found a kind and respectful man, it took them 3 miscarriages to have a child, they worked though it. He told her to quit her job, because he will provide for the family. 14 years into their marriage, he cheats on her. She was willing to not only work though it, she told him to be with the other woman at night, and come home and be a family thoughout the day. Can you imagine the humiliation, how degrading it must be to say something like that? He kicked us out of the house, and my mom couldn’t find a job in her career field. She nearly killed herself. 

    My Father blames everything on the people around him, never takes responsibility, never thinks about his actions. He’s in his 60s now, married for the 3rd time. His new wife thinks about divorce. My mom and him are still in court, because he refuses to acknowledge things he’s done wrong. He blames me for his miserable life, he has another daughter who stopped the contact with him years ago. I haven’t talked to him for months. 

    When I think about marrying my FH, divorce doesn’t really cross my mind. We both have ours sets of values, and talked about how to handle possible problems. He’s seen my crazy family, I’ve seen his. We agreed to do everything we can to not repeat the behaviour we grew up with.  I’m really excited for our live together 🙂

    Post # 108
    Member
    923 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    SO and I have both been divorced, so we know how hard it is.  I left my ex because he refused to grow up, stop smoking pot ten times a day, and take responsibility for his actions.  The straw that broke the camel’s back was that he got a vasectomy behind my back when he knew I wanted children.  SO’s ex left him.  Literally, left him on the side of the road.  They were moving from one state to another.  When they got to the state line of the destination state she told him that she was dropping him off at the next exit and she was going three states further.  Very pre-meditated since she already had a place to live lined up.  So, I feel like we both had reasons to divorce. 

    He’s always been more open to the idea of getting remarried than I was.  We’ve both made it clear from the beginning what we are looking for in a partner.  Can I say that we won’t end up divorced?  No, but it’s a chance I’m willing to take. 

    Post # 109
    Member
    3798 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

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    @Mrs Sarah McK: What is happening to your SIL/Stepbrother is my biggest fear…to be totally blindsided after years of trying to do everything right.

    I don’t necessarily ‘believe’ in divorice, but I do sometimes think (aside from the biggies: cheating and abuse) that there are circumstances that couples really can’t get past and it leads to them splitting up. It just depends on the couple/circumstance. However, I do think a lot of marriages can be saved, but for some people it’s easier to walk away and start over than work on what they have. I’d like to think that Fiance and I could work through everything, but there are no promises. I don’t know what might happen in the future.

    Post # 110
    Member
    4334 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    Could we clarify something?

    The poll question was, “Do you believe in divorce?”

    I answered it thinking in terms of “Do I believe in divorce…for myself?”

    And it seems to me, that some people are getting very upset and feeling that those who voted for “no, divorce is not an option,” seem to be passing judgement on them. 

    So…I just want to clarify, that for me at least, and I suspect most people who voted for the first option, we’re not necessarily saying, “YOU’RE a bad person if you’ve been divorced,” rather, we’re saying, “I know certain things about my relationship/marriage/life and I am just saying that divorce is never an option… FOR ME.”

    (I’m not saying I wouldn’t separate to protect my own safety, but even if my husband went all crazy and decided to leave me, I would still consider myself married to him, because I really do believe that marriage is for life.)

    Post # 111
    Member
    2559 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

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    @missfroggy: Thanks! Yes – I walk a fine line between wanting to stand up for us and saying “well, shouldn’t have to defend my marriage to the internet, so whatever”, lol. But I hope that if more of us exhibit sound, communicative, informed relationships and marriages, maybe this stereotype of under-25s as too immature (and my personal favorite, undeveloped) to make a decision to marry will be reversed. In my experience, all the people I know who are divorced do it when they’re in their 40s+, not when they’re 20, which just goes to show how different everyone’s perception is and how we can’t propose blanket rejection of the right to marry (for any consenting adult at all, as I also support gay marriage) because we aren’t in everyone else’s shoes. I am so, so thankful that the people in my real life aren’t this biased against young marriage and are amazingly supportive of us and our future, so I’m shocked when I see the blatant ageism on this thread.

    Post # 112
    Member
    10283 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I can’t help but find it kind of funny to see so many people saying that divorce is “not an option” but then continue on with “unless he’s cheating, abusive, etc”. If there’s an “unless”, then there kind of is an option, ya know? 

    Post # 113
    Member
    1543 posts
    Bumble bee

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    @red_rose: Honest question for ya. No snark, just pure curiousity. So are you then saying that you would not file for divorce in that event? Would you simply be alone for the rest of your life, rebuffing any advances someone would make towards you, because you are still technically married? You wouldn’t pursue happiness with someone else? I wanna make sure I understand you right before I jump to any conclusions………

    Post # 114
    Member
    10283 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011

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    @Wonderwoman217: I was wondering the same thing. 

    Post # 115
    Member
    4334 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

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    @Wonderwoman217: Yeah, I know it sounds crazy… but yeah, I guess I would live the rest of my life “alone,” as you would think of it. (But there’s worse things in life than that… I would still have my friends, and seek to be the best person that I could be in that situation, and I could obtain happiness and fulfilment from other avenues.) Like I explained on an earlier page (if anyone has actually read all the comments!) it would involve me leaving my religion for me to get divorced or remarried. But, keep in mind, DH has the *exact same* feelings about this as me. It would be no small matter for him to just “up and leave.” But I realize life throws crazy curve balls…but yes, I’ve thought about it, and it would not be an ideal situation, but I would make the most of it.

    (ok, feel free to not pick apart my answer, which I realize most people are going to think is CRAZY!, as I’m running out the door to go to work and not only didn’t have time to choose my words as carefully as I would have wanted, but also won’t be able to defend/explain myself for a few more hours, haha!) 😀

    Post # 117
    Member
    1359 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I’m another one who actually does “believe in divorce.” Perhaps it’s because my parents are divorced and honestly, they should have split way before they did. They made each other miserable. I don’t believe that commited unhappiness is better than just going your separate ways and trying to find love again. I’m also not religious, so there’s no reason to stay together other than emotional and practical.

     

    Obviously, I’m hoping my wife and I last forever, and we’ll work hard to accomplish that. I know there will be an ebb and flow to our relationship. I think I have a pretty realistic view of what marriage is like and that’s what I’m signing up for, not 50+ years of bliss, lust and romance. But if ten, twenty, thirty years down the line we realize we aren’t good together anymore, then I can accept that and hope we separate maturely and kindly.

     

    To me, marriage isn’t about the “eternal joining of souls” or anything like that. I’m marrying my partner because I want to be a team, to tackle life together, to be each other’s backup and home and support, to work together to provide a stable and loving environment for our future children, and because she’s my best friend and I’d much rather do nothing with her than do anything with someone else. We make each other’s lives better. If that ceased to be true, I wouldn’t stay married.

    Post # 118
    Member
    2583 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

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    @Sugaree: I’m so sorry you’ve both been through that, both those situations sound horrible! And I think the vasectomy behind your back is another good example of a completely unforseen circumstance that isn’t cheating or abuse but would still be a common cause for divorce. I know it would be the end of the marriage for me also.

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    @red_rose: You’re entitled to your opinion of course, but I guess I can’t imagine living alone for the rest of my life because my husband cheated on me. But I have a question- would you go through legally with the divorce but consider yourself married in your religion then?

    And I know a lot of people are saying “Well, he just wouldn’t cheat or abuse me.” That’s great, but if we’re throwing statistics into the mix anyway, about 60% of married men cheat at some point. Not sure on the exact percent but it’s close to that. No, not everyone gets a divorce and yes, it’s possible to work it out and be happy again. But I don’t think anyone goes into a marriage saying “I plan to cheat on him/her in 20 years,” as someone else said, the person you marry isn’t the person you divorce. People do change.

    Post # 119
    Member
    9816 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

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    @red_rose: Actually I think most of those comments are aimed towards the OP who certainly does come off as judgmental when making comments like:

    “The people who get married 3,4,5 times I am not convinced that they understand or even care about the vows that their taking.  They have proven that by going against those vows for the 3rd, 4th time.  At that point their just getting married to be married.  IMO it’s not what marriage is supposed to be and some people do it just because they can.  Marriage is a lifetime commitment – if your not willing or able to fullfill that commitment then don’t get married.”

    Come on now, those types of statements are only made to stir up strong opinions in people, especially knowing full well that some people who have posted in this thread are encore brides.

    Post # 120
    Member
    10283 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011

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    @moonadea: Perfectly said!

    The topic ‘The Big D. It must cross your mind!’ is closed to new replies.

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