The dreaded undefined relationship

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
10026 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You need to sit down and have a talk with him about it straight out. “I’m having a great time with you, I really enjoy spending time together and would like to take this to another level if you would be interested.”

Post # 3
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

I am of the camp that thinks that nothing will keep a man away from the woman he really wants no matter what (him being too shy, too hurt, etc. – not buying it). I feel like, there is interest there but he’s not that into you enough (enough being the key word here).  Alas, I would do what slomotion suggests and have a conversation – that you see him more than just a friend and listen to his response/reaction. If there is any hesitation at all or any talk about ‘well, I really like our friendship’, listen to what he is saying and take it at face value.

Post # 4
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I agree with PP. A discussion has to happen. If you are not dating and he only wants to be friends, then you need to distance yourself. You would not want to fall for someone who is not interested in you. In the past, if I was dealing with a man who did not define things, there was a reason. Usually, those situations would totally fall off and I would move on. The only way to know what he thinks is to ask and get a firm answer.

Post # 5
Member
4823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

futurexMRS :  Talk to him.  Tell him you have developed feelings beyond friendship and ask if he has done the same.   Then consider what your next step will be.   I wish you all the best.  

Post # 6
Member
13 posts
Newbee

OMG I have been in this situation way too many times. Sorry to be so direct, but you are not dating and it seems like that is very intentional. And you are not really available — physically or emotionally– to other people when you are completely wrapped up in this situation. You can either decide its not enough and distance yourself so that you can focus on dating people who want to date you or have a conversation, tell him where you are at and what you want. But otherwise it seems like this is a time wasting non-relationship that isnt going to be satisfying for very much longer. 

Post # 7
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

How much older is older? How old are you vs. him?

Post # 8
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I had this situation happen to me for 6 months. I was living ina different city, but the same characteristics. You need to ask yourself: unless there is a pyhsical or moral reason of why he hasn’t pursued a physical relationship then he’s not interested in a relationship. Sorry to be blunt, but I got caught up in this situation before. A real relationship is where a man wants all aspects with you. 

Post # 9
Member
4982 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Be open to dating other people and let him see that.  His reaction will let you know everything you need to.

Post # 10
Member
10944 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

This sounds sort of like how Dh and I got together.  I was just a few months out of filing for divorce from my abusive exh when I met my now Dh.  I was spending time with another guy, as a friend and companion, though he was hoping for more.  So I wasn’t totally alone when I met Dh.

We had a lot in common right away.  He basically courted me in a very old fashioned way–called by Wednesday for a Friday night dinner date, that kind of thing.  But, nothing sexual and no discussions about our status.  We did have a heck of a lot of fun, though.  We fell into pretty much of a Friday night routine of dinner, my place, wine and play with the dogs till 3 am and he would go home.

After eight months, I was pretty curious, so I basically just asked him–what are we?  He had thought we were dating all along.  His reticence in making a move was rooted in a combination of shyness, respect for me and understanding that I’d just gotten out of a horrible situation.

After that, things just progressed nicely.

You just have to initiate a dialog about where things stand.  I was not surprised, I sensed he had those feelings, but it was time to clarify things.

Post # 11
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee

It’s nothing official until its stated as such. These sorts of arrangements seem to suit men better than it does women, I find. If you want a relationship you need to make this clear, because if he doesn’t, you are wasting your time investing so much energy into this man xo

Post # 12
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2026

Looking at your past posts, it looks like you’re still married. Out of curiosity, are you asking because you’re interested in this guy or your relationship with your husband is falling apart? 

Post # 13
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

Interesting to see what pp’s have had to say. It sounds to me like he is interested but maybe his past, and perhaps his age difference is causing him to think twice about how to define his relationship with you. He is definitely holding back but I think that by this point you have to have a serious talk about where you stand with him. You’ve met too many people in his personal life, and it seems like an appropriate time before things go too far.

Post # 15
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee

Does he have other close female friends? This sounds a bit like my best friend (who is male) and I except that we’ve never kissed/had a romantic moment. Just in that we hang out a lot/talk all the time, have met each others friends (and now have mostly mutual friends) and each others parents etc. But he’s just one of those guys that mainly has female friends. in fact about 90% of his close friends are female.

I think for those of us that haven’t had a lot of opposite sex friends that didn’t eventuatlly try to sleep with us, it’s hard for us to imagine that someone would actually just want to be friends. When we first started hanging out I was a little confused and unsure about whether he actually secretly wanted to date me, but fortunately (in my situation) he didnt’, because we are much better as platonic friends.

But what do you mean by that you have “grown physically closer but everything is still rather innocent”? My friend and I aren’t PHYSICALLY close at all and there isn’t any kind of touchy flirting. 

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