- 5 years ago
- Wedding: April 2013
I get that we all have things we are different about and some would think mine are extreme in some circumstances. For religious and self respect reasons I disagree with strip clubs within a relationship, I know others will disagree and I’m hoping to avoid the “You’re freaking out over nothing” type thing because honestly, I’m not freaking out, I’m not mad, I’m hurt.
So my fiance had his bachelor party on Friday. Since we got engaged we both agreed no strip clubs. He brought it up first saying he didn’t want me going to one and I said I wouldn’t if he didn’t. We both agreed to stay out of strip clubs.
The day gets closer and my fiance tells me one of his friends throwing the bachelor party is completely set on going to a strip club. I told my fiance I would not be mad if he went because I understand it’s his bachelor party but it would hurt me and I asked him countless times to please don’t go. He went anyways.
Not only did he go but he was throwing a stack of money at the strippers (when we are broke as it is right now) and he spent 3 hours in the strip club. He would go outside to smoke a cigarette and smoke with the strippers. He didn’t get a lapdance or anything but I told him that I feel like lap dances are cheating and I wouldn’t tolerate that. She he didn’t (and yes I trust him, he is open and honest with me). He also went to another bar where some female bar tender made him take off his shirt, she wrote on his back and beat him with a belt.
Now I’m not mad at him but I am hurt by it. I will get over it and I told him this. I didn’t blow up on him or anything but when he talks about the strip club I get all quiet. It makes me want to throw up and cry. We got into a big argument over this yesterday. He said he didn;t see why I was so upset and that I was over reacting.
IHe got defensive and got mad at me. I told him all I wanted was for him to understand why I was hurt and for him to let me feel the way I felt without making me feel bad about it. I told him I would get over it but needed time for it to not sting so much. He said he could have done much worse and gotten lap dances and done what other guys were doing. I told him if he had I’d have been gone. He said it’s not like he goes all the time and that I was hurt because I was so insecure. I told him “It has nothing to do with being insecure, I deserve better than to be with someone who is constantly oggling other women at strip clubs. He got defensive and said “Well why are you marrying me? Marry someone else if I’m not good enough for you!” which blindsighted me. He thought I was saying I deserved better than him.
Eventually he broke down and said he was so sorry for hurting me and everything eh said, he never wanted to hurt me, he knew I didn’t want him to go and it was selfish for him to go and he was a coward for not telling his friends “no” he knew I was going to be hurt but he just wanted one night where he did it anyways. He apologized over and over again. So everything was fine.
We get home later and somehow it gets brought up again and I asked him “do you think I’m over reacting?” and he said “well yeah kind of”. All I said after that was “Jesus himself said ‘whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.'” and he didn’t say anything.
So now here we are. I still want to vomit thinking about him in that place full of naked women. We aren’t even having sex and waiting until our wedding night, but he’s out and about throwing money at all of these naked girls and getting excited watching them. It breaks my heart to think about it. I feel betrayed. He knew how I felt about it, we’d had countless discussions and I’d asked him countless times not to do it, but he went ahead and did it anyways. I’m not mad about that but I feel like I have a right to be upset over this, over the fact that he chose to hurt me over saying no to his friends, over the fact that despite knowing it would hurt me he went anyways, and I feel sick and saddened thinking about him in that place.
I know some people will think I’m over reacting, I know some people will think “At least he didn’t do worse” I know he’s a good guy and I’ve got a good catch and that it could have been worse had it been anyone else, but I’m with him because I trust him and we both have the same values. He was the first one to mention us not going to the strip club because he didn’t want me to go.
So now here we are and he doesn’t get why I’m so upset and thinks that I’m over reacting. I just want him to understand. I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want to fight over this, I just want him to understand that it hurt me and that I have a right to be hurt, I don’t want him to think I’m some overly sensative woman who freaks out over everything.
Sorry for it being so long, but how can I explain or show him how I feel, I’ve tried saying all of this many times but he doesn’t understand, either that or he doesn’t want to understand because he will see that he caused it.