(Closed) “The D Word”

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I couldn’t agree more.  My parents are happily divorced, my FIs parents are unhappily married.  I think (and Fiance agrees) that I was raised in a much healthier environment having parents who raised me together, but lived apart. 

Divorce happens.  Nobody wants it to, nobody plans for it and no one on this site is planning their wedding thinking it will be fun while it lasts.  But it happens.  And it should be ok to talk about it. 

Post # 4
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

I agree with what you both said. My problem isn’t with divorce per se (child of divorce here) but the fact that so many divorces could probably be eliminated by couples not getting married in the first place. I may offend some here and I don’t mean to…but getting engaged and married so quickly, at very young ages, because the woman is pregnant, etc. Statistics show that these are some of the most common reasons for divorce. Or at least they contribute to a higher likelihood. If a couple is 100% “sure” they want to marry and work hard at it and give it all they have, try counseling, etc. and it still doesn’t work-then by all means get divorced. Just my thoughts…I’m interested to see what others say. Interesting!

Post # 5
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I agree with you….

But I also think that it can be a dirty word. I am talking about WITHIN the relationship.

Will Smith was on Oprah this past year and he said something to the effect that if divorce is an option, you will most likely get divorced. He and his wife say that it’s not an option so they better make it work.

I feel that when you are in a marraige…it should’t be an option.

I am NOT talking about abuse, and other real deal breakers

But I am talking about the fact that I HATE that people with fight and use this as a threat. I think once you have opened that door, you are screwed. You should take divorce DEADLY serious and should never say that you want a divorce unless you are actually walking out the door. I don’t think people should ever use this as a threat or a way to express frustration

I have a freind and when he and his partner fight…then often will say that they don’t want to be with each other

I don’t agree with this. Not only does that type of fighting not make me feel safe…I really feel like you are playing with fire. Divorce is a big deal and not something to say in the heat of an arugment.

I 100% think that in a marriage …the “d” word SHOULD be a taboo and thus never discussed unless you are actually to the point where the marriage has broken down and you really think you are going to leave. Until that point…it should not be used as a threat in the middle of a fight.

Post # 6
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Just adding another perspective.

I think a lot of girls on here are used to the idea of Girl meets Boy. Girl and Boy falls in love. Girl and Boy get married.

However, that is NOT true everywhere in this world. Yes, arranged marriages still do exist in this world! Especially in non Western cultures. Maybe not arranged like we’re trading our daughter for a pig and the first time the daughter sees her future husband is on wedding day. And also a lot of us our parents were a result of arranged marriages.I have a good friend who’s parents were because of a arranged marriage. They are miserable together. Fight constantly. They have had separate bedrooms for as long as she remembers. But they refuse to get a divorce because it’s unacceptable in the Chinese culture. It’s like you’re a failure if you have to get a divorce. It is taboo to even think of divorce in our culture. The idea is to suffer silently but pretend like you’re happy.

So yes, I agree with you that there are times where couples should get a divorce.

It’s not a bad word. It’s not taboo. It’s not something you should skirt around. It’s something very real that a lot of couples should talk about.

I’m not saying that couples should divorce at the sign of trouble. Quite the contrary. I just think there are people out there who stick to a bad relationship just because they do not believe in divorce at all. Because they are so afraid to bring the subject up.

That is just MY opinion.

And god, this is NO reflection AT ALL on how I view MY relationship with my Fiance. We’re in it for life and beyond baby!We are so much better together than 90% of the couples we know, dating or married!

Post # 7
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree. I was 8 when my parents divorced and I loved it.  They get along really well now, and as a kid they both focussed more attention on me and my siblings after they split.  Thanks for adressing this.

Post # 8
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Great post, I totally agree with you. 

My number one gripe with treating divorce as if it’s terrible is that many women (and men) end up feeling like they can’t get out of an unhealthy relationship because divorce is somehow wrong. 

I personally think there’s a huge difference between a lifetime commitment and opposition to divorce. Saying you won’t get divorced does not make you more committed to the well being of the person you’re marrying. R and I have our own personal divorce caveats that we’ve talked about: both the wine box letters (a la many of the bees) and couples’ therapy. Our marriage is worth fighting for, and if or when the time comes we will fight like hell. 

I have a lot of negative feelings about institutions looking down on divorce, but I won’t spew them here. I’ll just say that I wish more people phrased their determination not to get divorced as “As a couple, we have decided divorce is not an option for us.” rather than “I’m committed to my husband/wife; I think if you’re willing to consider divorce you’re not fully committed.” I’ve seen that even here on the Bee, and it makes me so sad. I thought we were better than that!

Post # 9
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree that it shouldn’t be seen as some horrific taboo.  Growing up, my Dad’s parents were divorced and both happily remarried.  They didn’t separate until he was in his twenties, so it wasn’t that big a deal to him, and they were much happier in their second marriages.  It was definitely something normal to me, even preferable in a lot of situations.  To my boy, it’s a lot tougher.  His parents divorced when he was in high school and it was messy – still is, years and years later. 

To me, marriage is a legal contract.  It is a partnership.  There are situations under which that partnership can and should be dissolved, but it’s a lot of work and therefore something not to take lightly.  Granted, I am about the least romantic person ever and also don’t have any religious/cultural reasons that might make marriage more sacred to me.  But, yeah, divorce is not desirable but it is OK.  In situations of abuse, be it physical, verbal, emotional, it IS desirable.  In situations like that, I think the marriage has already been compromised – there’s nothing to honor.

But, to him, seeing what his parents went through (as opposed to what my grandparents went through), he feels that if he is going to get married, it had better be forever.  It makes me uncomfortable that he expects that commitment, but I also know that I want to share it with him.  Another aside – neither of us are people who grew up / went through our late teens and early twenties thinking of marriage as something we necessarily wanted, albeit for somewhat different reasons.

To me, thinking of divorce as an absolutely last resort to be avoided through any and all possible measures is something I will do out of respect and love for him, not the institution of marriage.  That doesn’t mean I won’t joke about it – I joke about everything, especially things that shouldn’t be joked about. 

Post # 10
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I agree with spraguebride totally. If divorce is NOT an option than you won’t get divorced. For hubby and I, we agreed divorce is not an option. Both our parents have been happily married for close to 30 years and trust me they’ve had some pretty serious up’s and downs but they stuck it out and made it work. I had a tv special on the other day and some people actually think this “well if it doesn’t work out, we’ll just get divorced.” If that’s your train of thought then you should not be married. Of course not everyone feels that way thankfully. We don’t have to use divorce as a threat or even discuss it because we believe we will be together for the rest of our lives as far as talking about divorce with other people whenever it’s brought up I don’t say “d word”. It’s a fact people get divorced it’s not 1920 anymore buuut it’s not something FH and I would ever do. For the record we don’t judge people who are divorced or believe in divorce either that’s their lives and it doesn’t effect us.

Post # 11
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

How is joking about divorce or bringing it up “giving that option” though? There’s a difference between using divorce as a threat in a fight, and talking about it as a concept. There’s even a difference between bringing up divorce seriously as a hypothetical, or exploring your thoughts when you’re having problems. I think it’s healthy to talk about divorce, not to emotionally blackmail your partner with it. I don’t see how it’s so black and white as any bringing up of divorce is “giving that option.” I’m not just trying to play devil’s advocate here, I’d really like to hear your opinions! Because I’ve always been confused about this issue, and it’s never bothered me in the slightest when it comes up jokingly – i.e., R saying, “I think you would have divorced me if I had decided to bring guns into the house when we had kids!” – we don’t say things like that because we think divorce is a possibility at that moment, we joke about it because at this point we’re at a good, secure point in our relationship where the thought seems laughable. And, to bring this back to the original post, I think that giving divorce that taboo means that it does become “the D word” and gaspworthy.

I don’t think it’s as clear cut as either you’re committed, or you figure you might as well get divorced. Most people put a lot of thought and painstaking deliberation into their decision to get divorced, and it’s rarely a first resort. 

Post # 12
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with @lilyfaith – it’s not as simple as “We’re a great couple because divorce is not an option” or “We’re not committed because divorce is.” Also, I think people should be realistic about saying divorce isn’t an option. You can’t predict the future, and people who say it’s not an option are kidding themselves, In My Humble Opinion.

Example: couple is perfect for each other; couple has a baby; mother gets postpartum depression that gets worse and worse as the months/years go on. She can’t take care of the child, who is growing up in this horrible environment. The parents separate so the child can be raised away from this and the mother can get better. Oh, and before all this, they also thought divorce wasn’t an option for them. Is there any way they could have possibly foreseen what happened? 

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