(Closed) The brother and mother-in-law saga

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I don’t know the back story here, but it sounds like they’re out of line!

Your BIL is in jail and expects you to wait or throw another wedding, just so he can be part of it?! Hell no! Part of being in jail is missing out on things like that, he messed up (unless he was innocent and wrongly accussed?) so too bad for him! He misses out, cry me a river!

As for them screaming at people when they don’t get their way- totally unacceptable. They’re grown adults, that would drive me nuts!

I’d tell Mother-In-Law that unless she plans to pay for this vow renewal, too bad, it’s not happening. If she does plan to pay, you can still tell her no, OR you can enjoy the free party. She doesn’t get to dictate anything about your lives, especially when she is so disrespectful.

Post # 5
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

You need to disengage. If they start to yell…tell them that the conversation is done and then leave…every time! Do NOT let their toxic behavior get to you. I have learned this through the years. It’s not easy at first but it is extremely effective.

As for his family planning another wedding for you, I would flat out say ‘No, you CHOSE to miss our wedding and it’s done.’ I also have to admit that I would be extremely tempted to let them plan it all out and then tell them the above statement the morning of the ‘wedding’ (but I can be evil that way! lol)

Post # 8
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@littlegreenleaf:  You don’t have to cut them out entirely if you don’t choose, however if you use an excuse to stay away then they will never change their attitude towards you. Setting boundaries is not easy (took me years) but once you do it the first time then it gets easier. Just remember…don’t be angry…their actions are not your responsibility…be up front and say ‘This is not acceptable behavior when you are with me.’

Post # 10
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@littlegreenleaf:  You’re right. They probably never will…and that’s why you (and your FI) need to be consistent and never let them start again. If they do just remove yourselves from the situation. They may not change themselves but they will usually change their behavior at least for the time they are with you.

I know this from actually doing it. I love my mom but she can be very controlling…even though I’m 43! There are certain things that she no longer does around me or says to me because I finally started to tell her ‘This is not up for discussion. If I want your opinion then I will ask.’ And then I exit the conversation. It’s surprising and it took a couple years but now she no longer tries to do this to me…well most of the time. Occasionally she does try again like she’s just ‘testing the waters’ again to see what she can get away with but I end that pretty quick. lol

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