Post # 1
I really need to vent! I’m getting really tired of hearing this phrase come out of my future MIL’s mouth! While I know that old traditions dictate that the Bride’s family basically pay for everything under the sun, and host everything under the sun, it is 2011. We wanted both of our families to be involved in the wedding process. We are paying for mostly everything – of course my mom and stepdad have helped (my dad has helped a little). But when Fiance asked his parents if they could contribute anything, he was told “The Bride’s family traditionally pays for everything for the wedding.” (Just an FYI – Fiance kinda comes “from money” where as I do not).
So recently, my mom wanted to throw us an engagement party. Nothing fancy, just like a family get together, pot-luck style, so that our grandparent’s etc could meet for the first time (our parents have already met). My mom really wanted to include FI’s mom because she saw it as a way to get to spend some time getting to know her before the wedding. My mom sent her an email asking if she knew of any good places they could hold the get together (someone’s house, church etc. – my mom lives about an hour from where the rest of our families live). The response given was basically, “I don’t know how to do things like this, I’ve never done anything like this before. These things are usually planned by the bride’s family”.
I just wished that wasn’t her response to *everything* to do with the wedding. Chances are FI’s sister probably will never marry, and he will probably be their only child to get married. I just can’t understand why they don’t want to be involved with anything – not even a casual get together.
Phew! Ok, glad I got that out
Post # 3
What a BIATCH! Seriously, catty catty catty.
Your mum was trying to be friendly. I would have my Fiance have a word with his mum.
Post # 4
so far my FI’s mom doesn’t seem to want to be involved much. I’m not sure if it’s because our wedding is so far away or what, but I live closer to her than my own parents and I haven’t even seen her since we got engaged (over a month now). Not even a call or a card on congratulations (and she sends cards for EVERYTHING) she probably sent us 20 Valentines card between the two of us. Fiance went to visit his parents on wednesday and I told him to ask if she wanted to go to a bridal show on sunday with my mom and sisters. He said she didn’t seem too interested.
We haven’t had the money talk with them yet, but I’m thinking it’s not looking too good. Me and Fiance are planning on paying for mostly everything ourselves, but a little help would be nice as we are on a really tight budget.
I guess I just want her involved so we can sort of “bond” ya know? but i have a feeling she’s going to more of the “it’s the brides family’s responsibility”
Post # 5
Wow… she’s a piece of work! I’d be tempted to print out a list of what the groom’s family is TRADITIONALLY supposed to pay for! I mean, does it hurt for her to be friendly back?
Post # 6
Did your mom explain that this was an opportunity to get to know each other better? Also that they could do the planning together?
My grandmom went through something simillar when my mom was pregnant with my youngest brother. My mother re-married and got pregnant not too long after her marriage. So, my grandmom decided that she and my stepfather’s mother could get together and plan the baby shower. Well, his mother was a bitch about it and decided to back out last minute to throw her own. Moral of the story – people are ridiculous. I would want no part of someone who didn’t even give it a shot.
Post # 7
Money buys a lot of things, class and tact not among them, unfortunately.
Was she excited when you guys announced your engagement? What was your relationship with her like before the proposal?
Post # 8
If she wants to act like that then I would be planning one heck of a honeymoon on their dime since ya know, “the grooms family is supposed to pay for that”. They also normally cover the rehearsal dinner and cost of flowers. I would throw that in her face and see how she reacts.
Post # 9
I second @CaitMarae ‘s idea. Wholeheartedly. I even dare you! 😉
Post # 10
Can you have your guy talk to her? Really, this doesn’t seem to be a money issue. I don’t know what the issue is, but frankly she’s being a bitch and it’s going to cause problems down the line if you don’t confront this now.
I ignored a lot of digs my Mother-In-Law took at me and my family early on and they festered into a gigantic confrontation that resulted in us moving halfway across the country. So whatever her problem is, DON’T make it yours. What she’s doing is causing bad blood and hurt feelings, and I hope someone calls a “time-out” soon before anymore plans go ahead.
Post # 11
@UpstateCait: lol. I love it. I would do it!
Post # 12
@redhead3985: This is terrible! I’m sorry! I can kind of relate…our families’ financial situations are similar to yours and his mom is reading wedding etiquette books to see “just who pays for what”. Like you my response was “Are we living in the dark ages? It’s the 21st century!” It’s a crummy situation.
@UpstateCait: This is an excellent idea that I may use myself!
Post # 13
@UpstateCait: I third (fourth?) this.
Seriously what a jerk. I’m really GLAD Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t want anything to do with it, it’s FGIL (grandmother) that thinks she can plan our wedding and I should have it in her backyard. Um, no.
I also agree with PPs – you need to have a word with Fiance about this mom being rude. Maybe she isn’t being outwardly rude (to him) but she is clearly being cold and uninterested and unwilling to help. You’re right, it’s 2011. There’s no reason or rule that says the Groom’s family can’t pay for something or heck, at least give your mom an IDEA or VENUE for the party. :/ Meh. Sorry. Hope you feel better after your vent!
Post # 14
While I agree that this is SUCH a crappy thing for your Future Mother-In-Law to say repeatedly, I will say this. My Future Mother-In-Law has been very hands-off and is veryyyy into tradition (not to the point of making a big deal about it like your Future Mother-In-Law has), and when I decided to talk to her about including her in ideas and planning, she said she just didn’t want to step on any toes. Now, she loves hearing anything about the wedding. She even went dress shopping with us. But she still feels really weird asking about any wedding details or giving opinions. While I realize my experience doesn’t have to do with finances, I just wanted to share it with you, because maybe there’s a small chance that your Future Mother-In-Law is just so into tradition that she is clueless that you want financial help.
Post # 15
@redhead3985:Gah! How annoying! I am so surprised at how no one in my family wants to be involved with the wedding–not even my mom even though she’s paying.
Weddings create weird family dynamics. Steer clear of her during planning and hopefully it gets better after it’s all over.
Post # 16
Ugh, that’s annoying. I think you just have to look on the bright side that it’s one less opinion in the mix, and you get to do what you want.