- 6 years ago
Yes, it’s one of those posts again… I’ll try to summarize this as much as possible and only give relevant information. I’ve written about this in the past, but I can’t seem to find my original post about my ex-bridesmaid.
I recently asked a bridesmaid to step down, and severed ties with her. I thought the friendship was toxic, and I consistently could not rely on her for anything wedding-related, as well as not being sure if her emotional problems would affect the mood of the wedding day.
I was in the mourning stages for the last few months, since this friend and I had known each other for 20+ years. I was committed to sticking to my guns and moving on.
Yet, recently she reached out to me, and wanted to explain what had gone on over the last several months. She was going through a divorce with her husband, and she had pushed all of us (her friends) away. I therefore didn’t know all the details on her end of things.
She’d been having an affair before and after her wedding, and her husband found out 3 months after they got married. He filed for divorce. I sort of viewed it as entrapment, and I was angry that she didn’t tell her husband (my friend) before the wedding like she did when she was engaged the first time (yes she’s done that before). So, I was naturally angry for my friend, who’s also a groomsman for my Fiance.
So, after she reached out, I agreed to meet with her. She came over, and I started to ask her questions about her actions, in what I thought was a non-accusatory way, and she just got so defensive. I kept telling her, “you told me you wanted to meet to explain, and when I ask you a specific question, you jump down my throat.” She kept denying that any of us (her wedding party) had been affected by her affair (many of us spent several hundred dollars, and one BM/GM married couple had spent $1,000).
I tried explaining to her that we felt like pawns, and she completely shrugged it off, and was unapologetic.
Through all this, we agreed that we should work on our friendship, if we could salvage it. I’m a big pushover sometimes, and when she started to mention all the bad things I’ve done in our friendship (which are few), I felt guilty. She started making me feel like *I* was the bad friend, and insulted me by saying “you have some good qualities as a friend” yet didn’t mention a single one.
Therefore, I started doing what I always do with her, which is basically bargain for HER friendship when she’s never put any effort into being my friend. I told her I wanted to put her back in the wedding if I could. (this is what guilt makes me do)
She told me to talk to her ex, and see how he felt. She insists that she can keep it together the day of the wedding, but she’ll do what ever I want her to do.
I talked to my Maid/Matron of Honor, and she’s brought up some valid points. This girl has consistently forgotten about my wedding-related events like engagement parties and vendor meetings (which she of course gave excuses for and refused to acknowledge any wrongdoing). She also mentioned that if she was so distraught about her divorce that in December she tried to kill herself, did I really want to put her in a position that she would be in close proximity to her ex on one of the most important days of my life? Is she going to use the wedding as a way to get close to her ex to maybe rekindle something? Is she going to become emotional and start drinking heavily at the reception?
So at this point, I’m feeling pressured and obligated. I risk coming off as a B if I don’t put her back in. But it sends a message to my friend, her ex, that I don’t take seriously what she did, and his feelings don’t matter if I put her back in. And as for her causing a scene, even if she comes as a guest, there’s always the risk of that at the reception. Maid/Matron of Honor seems to think if I just invite her as a guest, she won’t even come.
What the heck do I do in this situation?
(And yes, I know I may get some “if you were a REAL friend” replies, but honestly I’ve put myself out there so much for her, and she’s just pushed me away each time.)