(Closed) The Big E: ETIQUETTE

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
Member
1870 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I wish such etiquette gurus would explain the logic behind each suggestion (I hesitate before calling them rules) because I think that would help make things clearer. For example: 

“Never have a cash bar” BECAUSE guests should not feel obligated to pay for anything at an event they have been invited to. 

“Groom asks bride’s father for permission to marry his daughter” BECAUSE obviously the father owns everyone in the family and the mother had no influence whatsoever on the daughter. 

 

…yes, I made these up. But somehow I think that some reasoning behind the ‘rule’ would make it more obvious which rules I might want to follow and which ones I’d be okay breaking. 

Post # 18
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Etiquette smetiquette….PFFT!!!!!!!

I have worn a black dress to a wedding (OH THE HORROR!!)

MY Future Mother-In-Law will not be introducing families because no on really cares & most already know each other anyways

My invites will probably be something that I pick up from Iparty saying: Be there with details

My mom will probably not even have a MOB dress, she will probably wear capri’s, a nice shirt and some flip flops

I have no dad so Boyfriend or Best Friend will not be able to ask for permission to be married therefore he can not pay for the wedding or walk me down the aisle

If I gave a gift to every person that I know that was getting married I would be broke and I would expect Target and/or Bed Bath & Beyond to start a buy 4 gifts get the 5th for free program(obv. I would give one if I was attending the wedding)

Guest will be able to RSVP on-line or by word of mouth 

And I am wearing a purple dress–its not even a wedding dress..its a bridesmaid dress

 

I am soooooo going to etiquette hell.

Post # 19
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

How very interesting!

  • Groom asks bride’s father for permission to marry his daughter Nope.
  •  

  • The bride’s family (specifically the father of the bride) foots the bill for the wedding Eh, they contributed, but they’re not footing the entire bill.
  •  

  • The brides mother is first to select her daughter’s dress. I picked her dress for her. (Well, we went shopping together, but she relied on my opinion to choose a dress.)
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  • A dress similar in style and color is then chosen by the groom’s mother. N/A
  •  

  • During the reception the groom’s mother is given the role of greeting the guests and introducing them to the bride and her family. N/A and wouldn’t do that anyway.
  •  

  • It is the bride’s father who must accompany his daughter down the aisle up to the alter rather than the groom, where he entrusts her to her future husband symbolically representing the fact that the primary role of the parents in the life of the bride has come to an end. Yes, doing this.
  •  

  • Bride should wear a white dress and veil – this is only proper for a first time bride, as a nod to her virginal modesty Ivory, no veil. As for virginal modesty…
  •  

  • Never wear white to a wedding. Or black, red, or whatever color the bridal party is wearing. I’ve worn a formal black dress, but never white or red or matching the bridal party.
  •  

  • Invite all out-of-town guests to the rehearsal dinner. Most of our Out of Town invitees aren’t coming, and most of those that are aren’t coming until the morning of the wedding. But, yeah, they wouldn’t all be invited to the dinner.
  •  

  • Never have a cash bar I don’t think we need to beat this dead horse any more…
  •  

  • The invitation’s wording should indicate who is paying for the wedding. Well, not exactly. My parents weren’t named, but Fiance and I are paying for the majority of it.
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  • Guests should never be expected to RSVP online. Most of my family is computer illiterate, so it’s not even an option.
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  • Guests who are invited to the ceremony must also be invited to the reception, and vice versa. Yes, although my mother didn’t do this at her wedding in 1976. It was a family-only reception, at her parents’ house. So :P.
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  • Always give a wedding gift when you know the couple, regardless of whether you are invited to or attending the wedding Give a gift when I’m not even INVITED? Not unless it’s someone I know VERY well, and in that case… why wouldn’t I be invited?!
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  • Never send thank-yous in the form of postcards, even if you are honeymooning after your wedding Well, I’m not doing this, but if they’re wedding specific postcards (like snuggielove said above, not a “Wish You Were Here” card from Maui or something), I see no problem with it. Hey, it’s better than NO thank you card at all, right??
  • Post # 20
    Member
    714 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Etiquette is to manners what law is to the constitution.  Yes, etiquette evolves as times change (just like laws do) but the guiding principles remain the same (like the constitution remains unchanged). 

    Post # 21
    Member
    7975 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Wow, I’m actually shocked that we’re doing all but one of these (MIL introducing guests to us – I’m sure she’ll introduce HER guests to us, haha), and of course the ones pertaining to guests (gifts, what you can wear).

    Nonsense, because I don’t think of myself as a particularly etiquette conscious person. Also, several people were upset by our invitations, because we didn’t do full names on the envelopes or use “Mr and Mrs Smith” kind of format.

    I expect those same people to be highly offended when we rock out to Lady Gaga after dinner 🙂

    Post # 22
    Member
    3219 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    What are not doing/ didn’t do 

    Proper Wedding Etiquette:

       

    • Groom asks bride’s father for permission to marry his daughter
    •  

    • The bride’s family (specifically the father of the bride) foots the bill for the wedding
    •  

    • The brides mother is first to select her daughter’s dress.
    •  

    • A dress similar in style and color is then chosen by the groom’s mother.
    •  

    • During the reception the groom’s mother is given the role of greeting the guests and introducing them to the bride and her family.
    •  

    • It is the bride’s father who must accompany his daughter down the aisle up to the alter rather than the groom, where he entrusts her to her future husband symbolically representing the fact that the primary role of the parents in the life of the bride has come to an end.
    •  

    • Bride should wear a white dress and veil – this is only proper for a first time bride, as a nod to her virginal modesty – Does Ivory count?
    •  

    • Never wear white to a wedding. Or black, red, or whatever color the bridal party is wearing.
    •  

    • Invite all out-of-town guests to the rehearsal dinner. We are not having one.
    •  

    • Never have a cash bar
    •  

    • The invitation’s wording should indicate who is paying for the wedding.  My parents didnt want to be on the invite
    •  

    • Guests should never be expected to RSVP online.
    •  

    • Guests who are invited to the ceremony must also be invited to the reception, and vice versa.  There will be 8 people at the ceremony and a lot more at the reception

    • Always give a wedding gift when you know the couple, regardless of whether you are invited to or attending the wedding
    •  

    • Never send thank-yous in the form of postcards, even if you are honeymooning after your wedding

    Post # 23
    Member
    499 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I think we often misuse the word “etiquette”. Most of the things in the original list are tradition and not etiquette.

    Etiquette is simply being sensitive to the comfort of others and taking them into consideration. It’s being a good and gracious host. And for guests, etiquette is making your host comfortable and being a good and gracious guest.

    Wearing white, not wearing red, who walks you down the aisle, etc. are tradition.

    That being said, I believe in following good etiquette. I do not, however, get fussed over holding to every little tradition.

    Post # 24
    Member
    1315 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    Yeah, we’re not really keeping to many of those! Haha! Sure it’ll work out fine anyway!

    Post # 25
    Member
    1870 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    @Encore: “Etiquette is simply being sensitive to the comfort of others and taking them into consideration. It’s being a good and gracious host. And for guests, etiquette is making your host comfortable and being a good and gracious guest.”

    BINGO!

    Post # 28
    Member
    866 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    @Encore: Yes and yes to your post. “Traditions” can be expected in one culture and rude in another (dollar dance, anyone?); etiquette is ubiquitous (writing thank-you notes).

    Post # 29
    Member
    689 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    We are paying for the majority of our wedding. My family has offered to gift us a few things such as cake, my dress and decorations. The whole dress scenario isn’t happening with me. We will also give guests an option of RSVPing online.

    Post # 30
    Member
    229 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    My family, and in particular FI’s family, are very traditional. We have followed or will be following all of the guidelines above. In fact, his mom is already stressing about the fact that my mom has not yet picked the color of her dress…

    Post # 31
    Member
    2536 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    @KatNYC2011: Hi five! That’s all I really cared about. He’s the one who wanted a wedding in the first place.

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