(Closed) the c-word (what if we end up on different pages)

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4323 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Valid concern. One I think about often. Mine wants two children, and as the person potentially consigning her body out to grow these people, I’m not sure I’m even on board for ONE, which he’s known from the beginning. I told him adoption is an option, but he does not want to go that route at all. I told him I could perhaps birth one, but agreeing to two before knowing what ONE is like, heck no.

 

I know my breezy reply isn’t what you’re looking for right now, but I don’t have time to delve into the feelings and meta-cognition aspects of it. I just wanted to drop in and say I know exactly how you feel, and you are not alone. Maybe I’ll come back after work for more discussion.

Post # 5
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Oh dear.  This is a pickle.  Maybe as a nanny I can offer some advice.  

 

So you guys have all these pals who have just had kids.  Usually in situations like this the new parents are looking for ANYONE to help or to give them a break, so my suggestion to you is give it to them as a “test run” for your sweetie.  Either plan a night for the new parents to have a date out (which I’m sure they desperately need) or loan your fiance out to the new mom for some “daddy duty”.  Believe me, for most men when they are face to face with a nasty poop or a spitting, screaming, inconsolable, colicky baby, they will quickly remember how lucky they are that this isn’t a 24/7 gig for them and be thankful for that little nugget of clarity.  

 

Then again this little venture might back-fire and your fiance’s biological urge might grow.  However, I really doubt it.  Men aren’t set up to be the ‘nurturers’ in parenting, so if he is put to this and sees just how hard it is and how much you WILL have to give up to have kids, it more than likely will put him off the idea.  

 

Let us know how it works out!

Post # 6
Member
8351 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

This is something that will really affect your lives together, so I suggest babysitting for some of the friends. That will give you both a little bit of an idea of what would be involved; not just for a couple of hours either; for a couple of days.

Post # 7
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I can totally understand where you are coming from. I do not want kids, and the older I get, the more I know this is the right decision for me. I have told hubs that since we started dating, and once we were engaged I continuously asked him if he was willing to never have kids in order to be with me. Trust me, I gave him every chance possible to get out of marrying me, which some might think is crazy, but I take marriage very seriously, and wanted no regrets on either side.  We came to an agreement that ultimately, I get final say in baby making department, since it is mostly all my sacrifice to have one.  So far, it hasn’t really come up, and any time he thinks it might be a possibility, we babysit one of our friends kids, or our nieces or nephews, and he changes his mind really quickly.  We could never agree to be able to raise a baby where we would both be happy, and I am not willing to give up my life and the way I live it to have one

Post # 8
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I agree with PPs….I can recall with great clarity the moment that solidified my desire to wait a while to have kids, if ever. It was about a year ago, and it was a 72-hour babysitting gig.

Post # 9
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I agree to have him babysit for one, either for an evening, or for a weekend so the parents can have a weekend get-away.  It will probably cure him of his baby fever.  If it doesn’t though, I would recommend being on the same page before marriage.  Or at the very least, establish if having kids/not having kids is a deal-breaker for you.  I remember in HS one of my favorite teachers was getting a divorce largely in part because he wanted kids and she didn’t, (several years later I saw him in a store with his second wife and their little girl).

Post # 10
Member
826 posts
Busy bee

Regarding this bit:

“I haven’t closed myself off to compromise… I’ve told him that if he wanted to make a real commitment to being a more involved parent, if he could work a flexible schedule or stay at home, I would be 100% willing to reconsider… if he can make the child-rearing happen, I can deal with this.”

 

Whatever you do…please don’t have kids unless you’re willing to parent them the way you’re supposed to.  I would feel incredibly hurt if I felt that my mother didn’t like to parent me, or wasn’t super happy about having me in the first place.  The attitude of “I’ll birth them, but YOU have to take care of them, because I wasn’t the one who suggested we have them” cannot end well.  

Post # 11
Member
2191 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@ThingsThatShine: Yeah I have to agree with you here.

OP, I don’t think you meant that to sound the way it did but I honestly couldn’t imagine feeling that way and still having a child. You should 100% want to be a mother not be just willing to birth the kid and hand it off to the father to take care of cause it’s not really your thing. (Again not saying you said this but that is how the previous statment can be taken).

I would say really really do soul searching before having a child.

Post # 12
Member
949 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh, that’s a little tricky. I completely know what you mean about it seeming like he likes the idea more than he would like the reality. If I’m understanding you right, it sounds like you’re not so much against having children flat out, as the imbalance of responsibility you see coming out of it? Makes a lot of sense to me–but then, from other threads, it’s pretty clear that you and I have some similar viewpoints. I guess the way I see it, the issue is less about whether he’s sure he wants kids and more if he understands that you wouldn’t want to be the full-time parent, and that his friends’ lives are not the same as his life would be with a kid. The above suggestions about having him spend some “real life” time with other peoples’ kids make a lot of sense to me.

I had always figured that I would sort of get “stuck” having kids because everyone else I ever dated KNEW they wanted them. But Fiance doesn’t, and it’s both a relief and a surprise to me. We have a sort of relationship clause whereby we’ll revisit the idea of kids when I’m 30 in case I do finally get baby fever, but I’m pretty sure I still won’t want them then. I can see what you mean, though– it’s a little worrying to feel like you’re becoming less interested in having kids and he’s getting more vocal about it, or whatever it is he’s doing.

Post # 14
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Entangled: I think you really need to calm down. It doesn’t seem like he really wants kids, he likes the idea of it.  I really don’t think you have anything to worry about. I point blank asked my husband if being with me was more important, or having kids, and without a second thought he said I was most important, and he has not changed his mind, 7 years later.  Sure, I see that gleam in his eye sometimes, but its really just the idea of having our own spawn walking around, something that only the 2 of us were able to make.  Its an awesome idea, but honestly, I couldn’t imagine having to rear a child.  And neither could he

Post # 16
Member
3977 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Darling Husband and I discussed kids before getting married as well and decided they weren’t for us. I certainly hope this doesn’t happen to us. I hope the pressures of family and friends don’t inspire any changes.

Maybe you can do the babysitter thing. Watching children for hours usually removes the exciting mystique.

Edit: oops, I didn’t refresh the page after coming back to this and I see other people already offered the same advice. It’s good stuff 😀

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