(Closed) The "Did I Cheat?" Continuation Thread

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 377
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

i can’t believe how many bees think its not rape and that being drunk made it “ok”. That also says horrible thins about men–that men are just animals who can’t control their desires—the old argument of “well look how she’s dressed…”

 I was at a party when I was 19, got really drunk and passed out in an empty bedroom. Woke up and a guy was on top of me having sex with me. Are you going to tell me that isn’t rape?

Also he was my (obviously former) best friend, as in we hung out all the time (always platonically), he even babysat my little brother. Does it make it “not rape” since he was my good friend? OF COURSE NOT–IT IS RAPE

Post # 378
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@BeachBride2014:  My husband still does the same to me because ‘I don’t like sloppy s#x. HAHAHA But seriously….that’s what you’re supposed to do. Turn them down, grab them some water and tylenol and send them home.

Post # 380
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Yo.  TexasSpringBride is not saying date rape doesn’t happen.  She is saying a few things…namely, that the specific example in question does not include enough details for her to judge whether the woman was raped…and that women should take responsibility for themselves.

People are taking issue with the latter because of the fact that no woman deserves to get raped.  Well, DUH, no woman deserves to get raped.  HOWEVER…that doesn’t mean rapes don’t happen.  It doesn’t mean a woman is 100% safe if she dresses in revealing clothing, drinks at a bar with strangers, and goes home with a stranger — or even with a friend.  We all know that women aren’t 100% safe in these situations, yet these situations happen all the time.  It does not make any assault that happens the FAULT of the victim…but it does mean that women can take action to protect themselves.  

Here is a story I was thinking about on the way home from work:

My friend and I got drunk at a shady bar (there were like holes in the floor and stuff…total dive!  since rennovated.  details.) and decided to go home with these two random guys.  I don’t think we even knew their names.  One looked like my first boyfriend ever (so cute!) so I was really into him.  We were TOTALLY drunk.  Like so drunk my friend was WALKING ON TOP OF CARS.  Crazy.  The guys had been buying us drinks, and could have put anything in there.  So we get to their house, and I started making out with the guy, and the other guy pulled my friend into his bedroom.  She was shouting for me, holding a whiffle bat (you know, always be prepared), laughing, but saying NO NO NO to the guy over and over.  I would stop making out with the guy, check on her, see that he wasn’t touching her, and go back to the couch.  Finally she was like, “PEACH WE NEED TO LEAVE!!!!!” and we did.  We literally bolted out of the house, and ran back to my apartment.  

We told this story to her brother (um who is my darling fiance now!) and his response was, “You guys are idiots.”  Anyone we tell that story to tells us, endearingly or not, that we’re stupid, dumb, whatever.  And it’s true.  We were utterly defenseless (save a whiffle bat) against these guys…and knowing the rape culture that is out there, still made the semi-conscious decision to go to their house.  My point is that women definitely do stupid things.  That does NOT NOT NOT mean rape is THEIR FAULT.  The rapist is at fault.  But women can’t relinquish all responsbility for ending up in some situations.

 

Yeah this won’t go over well I know.  I’m going to dye my hair, check back, go to a birthday party for a one year old (stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of), tutor, and then I’ll be back.  =)

Post # 381
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@TexasSpringBride:  I’m sorry that happened to you.  But it doesn’t have to be that bad to be rape.  The VAST MAJORITY of rape is date rape, even though society (and people on this thread) thinks it’s not legit unless it was a violent stranger.

Again, I think a big reason for some women’s reaction is that they look to find fault with the victim so they can feel like it wouldn’t happen to them because they don’t share that fault.  By thinking they are superior/smarter than the victim because they wouldn’t do XYZ, they feel safer, because they think they couldn’t be a victim.  To admit that people who do normal things, including the common human mistake of having a drink too many, can be a victim means we can all be victims.  It’s true, of course, but it’s too much for some people to handle.

Post # 382
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@WillyNilly:  Hahaha! Sloppy drunk sex leaves much to be desired!

Post # 383
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

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@WillyNilly:  Agreed. Some people commit arson, right? But if my friend called me crying, because her house was on fire and it looked like all would be lost, I’d rush right over and be supportive of her and do everything I could to help – even though I know that sometimes arson is a thing and it’s nasty and awful and shameful. I wouldn’t be citing statistics about arson rates and going on about what she should have done to prevent this. I’d support that lady.

Yeah, it sucks when someone is falsely accused of rape, but I don’t think that’s a good reason to totally discount everyone’s rape experiences. Good god, can’t we give our fellow women a little support? Seriously. There’s so much shaming going on.

Post # 384
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE IF ANYONE THINKS IM BLAMING THE VICTIM BECAUSE I AM NOT BLAMING THE VICTIM. I THINK MY POINT WAS LOST OR I CAME ACROSS HORRIBLY WRONG.

I BELIEVE THAT WOMEN SHOULD USE COMMON SENSE. WE EXPECT MEN TO USE COMMON SENSE BUT WE SHOULD USE IT TOO.

I CANT KNOW FOR SURE IF IT WAS RAPE OR NOT FROM THE ORIGINAL POST BECAUSE WE DONT HAVE CLARIFICATION ON WHETHER SHE WAS DRUNK AND PASSED OUT WHEN THE SEX HAPPENED OR IF SHE HAD ALCOHOLIC AMNESIA AND HAD SEX AND JUST DOESNT REMEMBER. SHE DIDNT SAY IN THE ORIGINAL POST THAT HE WAS GIVING HER DRINKS. SHE MENTIONED DRINKING LOTS AND DOING ANOTHER SUBSTANCE.

WE CANT KNOW IF SHE GAVE CONSENT BECAUSE IN THE ORIGINAL POST SHE CANT REMEMBER IF SHE GAVE CONSENT. IF SHE GAVE HIM A VERBAL YES THEN WE HAVE TO ASSUME THAT SHE MEANT YES. IF THERE WAS A NO THEN YES IT WAS RAPE

ITS MURKY. HOWEVER I DO KNOW THAT DATE RAPE HAPPENS AND THAT IT IS JUST AS HORRIFYING AS A VIOLENT ATTACK.  IF SOMEONE IS PLYING YOU WITH DRINK THEN YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY BE SUSPECT. HOWEVER BE SAFE AND DONT ACCEPT DRINKS AND NEVER LET SOMEONE HOLD A DRINK FOR YOU.

I TRULY DO FEEL FOR ANYONE WHO HAS BEEN ASSAULTED. ITS A TERRIBLE EXPERIENCE AND ONE THAT IS LIFE ALTERING.

I WOULD RECOMMEND THAT WOMEN TAKE ACTION ALWAYS TO PROTECT THEMSELVES AND NOT PUT THEMSELVES IN SITUATIONS WHERE SOMETHING LIKE THIS CAN HAPPEN. HOWEVER RAPE DOES HAPPEN REGARDLESS OF THE MEASURES WE TAKE TO PROTECT OURSELVES AND AS SUCH ANYONE WHO COMMITS RAPE SHOULD BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OF THE LAW.

BUT AGAIN PLEASE USE COMMON SENSE AND GOOD JUDGEMENT IN ALL SITUATIONS IN LIFE.

Post # 385
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

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@artichokey:  Girls ‘crying rape’ is a myth.

I’ve been staying out of this thread, but I wanted to hop in and respond to that statement. While it may not be common, and I’m certainly not saying that any girl who says she’s been assaulted/date raped/raped etc is falsifying, it’s not a myth and it does happen.

A family member of mine had to testify in court for a friend who was accused of rape. Long story short, a close group of friends were hanging out at someone’s apartment, including a girl who was in a relationship, but whose boyfriend wasn’t there that night. People were drinking, the girl was first flirting, then kissing, then groping my family member’s friend. She then asked this friend to take her into his bedroom, where they were overheard having sex. They both came back out and carried on with the evening. Later, this girl realized that because so many mutual friends were at the party, her boyfriend might find out what happened, so she said that she was drunk and had been raped. She filed a police report. The case went to trial. She lost because nearly every single person at that party, including her close friends, testified that she had not appeared intoxicated and had initiated the sexual activity. She clung to the rape claim for as long as she could, nearly ruining the guy’s life.

Now, do I think the guy has questionable morals because he knew this girl was in a relationship and slept with her anyway? Yes. Do I think he raped her (even though she had been drinking?) No. Absolutely not.

My only point is, while the majority of rape cases filed aren’t false, some are. And in the particular case I speak of, it was able to be proven. In some cases, I’m sure it couldn’t be proven due to lack of witnesses.

Girls crying rape is not a myth.

Post # 386
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

WTF is “common sense” ?? does that mean just because I’m a woman I shouldn’t go to a bar, or I’m not allowed to get drunk at a party?

Also, for the record, I was wearing baggy jeans and an old t shirt when I was raped. GOOD THING I DON’T WEAR REVEALING CLOTHING CUZ ID PROBABLY GET RAPED LIKE EVERYDAY.

Post # 387
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

Post # 388
Member
1695 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

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@AnAppleA_Day:  The point is not that it DOESN’T happen.  The point is that it is a small number.  And that is only a small number of reported assaults.  Only 1/3 of assaults are even reported.  Focusing on that issue negates the seriousness and prevalence of the problem. 

Post # 389
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

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@kvliner:  if you told him that you would never do these things and you said you wouldnt do those things then he in fact victimized you. Im sorry that happened to you. Im not standing up for a rapist. I am saying that we should all make sure that we make ourselves as safe as possible.

It does not show good common sense to accept drinks from strangers or even dates, if you feel they have an ulterior motive. It also doesnt show good common sense to go home with someone while intoxicated unless its someone who can be absolutely trusted to look after your best interest.

Post # 390
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

Edit: Fuck this. This board is too much and I’m tired of putting my story out there and being denied and victim-blamed. It is too sad to me that women work so hard against each other. I can’t believe I ever thought the bee would be a good supportive environment.

Post # 391
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@TexasSpringBride:  I think part of the backlash you might be getting is the yes part. Blacked out people saying yes should not qualify as a yes. I know logically it doesn’t sound that way, but for a victim, because she had no idea what she was consenting to (I wish I had a link to show what happens to the decision making part of your brain in intense intoxication but I am on my phone), it’s not true consent. Make sense?

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