Post # 1
I need some clarity on what I know is an undefined-good-friends-but-not-really-but-yes relationship. I met an older man several months ago and we hit it off as friends. He is quiet and reserved (I’m more outgoing) but we have balanced each others energy levels quite well. Somewhere in our “clearly friends” phase, we had a few drinks and ended up kissing each other. We had a talk after the kiss and both agreed that we were good friends and to not let that get in the way of continuing forward, which at that point in time we both genuinely agreed with.
Fast forward a few months… we still make plans to see each other consistently. We’ve hung out with each other’s friends, met coworkers, spent the night at each other’s apartments, etc. We have grown physically closer but everything is still rather innocent. People frequently mistaken us for a couple but we both just smile and continue on.
We both want to spend our lives devoted to a spouse but because we were both hurt deeply in the past, are not quick to jump into anything very serious. On the otherhand, because we desire that lifelong partner, do not naturally do well in the dating scene (as in dating multiple people at one time). I haven’t seen anyone else and I don’t think he has either.
So how about now? He introduced me to his mother but just by name. I personally think the three of us had a great time together but I have no idea of what she knows about me or who she thinks I am.
What is this? We go out with each other often but we’ve never called them “dates”. We aren’t FWB because there is zero boot calling but I know we are attracted to each other. Perhaps I’ve developed more feelings than he has for me. I don’t need to be called his girlfriend but I really do care and am becoming emotionally drained. I would like to at least say that we’re dating, or hell, just be on the same page of whatever “this” is.
Post # 2
You need to sit down and have a talk with him about it straight out. “I’m having a great time with you, I really enjoy spending time together and would like to take this to another level if you would be interested.”
Post # 3
I am of the camp that thinks that nothing will keep a man away from the woman he really wants no matter what (him being too shy, too hurt, etc. – not buying it). I feel like, there is interest there but he’s not that into you enough (enough being the key word here). Alas, I would do what slomotion suggests and have a conversation – that you see him more than just a friend and listen to his response/reaction. If there is any hesitation at all or any talk about ‘well, I really like our friendship’, listen to what he is saying and take it at face value.
Post # 4
I agree with PP. A discussion has to happen. If you are not dating and he only wants to be friends, then you need to distance yourself. You would not want to fall for someone who is not interested in you. In the past, if I was dealing with a man who did not define things, there was a reason. Usually, those situations would totally fall off and I would move on. The only way to know what he thinks is to ask and get a firm answer.
Post # 5
futurexMRS : Talk to him. Tell him you have developed feelings beyond friendship and ask if he has done the same. Then consider what your next step will be. I wish you all the best.
Post # 6
OMG I have been in this situation way too many times. Sorry to be so direct, but you are not dating and it seems like that is very intentional. And you are not really available — physically or emotionally– to other people when you are completely wrapped up in this situation. You can either decide its not enough and distance yourself so that you can focus on dating people who want to date you or have a conversation, tell him where you are at and what you want. But otherwise it seems like this is a time wasting non-relationship that isnt going to be satisfying for very much longer.
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center
How much older is older? How old are you vs. him?
Post # 8
I had this situation happen to me for 6 months. I was living ina different city, but the same characteristics. You need to ask yourself: unless there is a pyhsical or moral reason of why he hasn’t pursued a physical relationship then he’s not interested in a relationship. Sorry to be blunt, but I got caught up in this situation before. A real relationship is where a man wants all aspects with you.
Post # 9
Be open to dating other people and let him see that. His reaction will let you know everything you need to.
Post # 10
This sounds sort of like how Dh and I got together. I was just a few months out of filing for divorce from my abusive exh when I met my now Dh. I was spending time with another guy, as a friend and companion, though he was hoping for more. So I wasn’t totally alone when I met Dh.
We had a lot in common right away. He basically courted me in a very old fashioned way–called by Wednesday for a Friday night dinner date, that kind of thing. But, nothing sexual and no discussions about our status. We did have a heck of a lot of fun, though. We fell into pretty much of a Friday night routine of dinner, my place, wine and play with the dogs till 3 am and he would go home.
After eight months, I was pretty curious, so I basically just asked him–what are we? He had thought we were dating all along. His reticence in making a move was rooted in a combination of shyness, respect for me and understanding that I’d just gotten out of a horrible situation.
After that, things just progressed nicely.
You just have to initiate a dialog about where things stand. I was not surprised, I sensed he had those feelings, but it was time to clarify things.
Post # 11
It’s nothing official until its stated as such. These sorts of arrangements seem to suit men better than it does women, I find. If you want a relationship you need to make this clear, because if he doesn’t, you are wasting your time investing so much energy into this man xo
Post # 12
Looking at your past posts, it looks like you’re still married. Out of curiosity, are you asking because you’re interested in this guy or your relationship with your husband is falling apart?
Post # 13
Interesting to see what pp’s have had to say. It sounds to me like he is interested but maybe his past, and perhaps his age difference is causing him to think twice about how to define his relationship with you. He is definitely holding back but I think that by this point you have to have a serious talk about where you stand with him. You’ve met too many people in his personal life, and it seems like an appropriate time before things go too far.
Post # 14
Thanks for all of the feedback guys. Here is some clarification to what you have asked…
akshali2000 : The age difference is ten years (me mid30s and him mid40s).
lifeisbeeutiful : We’ve had a few instances where other men have approached me during hang out nights. Everything remained respectful but he would always ask what we talked about and what I thought of the other man. I haven’t whipped out a clear “I’m going on a date with so-and-so yet” so we’ll see!
ellsiepig : After discovering multiple affairs from DH’s time away, we have been separated and are filing for divorce. I just hadn’t updated my profile. I’m actually genuinely interested in this guy post-separation/divorce but considering that I’m newly separated and haven’t been in the scene for over 15 years, appreciate the idea of taking things slow. But I do want to know what “it” is!
sassy411 : When I saw your post, I’ll be honest, thought about how similar mine could be to yours. He is aware of the divorce and has been sensitive to my hurt from the affairs. We started as friends with him trying to get me out of the house to clear my head when we started really enjoying each other’s company.
zombeee : I’m curious to see what you think with some of the new information I’ve included in the responses above.
And thank you to everyone for your candid responses. I have heard many times that if a man wants you, he won’t hesitate to make it clear. While I appreciate that he wasn’t just interested in getting in my pants from day one, I do know that what we have right now is no longer enough or right. It is just hard for me because I haven’t dated in today’s world and I don’t have a good idea of what normal is.
Post # 15
Does he have other close female friends? This sounds a bit like my best friend (who is male) and I except that we’ve never kissed/had a romantic moment. Just in that we hang out a lot/talk all the time, have met each others friends (and now have mostly mutual friends) and each others parents etc. But he’s just one of those guys that mainly has female friends. in fact about 90% of his close friends are female.
I think for those of us that haven’t had a lot of opposite sex friends that didn’t eventuatlly try to sleep with us, it’s hard for us to imagine that someone would actually just want to be friends. When we first started hanging out I was a little confused and unsure about whether he actually secretly wanted to date me, but fortunately (in my situation) he didnt’, because we are much better as platonic friends.
But what do you mean by that you have “grown physically closer but everything is still rather innocent”? My friend and I aren’t PHYSICALLY close at all and there isn’t any kind of touchy flirting.