(Closed) The Disgrace of Infertility

posted 7 years ago in TTC
Post # 17
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Also, apologies for the length, and any typos,(I’m on my phone!)

Post # 18
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

jny, I’m so sorry that you’re now into cycle 14. I ache for you – I ache for everyone here who has had to see the double digits when trying to conceive. Anyone who has crossed over into that official “infertile” diagnosis. The article you posted was a poignant one; while I think a lot of people (especially in the younger generation) don’t see it as a personal problem, I think we hold back in talking about it because we’re afraid that others – especially the older generation – do.

It becomes shameful because you don’t want to have intimate conversations with friends and family members – saying that you’re infertile brings so many unwanted questions and concerns and unsolicited advice. Stop drinking coffee! Lose weight! Are you sure you’re doing it right? It becomes a condescending pity-fest…because surely SOME of it must be within your control!

I hit cycle 10 yesterday (and just being honest, am quite confident I will cross 12). We went to our initial RE consultation to get the ball rolling. Now it’s just a matter of getting their financial coordinator to actually get back to us in a timely way. For us, we think we might get started on the basics (blood work for me, SA for him) at the beginning of cycle 11 or 12. I don’t know why, really, but to a degree the ‘shame’ – I don’t even know if that’s the right word for what I feel – is keeping us from plowing full steam ahead.

He took the first of two at-home sperm count tests the other day. It came up obviously negative – i.e., suggesting a low count. In a few more days, he’ll take the second. So, I guess at that point we’ll definitely get his SA taken care of, hopefully get it all sorted out within the next few cycles. 

I’m pushing vitamins on him now and sending him tons of nutrient-dense snacks for work. I just assumed for so long that it was probably me – there are so many more problems that could arise in my body. But, back to the shame…

I think the biggest shame in infertility is seeing everyone get pregnant, then getting a million-and-one, “When are you going to get started?” Both of my SILs have given birth within the last year. My husband and I are the last kids on both sides to be childless. So, you can imagine. 

I hope for everyone in this thread that they get their BFPs very soon. No one should ever have to go through months and months and months of disappointment like this. When you get to the point that sex has become a mechanical chore, or that you have no hope of seeing a positive the next cycle, it’s been too long. 

Post # 19
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@jny1179:  Is this guy for real? He and his wife “struggled” for a whole 14 months before she got pregnant and he actually thinks that amounts to epic suffering? He must be leading quite the charmed life. 

 

Post # 20
Member
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@Zhabeego:  If you’re not trying to conceive, you really don’t know how it feels to keep trying without sucess. Specially if they were having timed sex during her fertile window, with no success. It’s easy to judge and dismiss it when you’re not in that situation and feel the pain. If you read the article, it states that they have been trying for baby #2 for 2 years.

We have been trying for 6 cycles and to you and many people that may not be much time, but we’ve had 3 early losses during that time and I’m probably having another one this cycle. Every month I feel like a failure, specially when I hear of friends getting pregnant right away. Trying to conceive can be a very emotional ride and it can take a toll in a relationship. Try to have some empathy, the women posting on this board are struggling with this, and your comment is dismissive of their pain.

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@jny1179:  Thank you for posting this, it doesn’t apply to me about the long wait, but it does in a way, the feeling of failure, the sadness every time I lose a pregnancy, it’s hard and every month I feel defeated and sad. I’m really sorry it has taken you so long and I really hope you get your BFP soon. FX this will be your cycle!

Post # 21
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

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@Turtle83:  Very well put.

I hope you get your rainbow baby soon…I’m so sorry for your loses.

 

Post # 22
Member
1564 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@jny1179:  Aww hun. I’m so sorry. Lots and lots of hugs to you!! 

Post # 23
Member
781 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@jny1179:  sorry to see you struggling 🙁 I am on my 15th cycle TTC so I feel your pain. Come on over and join the 1+ board, it’s full of a ton of great supportive women.

Post # 24
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m going on 3 years and at 43, my chances are slim. We’ve done 5 IUI, many medicated and 2 IVF’s. Cant afford another IVF, so it’s off to Donor Egg, but we wait until we save the $$ for it. 

There is so much heartache that you cant put into words. Imagine your child and never being able to meet them. My heartbreaks a little more every time AF arrives. At some point you are just so exhusted from all the hope, that you just dont hope any more. 

It just shouldnt be this hard or expensive to have a child…

Post # 25
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@Turtle83:  And thank you for that!  You said it much more eloquently than I could. 

And as a general thing to add, it bothers me that women so often feel the need to explain why they’re upset about not getting pregnant.  It’s another type of shaming that I wish would go away.  It doesn’t matter if it’s one cycle or 20 or more.  Maybe that one-cycle person just had a death in the family and they were desperate for a sense of healing.  Maybe they thought they’d be a mom at 23 and now they’re 32 and are always sad about it.  Maybe there is no reason but they’re heartbroken.  Isn’t the heartbroken part the important part?  Shouldn’t we all be reaching out and comforting?  Rather than telling someone why they should suck it up and move on?  I feel like that’s why so many posts on TTC boards (not just this one but lots of them) start with “I know I shouldn’t be upset yet..” or “I’ve only been doing this for x cycles but…”.  I always get sad when I see that.  Hell, I’ve done it.  I get why you do it (or at least why I do it).  You afraid of offending the person who HAS been trying for years.  And you don’t want to bring on the wrath of people who say ‘what are you complaining about?’ so you try the preemptive strike maneuver (“I know I shouldn’t feel this way but…”).  It’s bad enough that we have mothers and inlaws and sisters and coworkers giving us all the reasons in the world why we shouldn’t feel the way we do or telling us the things we should change as if it’s obviously all our fault… It just makes me sad that lots of women don’t seem to feel like they’re allowed to feel…well, however they actually feel during this process. 

Ok, that was scattered – clearly my head’s a million places at once but I hope some of that comes through somewhat intelligently. 

Short version: I feel like lots of people feel it’s their place to decide whether or not it’s appropriate for someone who’s trying to get pregnant to feel how they do. And that sucks.

Post # 26
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

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@GearBride:  This is a really good point. I was very depressed around my 4th cycle, because I was very sure that I wasn’t ovulating. And I was right. The amount of cycles really isn’t always the issue.

 

Post # 27
Member
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@GearBride:  You’re so right! I feel really sad after 6 cycles trying and 4 chemical pregnancies, but I also feel like I shouldn’t feel this way, since it’s not that long and all these losses were at 5 weeks,and I can’t compare my pain to others that have strugged more, so I feel like I have to justify my feelings…. Thank you for your post!

Post # 28
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

[comment moderated for criticizing others’ choices]

Post # 29
Member
1334 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo

That really hit home. Thank you for posting this. Sometimes I forget that there are people who understand what it feels like without me having to explain it to them.

I am on my 11th cycle as of 2 days ago. DH and I both have problems which contribute to infertility, so it’s both our “fault”.

 

thank you and good luck. I hope you’ll have some good news soon. xxx

xxxxxxx

 

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@Zhabeego:  it doesn’t matter how long he and his wife tried. knowing there’s a problem and that it’s unlikely you’ll get pregnant no matter how much to try to control the situation….it’s heartbreaking and terrifying to know that your most important goal in life might not come true…even if that heartbreak and fear is just felt for a second, it’s awful, let alone feeling it for months and years. What isn’t painful to you might be hell to others. Please try to understand.

 

 

 

Post # 30
Member
4150 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@jny1179:  I’m so sorry.  I’m right there with you, on our 18th or 19th cycle (I start to lose count).  I know this is such a difficult journey.  I hope you get your sticky baby in the very, very near future.  Sending positive thoughts your way.  xox

 

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@MrsPanda99:  You don’t know how you’ll handle anything, especially TTC, until you’re in the situation.  Posting on this thread that “Epic suffering is watching my dad die, not having sex” is incredibly insensitive to those of us who have suffered through this process.  And if you think it’s just about “having sex,” you will be surprised if you do choose to TTC what it actually entails emotionally.  That’s great that you *plan* not to suffer through it.  However, your comment isn’t really contributing to the otherwise supportive environment of this thread. 

 

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@Adams_bee:  
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@lindsayandchris09:  
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@KoiKove:  I’m sorry for the struggles that each of you has gone through.  Thanks for sharing your stories.  This process is incredibly emotionally taxing but I truly believe it makes each of us a stronger woman for having gone through it.  I hope each of you gets your sticky BFP in the very near future!  

 

 

Post # 31
Member
3696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@MrsPanda99:  If epic suffering is not having sex – 1) you are letting your vagina dictate your happiness and 2) why are on the TTC boards if you clearly don’t want kids to ruin your sex life?  That has to be one of the most insensitive things I’ve ever read. 

Everyone else, I hope you find comfort in your partners and get your miracle babies soon. 

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