(Closed) The dreaded cold feet

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

How do YOU feel about things? What spurred your parents to say those things? Is part of your parents issues you getting married and growing away from them? I’ll tell you this, even though I’ been living on my own for years, my dad said it stil kinda made him sad to see me getting married because it was like another step in me not needing them anymore. He was very happy for me, don’t get me wrong, but still a litle sad.

As for the money and condo thing…make sure you understand all what that means for you legally. What if something happed to him after you’re married, would you have rights to the moeny in his account or to the home? I wouldn’t mind keeping things separate, but would insist on my name being on things once we were married. I would want to know I would be covered if there was an emergency.

As long as your comfortable and you know you’re making the choices and decisions you’re good with, then your parents should drop the issue. And I’d let them know that you appreciate their concern, you’ve heard it, but you’re making this decision and you need them to support you unconditionally.

Post # 6
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

well, I think your dad is just worried about you…and sounds like your mom just wants to make sure you keep enjoying the things you enjoy even though you and your Fiance don’t have certaint hings in common. Travel and food…hmm. well, yes, it’s sad when you can’t share things like that, but if he seriously just prefers his meat and potatoes, it’s not about you…and if he doesn’t like to travel alot, compromises can be made. Unless he’s one to gripe and moan alot, I don’t see the problem here. 

As far as the joint bank account…showing trust is a big thing, weither this means he lacks trust, I don’t know. What are his reasons for not wanting a joint account? Some married couples do this because the other way doesn’t work for them…but most have tried it at least.

Post # 8
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It seems to me that YOU’RE unsure. Is that so? Put apart what your parents says and just think about you. What you feel. How your Fiance makes you feel. Is he your guy? Thats what matter. Parents are parents and will look out fir their kids always and anywhere but it’s your life and you need to decide if you want to marry your Fiance. Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Although I’d be a offended that he thinks you’d go on some wild shopping spree without his permission…I don’t see it as a huge red flag. yes, he must trust you…but somehow he got the idea in his head that woman an be irresponsible with money…well, you may have to prove him wrong in time. 

Me and my Fiance starting sharing an account beffore marriage to see if it would work out..so far so good, it’s been about 6 months. We discuss before making most purchases but I don’t have to ask if I need to go get groceries, or tampons…or a cup of coffee…or even lunch with hte girls once and a while. 

But again, lots of marriage couples keep separate accounts because they think it takes much conflict out of the equation, so your Fiance may have totally valid intentions of trying to avoid conflict, especially if he’s a little protective of his earnings…which doesn’t make him a bad person. I’m sure he’s still very generous isn’t he? He probably just likes having control my dear…which I can relate to. I had some anxiety when we first comingled….but it passed in time.

You’ve probably heard this before but cold feet is normal to a degree…everyone gets a little nervious, it’s a big deal to get married, you just have to try and destress, and enjoy this time. Remember why you love him, why you can’t be without him. …why you make such a great couple. If there are big issues that have been left unresolved that would be MUCH worse than a few little ones. 

Just pray…if that isnt’ too trite of me to say. I sure hope I don’t get cold feet but who knows. Who knows how many brides actually admitt to experiencing this!

Post # 11
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Your parents obviously want what’s best for you, but they aren’t in your relationship!

I had very similiar issues. His parents and brother were constantly asking me if I traveled, if we were going to travel, even tried to get us to take a big European honeymoon…It became a joke to us. His brother is a freelance graphic designer and his parents always owned their own businesses, they just can’t comprehend that Darling Husband and I don’t have jobs that allow us to take off weeks at a time. Or that we would prefer to spend our money on other things at the moment. I could tell his parents thought I was holding him back because he wasn’t backpacking through Europe, even though that was never something he was interested in. Honestly the issue faded and hasn’t been brought up again since we told them we were going to New England for our honeymoon and that was that. 

 

I am a huge reader. My family are all big readers. But guess what? Darling Husband is dyslexic and reading is not only difficult for him but he just doesn’t enjoy it. People don’t get divorced because one person likes to read and the other doesn’t. I’m sure he has hobbies of his own that you don’t enjoy and there is nothing wrong with that. 

About two months after our wedding, i wanted to open a joint account. I thought it would make it easier for us to budget and see where we were spending our money, etc. We’d lived together for 3 years and always just split everything, but I never knew how much he had and he never knew how much I had. As long as we both paid our share of the bills, we didn’t ask how the other spent the rest of their money. Well, as we pulled into the bank parking lot, I said “You really don’t want to do this, do you?” And he admitted he didn’t. So we have the same arrangement we’ve had since we first moved in together. It works for us. My mom told me she and my dad didn’t get joint acounts until my mom stopped working when they had children. 

Are you on the same page about things like kids, values, religion? Is he supportive of you? Will he be a good father? Those are the things that would have given me cold feet if I had doubts about him, not if he liked reading or eating exotic food.  

I really hope this helps, it sounds to me like you truly love this guy and are happy with him. 

 

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