(Closed) The Dreaded “And Guest” Plus a question

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: How well did these invitations address etiquette?
    In my book, the invitations and wedding are perfectly sound etiquette-wise : (5 votes)
    18 %
    Maybe a few details would have made their invitations/wedding plan a bit more appropriate : (15 votes)
    54 %
    This is pretty much an etiquette train wreck : (8 votes)
    29 %
    Other (feel free to explain) : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    3720 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I would cut her slack and whine about it to people who care- like us bees. She probably didn’t know any better. My aunt had no clue why I would invite her bf of 5 years by name, she honestly thought it was proper to give a plus one.

    As far as summer formal– suits and cocktail dresses, bright colors are okay. But fake dress codes drive me nuts too!

    Post # 4
    7561 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    Haha “summer formal?” I have this theory that as soon as a woman puts a ring on a finger, she thinks she can start using nonsensical words. 

    Examples: “No! That dress is papaya! I NEED watermelon!” “I’m really looking for more of a barn chic kind of look.”

    Post # 6
    3220 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    As opposed to you wearing winter formal wear to a summer wedding? Haha. 

    The “and guest” doesn’t bother me now that I’ve had to make invites myself.  It’s nice to be named but sometimes you just want to crank some invites out instead of going through the trouble of looking up all the date names. 

    Post # 7
    2603 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    You asked, so I’ll give you the etiquette as I know it (I’m NOT Emily Post. But I do check in with her from time to time 🙂

    1. The “and Guest” thing is not the best etiquette, but it’s not the worst. The best would be to call your FH and ask for your name and correct spelling (worst would be to not invite you at all!)….buuuuuutttt as we brides know, sometimes you get a little overwhelmed and overworked with other stuff going on in your life, so in a pinch, “and Guest” is one of those things that gets the slack. Oh well–at least you were invited!

    2. The registry info in invitations is traditionally-speaking, a no-no. Custom-wise, it depends on region. And to counter you, I’m also from Cali (born and raised Angeleno) and no one has included the cards in any of my invites. The bottom line is, if you want to be safe, then don’t include it–list a wedding website and include registry info on the site, or rely on word of mouth. The logic behind not including the registry info, by the way, is that your invitation is an extension of your hospitality and a request for someone’s presence. You don’t want to imply that their presence is conditioned upon receiving a gift and you don’t want the request for their attendance to be “on the same plain” so to speak as requesting a gift. Technically, guests are never required to give you a gift, regardless of whether or not they attend. Posting it on a website is different in the sense that guests have to actively go there and find the information (same thing as calling your folks), which means that they are the ones who are precipitating the act of giving you a gift; versus you requesting one. Again, it’s a rule that’s changing and it varies by social circle, so I’m only giving you the conservative etiquette-book response. 

    3. Dessert receptions are fine, especially if the wedding is late (and 7pm is late). They did the right thing by listing it on the invitation–that’s how people know they shouldn’t expect a full meal and can plan their own meals accordingly. 

    4. I think that I heard somewhere that unless your wedding is white or black tie, you shouldn’t put the attire recommendation on the invitation–I guess becuase it’s presumptuous to tell your guests what to wear. Again, I’ve only heard this second-hand, so I don’t know myself what the “proper” etiquette is. For my taste, though, most attire recommendations are just sort of fussy–and–as snobby as this will sound–sort of like “playing rich” or the socioeconomic equivalent of little girls dressing up in mom’s clothing, if you KWIM. I get that some people like to know these things, but the tags often end up creating more confusion rather than solving it, coupled with the fact that while white and black tie have specific requirements (tails for men, long dresses for women etc.), there’s not many hard-and-fast rules when it comes to “cocktail attire,” aside from “HEY DIPSHIT, LOOK NICE!” And we all know how varied “look nice” is interpreted!

    Case in point: “summer formal” means really nothing to me. I guess, something that looks nice that’s not wool or velvet, LOL??

    Post # 9
    828 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    My fiance and I were invited to a wedding for which we received the invitation precisely one day before the reply by date and I was “and guest” or I presume that I would have been the choosen guest if we had attended. We were already engaged at the time and had been living together for more than four years.

    I keep having to explain to people –my Future Mother-In-Law, Future Father-In-Law, friends who have recently been married –that there is just no way I am willing to write “and Guest” on the invitations to my intimate wedding whether or not they have seen that or used that before.

    Including the registry information or mention of gifts should never be made in the wedding invitation. Miss Manners is as strict as to dislike registries at all, but I happen to think that they are helpful for both the Bride and Groom to be and the gift givers.

    As for the dress code, I wish that there was no need for stating a dress code and it is considered poor form to put any dress code on a wedding ivitation, but if you are having a formal wedding for practicallity you need to tell the guests. You could include a separate card with that information. 

    But as far as “Summer Formal” goes, given that the wedding is at 7pm, I interpret it as meaning that gentlemen are encouraged to wear a white dinner jacket with black tuxedo trousers and black tie (a la Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca) which is considered formal and only appropriate during summer months. Perhaps you may go with a dress of a lighter fabric than say a thick satin or velvet or some ladies prefer short dresses for formal events although I tend to relish the opportunity to wear a long gown. Really, the word “summer” is uneccessary since the date is on the invitation you could have reasoned which season it will be unless it was a helpful reminder that it is taking place in the Southern Hemisphere.

    Of course the most important etiquette of all may be to never openly point out others’ lack of it.

    Post # 10
    828 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Oh, the dessert reception. I happen to love dessert; however, I don’t get the idea of a dessert reception unless you mean a cake and punch style reception in the afternoon. 7 pm is late for a wedding to begin as another poster pointed out; however, if it’s a short ceremony, I would rather have a short cocktails and hors d’ouevres reception and then have a late dinner. But I guess you will probably need to dress and then get the early bird special before the ceremony.

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