(Closed) The Big D Word…DIVORCE! Let's talk bees!

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Have you/are you...
    Thought about divorce? : (31 votes)
    41 %
    Filed for divorce? : (0 votes)
    Going through a divorce? : (4 votes)
    5 %
    Been divorced? : (41 votes)
    54 %
  • Post # 17
    Member
    29 posts
    Newbee

    Going through a divorce.  We were married a little over 2 months.  There were major leaving and cleaving issues.  We got into a nasty fight about his mother one night.  The next day he packed up all of my clothes and brought them to my parents house while I was at work and told me not to bother coming home because I had no respect for his family.  I was devastated but fought for him and we tried to work things out. He apologized (with crocodile tears) and I thought we were on the path to recovery.

    A couple of weeks later we got into another argument about his family.  We talked and I thought made up (again).  I went to visit my parents for a weekend soon after and I was given the ultimatum to either be a part of his family (meaning him, his parents and married sister) and obey them or not to bother coming back.  He didn’t believe that as husband and wife we were our own famiy unit, but rather I was a new (and subordinate) addition to his family.  XFIL actually once told me that XMIL was the queen and I was the princess and when she died I would be queen.  Didn’t realize I married into royalty.

    I don’t think my Ex ever in a million years thought I wouldn’t come back because I was vehemently against divorce, but I knew my life was going to be complete misery with this man and his family if things stayed the same.  The next day I went back to get all of my stuff and told him I was finished and left. 

    I had hoped he would fight for me, apologize and admit that he was wrong and take action to fix things but he didn’t so that just validated my decision for me.  But I also knew that even if he did apologize and try to make changes, I would have refused to have any relationship with his family and he would just grow to resent me and we would gotten divorced anyway.

    I’m so happy I’m not with him and knowing I never have sit in a room with his mother again, makes me want to sing from rooftops.  It’s nice to live life without people constantly putting you down and nitpicking at you and trying to make you believe there’s something wrong with you.

    I’m still young and really excited for what life has to offer.  I thought getting a divorce would be hard, but knew there was nothing for me left to fight for and it was the only option. Through all of this, I’ve gotten to know myself so much better and I’m stronger than I’ve ever been.  And hearing that he’s a complete miserable wreck doesn’t hurt either 😉

    Post # 18
    Member
    6117 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @Nurse4life:  I have been divorced.  I was married for 5 years.  Even his own parents called me St. Sienna just for marrying the guy.  He was difficult all around, but I guess I thought it was cute or I didn’t see it – not really sure.  He was a horrible partner and not capable of simple roommate living, couldn’t comprimise on anything, plus he got mean as the years went by.  I think I was pretty naive on picking good men at the time.  I thought, well he doesn’t go off and drink all weekend leaving me like my dad did, so I guess I have a winner!  I married him before I had my awakening period, before I understood all of that and how it affected my choice in men.

    How did I know it was enough?  Well, I did try marriage therapy for 9 months – but I went alone, he went one time and said the therapist was full of sh*t.  I did read TONS of marriage/relationship/abuse books to educate myself.  Then I thought if I could identify it better, I could deal with it better (aka had some tools).  Not the case. I tried talking to him, writing letters, using all positive language.  He was very mean and made it his goal to make me think I was crazy.

     

     

     

    I did have a breaking point.  One time I was driving back from the store, and I screamed at the top of my lungs bloody murder – I HATE HIM!  So loud that I literally hurt my neck badly.  I think I pulled a muscle.  To me, if my emotional, mental and now physical health were declining because of this relationship – it’s time to get out.  I’d get a gut wrenching stomach ache when I heard his truck pull in.  I kept a journal and tracked the “progress” – it was getting worse with no real signs of improvement. 

     

     

     

    We separated, he moved out, I asked for no contact for one month, and it was absolutely marvelous.  It felt right to be rid of him.

     

     

     

    I don’t get when people say they don’t believe in divorce.  What if your mental, emotional and physical well being are in a downward spiral because of the declining situation?  You’d stay even though your soul was disintegrating?

    Post # 19
    Member
    3586 posts
    Sugar bee

    @sienna76:  I don’t get when people say they don’t believe in divorce.

    Me either. Some situations call for it. no need to stay and lose your mind.

    Post # 20
    Member
    2743 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - Disney

    I’m divorced. I married my daughter’s father because I was pregnant and I believed it was what was expected of me and the right thing to do. Problem was we had entirely different wants from life, he had no ambition, and we brought out the worst in each other.

    This time I’m marrying an awesome man who is my best friend. Divorce is not an option for us. We’ve been living together 6 months now and we still dont fight :). We’ve had a few snippy moments but it always ends there we work through everything together.

    Post # 21
    Member
    180 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    I got a divorce after almost 3 years of marriage. I was young,  in love with the idea of being in love, and got married to a very bad man. He used me, abused me, and by the time I finally got enough guts to leave him I was a very broken woman. It took me a long time to get over what happened to me. It didn’t happen all at once, in fact he was very sweet at the beginning of our relationship, but within a year of being together, he was always telling me what a worthless person I was and how I was lucky he put up with me and my crap, how I would never find anyone else who could stand me, etc. After hearing it all the time, you start to believe it. When we married, he insisted that we have joint banking accounts and then would write bad checks on the accts but not tell me or allow me access to the banking info. At the worst of it, I was almost arrested for fraud (I drove him to the check cashing place, but didn’t know he was trying to cash checks on a closed acct) and after a long interrogation by the police, they told me that I needed to run as fast as I could from him. He was arrested for fraud, but I “didn’t believe in divorce” so I stuck by him. I agree that divorce is not the solution and that you should try everything to make it work, but when I found out that he was offering me for prostitution to his “friends” to pay back debts – enough was enough. My parents helped me with financial costs for the divorce, gave me a place to live, and so much love and support. I found out about a year after I left that he was using my ID info to take out credit cards in my name, and I had to take legal action to make him leave me alone. He still tries to find me (when I got engaged, he tried to talk to me on Facebook – I didn’t even know he was checking up on me), but I just ignored him and eventually he stopped messaging me. 

    When I finally got myself back together, I went back to college and, got my BFA, and worked on my own life for a long time. After I graduated, I started to date again. A couple of years after I started dating again, I met my Fiance. He is so amazing. He has supported my life, my career, and is my “perfect prince”. My family is always very wary about guys I have dated after my ex, but after 3 years he has “proven” himself to everyone in my life, even the hard ones! He has shown me that I deserve to be loved and cherished and I know he loves me and will always take care of me. I was very ill last year and he supported us both for almost the entire year and stayed with me in the hospital and at home when I was recovering. Our relationship has seen so much already and we have always shown how much we love each other and how together we can get through anything.

    When people ask me about my previous marriage, I say it showed me exactly what I DON’T want in a man. I’m not happy that I had to go through that time in my life, but it has shown me that I am so much stronger than I ever thought I could be.

    Post # 23
    Member
    5891 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    So sorry you are going through this. I would just smile at them and say “There were irreconcible differences.” And just smile and stare. Most good mannered people will just stop at that. If they are super rude, I would either look at them and say, “Are you seriously going to grill me about such a painful thing as divorce?” or I would give them a super outrageous thing like, “After the space aliens abducted me, I knew I could never be happy with humans” or “I was totally cool with him having sex with our dog, but when he wanted to go to the local shelter to bring in a “third”, I just had to put my foot down”

    Post # 24
    Member
    3092 posts
    Sugar bee

    @MsMamaBear:  I agree. I mean, who goes into a marriage thinking they will end up divorced?

    Even the BIBLE gives an out (if your partner cheats on you).  So, very few people ‘believe’ in divorce in that very few people see it as just another option.  But, it happens to the BEST of us sometimes.  You just NEVER know.  I was the ‘dont believe in divorce’ type until the ish hit the fan and he was unfaithful.  It takes a ishload of courage to leave a situation that is not good for you.  People DO change no matter how they start out.  Check the statistics.  Of course, everyone hopes it will not happen and I hope and pray noone here will have to experience this if they haven’t.

    Post # 26
    Member
    102 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @Nurse4life:  I’m sorry! 🙁 Divorces can get very ugly!! I divorced my ex over 3 years ago, it was the hardest thing that I’ve ever been through, but it gets easier as time goes along. I had to realize that this was not what God had planned for me and I needed to show my daughter what a healthy relationship was. We fought so much, and he was the laziest man I have ever met in my life. We get along better not together and keep everything cordial for our daughter. I’m engaged to the best man ever now, and I have no regrets. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    14 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: June 2012

     I think everyone is entitled to their own option of course. We all just have to do whats best for ourselves. No matter what there is somone who wont agree with your decision, but the more we love our own decisions the less we care what others think. 

     

    Post # 28
    Member
    845 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    I’ve spoken about this on the bee before. I am divorced, been divorced for over seven years and I am happy now.

    Post # 29
    Member
    723 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    @Nurse4life: How are you doing? I’ve been married for about a year and a half, and am seriously considering divorce. It’s one of those situations where I’ve been in the relationship since I was 20 and got married because it seemed like the right thing to do, not because it felt in any way right. My husband’s a great guy and it’s an awful situation, but you’re absolutely right that you start to view divorce differently when you’re miserable and can see it as a source of hope. It’s much more nuanced than I ever believed it to be. I don’t think I will ever be able to judge another human being for getting a divorce, because there is honestly NO way of knowing what happens inside a relationship unless you are in it yourself.

    I know this is an incredibly superficial question, but I’ve always wondered: to those of you who’ve been divorced in the digital age, how did you handle the relationship status change on Facebook?

    Also, I’m curious: How did you approach telling your friends/family? Who did you choose to tell, and who did you choose to let “find out” through other sources?

    Post # 30
    Member
    2375 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @lookingforadvice77:  When I got divorced, I called my parents first.  My best friends saw this coming a mile away, as did my parents, and the rest of my family.  Changed my FB status without any additional info.  One of my other friends who recently divorced changed his status, followed by a statment of ‘While I appreciate your concern, Ex-Mrs. and I would be grateful for some privacy during this time.’ 

    No one should be trapped in a miserable marriage.  I’ve said it before and it’s still true – I would be crushed if I ever thought for a second that my fiance was only with me because he said some vows in front of an officiant.   We have a finite amount of time, why spend it with someone you don’t love?

    Post # 31
    Member
    526 posts
    Busy bee

    I have thought about it.  About two years ago, I had an emotional affair with a coworker.  We were having a rough spot in both of our marriages, and although I tried to be “just friends,” I fell in love with my coworker.  But Darling Husband needed me, so I stayed.  We worked things out, and things have been good for about a year and a half.

    The not having sex with other people is SUPER rough on me, though.  I slept around a lot until I met Darling Husband, and I really miss having sex with other people.  I could see us getting divorced over this, if I ever had a full on affair. 

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