- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 2012
My fiance & I have never been married, no kids. We have been together for a little over 3 years, lived together for over 2 years.
The issue…HIS MOM!
Luckily, we live 900 miles away which is helping keep me sane. About a week before my boyfriend (at the time) proposed to me I had requested that he tell his Mom of his plans because I didn’t want her to ruin our joy after he proposed. The proposal was expected (but still a surprise) as we had our rings custom made.
A little background about his Mom & then I will come back to the conversation that he had with her a few weeks ago…I’ve only met her once. She came out to ‘visit’ 2 years ago and stayed with us for about 2 weeks. She drove out and couldn’t give us an exact time that she was going to arrive at our house. When she got here the house was ready, except I didn’t have pillowcases on the pillows in the guest bedroom. They were folded and placed right beside the pillows but this made her very upset at me of course because well I guess it was my responsibility not her sons. Weeks before she arrived my SO & I had packed up the entire bathroom I use–YES, everything under the sink, in the drawers etc…things in the guest bedroom also had to be packed away and put in storage. I kept thinking to myself, this is not normal. Who expects to have an entire room and bathroom when they are visiting, whether a friend or family member!! (We live in a 2 bedroom 2 bath townhome)
While she was here she & I did not get along. We never had cross words with one another but she would take stuff of mine & hide it in the basement or in drawers. She called my cat ‘The Beast,’ I offered to help cook dinner one night she said no thank you she didn’t need help etc…I would tell my SO about what happened that day & he would go to his Mom and she would give him her side of the story. Yet she couldn’t deny that she hid my things & called my cat ‘The Beast.’ She will send a Christmas card only addressed to him. She knows our b’days are only 6 days apart but doesn’t wish me a Happy Birthday etc…My parents have never met my SO but they still ask about him, tell him Hello etc…
So when SO was talking to his Mom via phone & told her about the upcoming proposal I happened to be right beside him (it was not planned, just worked out that way). Her reply, ‘well honey, I’m happy for you.’ She then goes into this tyriad about how she saw right thru me within 30 minutes of meeting me, I am maniupulative, she doesn’t think I can function on a daily basis, she doesn’t think I can handle a budget and she said remember I told gave you a specific example while I was there that I think she guilts you into doing things. My SO was baffled, he said Mom I have no idea what you are talking about. He asked for the example-she couldn’t remember. A little about me…I’ve been in the same career for 20 years, it is not uncommon for me to work 50+ hours a week, I have supported myself (no roommates) for 18 years, went to college etc… We cannot figure out where she gets this impression of me. My SO has told me for years that she ‘sees’ things totally different than the next person but to totally rip me apart was totally unbelieveable. They talked a little more and then said goodbye. I told SO that I had a few unanswered questions and he was going to have to call his Mom back. He did, she then said our house was filthy, she couldn’t believe that we left a step stool along with the vacuum cleaner in the guest bedroom closet and that I didn’t clean out the bathroom that she was using while she was here. My SO told his Mom that YES, the bathroom was completely empty and if the step stool and vacuum bothered her so much she should’ve told him and he would’ve put in the garage. Who would’ve stayed somewhere for 2 weeks, if they were so uncomfortable? Oh & she also said I was antisocial & not a good hostess. She drove out here so she could’ve left at anytime & there are plenty of hotels nearby.
How do I deal with this lady? I’m not going anywhere and if she thinks she is going to drive me away she has another thing coming. My fiance promises me that if his Mom makes him choose, he would choose me. He sent her a pic the night he proposed, she replied back saying Congrats and we haven’t heard a word from her since.
I’ve asked my fiance if he has said something to his Mom about my debt (school loans) he said no. I’ve asked him if he has told her anything personal about me that he shouldn’t have-he said NO. My fiance & I have never had a big fight-never broken up etc…we have a wonderful relationship. My parents want the best for me which makes it so hard for me to understand how his Mom could be so nasty towards me. My fiance is in his late 40’s, he isn’t getting any younger-does she want him to be alone for the rest of his life? We won’t be having kids (I’m not able to due to health reasons) & I have asked him to keep that private, it is none of his Mom’s business.
She also told him that maybe his sister & I can be friends. She came out for a week and we got along great. His Mom is a Christain but her actions are not Christian like. She told SO that she would never forgive or forget what happened when she visited us 2 years ago-referring to me, because she felt so unwelcomed.
We have a trip already planned to go see her in the fall. SO has told her on more than 1 occassion that if she is disrespectful towards me – I (or both of us) will be returning home ASAP. Her response, dear I am always a great hostess, everyone who comes in my home is welcome & feels welcome. BTW, the only reason we are going to see her was because if we didn’t she said she would come out here.
We are eloping, she does not know this. FSIL is kinda giving fiance a hard time, saying ‘you know Mom is going to be devasted.’ I don’t care-I have told fiance for 1 1/2 years that we would elope & I don’t want anyone at our ceremony (2 witnesses) who doesn’t support us.
I have been told by my friends, family, coworkers, etc…that I have a sunny disposition, I’m upbeat friendly have a great personality, I light up a room when I walk in (people who have known me 20+ years). Hearing this BS from my Future Mother-In-Law is so hard on me.
Bees, what should I do? I don’t want to go on this trip in the fall. In a way I think it may cause a lot of stress between my fiance & I. I don’t want him to be in the middle but that is exactly what she is doing.
Oh and she has a housekeeper and hasn’t worked in over 25 years because her husband (who is now deceased) was able to provide for them.