Post # 1
- Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion
This question is part of our blog and boards series, The Buzz, where we poll the hive for great advice and ideas and run a selection of helpful answers on the blog. Read more about the series here, and a couple of our first The Buzz posts: Saving for your first home and Length of dating before getting engaged.
We want to know:
Newlyweds: How do you deal when people ask you when you’re going to have children?
Lend your helpful tips and advice to the community, and we’ll feature answers on the blog throughout this month!
Post # 3
Usually I just make a joke about how we can barely handle our cats, so kids are out of the question for now! Although this got awkward when I said it to DH’s second cousin at Christmas and, after telling her how crazy our cats are, she said, “Oh… well maybe you shouldn’t be parents then!” Thanks lady!
We are 25/26 so people don’t ask us too much though.
Post # 4
I depends who and how they ask. With my friends, babies aren’t an expectation and there are safety considerations too, so it’s a fairly positive conversation no matter what someone’s answer is.
With MIL the jokes got to be way too much and she knows I’m dealing with a bunch of health issues so I just asked DH to talk to her. She’ll still joke about it, but it’s once every few months instead of every time I talk to her.
Post # 5
@Mrs. Mouse: DH and I just got married in November, and we haven’t really had to deal with this question yet. His mother is more interested in my cat (she calls him her “grand child”), and we live in the NYC area where people have children very late (I am 30, DH is 33).
I did get asked about “children plans” right before I got married by a random person. All I did was wrinkle my nose in this “Yeah… No” way, and said, “FI and I are not really big fans of children…” That shut them up.
Post # 6
I am a little older than bride, married at 32. My friends and family know I want children right away. Since being married, no one has flat out asked me when I am having children. If a friend did, I would say I want them as soon as possible. If someone I didn’t know asked, I’d probably say the same thing.
Post # 7
Not even married yet and FMIL is already trying to pursuade me to name our non existant child the name that she wants.
Post # 8
We are childfree by choice and I have found that most of the people in my social circle do not respect that. I have taken to being really obnoxious about my responses. I have said many of the following:
Why do you ask??
Why not just bang my head on the wall and burn all my money??
I don’t have to put my hand In boiling water to know its not a good idea.
Because I like sex too much to give it up.
I prefer to swallow – my favorite with pushy grandmas and aunts, they never ask again lol
When the price of children goes up on the black market.
Most of them are pretty snarky, but I have found discussing it just leads to them trying to convince me that childfree is wrong, and that I will change my mind. So, snarky it is
Post # 9
It works for even if you don’t want kids or if you’re going to wait a while. Why? because if you’re not pregnant after a few months (whether it’s intentional or not) most people will assume you’re having fertility problems and hopefully stop asking. Or at least I’ve seen that work in the past.
If I didn’t want kids, I’d be straigt up and say “We’re not planning on having kids” no need to hide it. If they give me a hard time then I’d tell them to go live their own life.
Post # 10
Depending on who is asking, it can vary from, “Oh we want to wait a few years,” to, “Don’t hold your breath.”
The great thing is, everyone in my family and friend group is very supportive of our decision to wait a few years….for now. I hope it stays that way. I’m 27, and I have no intention of having kids for 3 years or so.
Post # 11
We just say that we want at least 2 years to enjoy being married before seriously thinking about kids.
Post # 12
@qhaftershock: I do plan on having kids eventually but I feel like that is an inapporiate question 9 times out of 10 it is asked. So my favorite response along the same lines as yours is:
Why are you so concerned about what happens to my uterus? Or
Stay out of my uterus?
Most people feel uncomfortable and shut up at that point. They also do a quick change of subject that I roll with.
Post # 13
I tell the truth : we do not want to have any. If they start to argue or to tell me they used to me like me or they know someone who said that and now has 3 kids (as it happens most of the times), I just listen to them smiling, then change the conversation topic when I have a chance. I learned over time that these people are convinced they know better, and that any answer I would give would not satisfy them, so it’s useless and I will only waste my time trying to explain myself. I don’t have to. My life, my choices.
Surprisingly enough, MEN have been the most aggressive on this topic. I’ve had many women look at me in surprise but tell me they really admire my choice or that it’s great that I get to choose if I want kids or not and that they respect that. On the other hand, most men I’ve said that to have challenged me to change my mind and replied nasty comments on how ”egoist” I was and that it was not normal not to want kids. To them I will sometimes reply ”if I ever change my mind in my forties, I might consider adoption.” But I don’t understand why sometimes, people assume I’m the only one deciding. I’ve had a few people comment on ”how is your FI living with your decision ?”. Excuse me ? It’s OUR decision. Before we met, we both wanted to meet a childfree partner. We were happy to find each other and we discussed it right from the start because neither of us would have wasted our time over someone who wanted to have kids.
Post # 14
Oh, if it’s family I often say “Have you seen my nieces and nephews?”
Post # 15
Marriage, for your late 20s/early 30s painfully middle-class English person, is often followed by children within the next few years. That said, hardly any of my contemporaries have children yet, and many of my friends have been a bit horrified at the thought of us considering children in the next few years (“but you’re only 30!”). I think the economic situation may be part of the reason for that.
When I am asked, I usually say “quite soon, I think… next few years”, because it’s true. However, I would hate to be tied down more than that because I don’t really want to discuss my (unprotected) sex life in public, have no desire for people to find out about a possible pregnancy until I am at least 12 weeks, and also don’t really want people’s unsolicited opinions. For example, my mother has suggested I don’t have children for many years because I “don’t have much of a career yet”. But DH’s grandmother complains that I’m “getting on, and the man’s career is the important one anyway, dear” whenever we see her!
The market is so bad right now that I’ve sort of given up on the idea of having a career, to be honest. I’ll just muddle through like everyone else! Interesting how people seem to assume that it is a reason for delaying pregnancy in my case, though.
Post # 16
@NauticalDisaster: DH gets it much worse from coworkers/friends than I do. Everyone respects that for now we don’t want any and it’s probably not going to change. With DH when he says we aren’t planning on having any, at least for now, they say that will change.