(Closed) The empowerment of setting a "deadline"

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
33 posts

Hi bee! I’m excited for you for two reasons. One, I think your SO’s “spoiler alert” made it pretty clear that you’ll be his wife at some point in the near future. Second, I can so relate to you because I wanted it all too! I spent the last several years earning my doctorate and building my career, while my SO developed his. He bought a home and the next step is that we want marriage and babies. Keep us updated!

PS:  My SO is also a cat daddy =) and an awesome one at that.

Post # 3
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Sounds like an ultimatum? 

Post # 4
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

I think you did the right thing! I think sometimes the hopeful among us avoid being too explicit for fear of being viewed as desperate or pushy, but at the end of the day we ladies DO have a timeline the fellas don’t. And I think society as a whole is much more forgiving and accepting of single men later in life than single women. All of this often adds up to one party feeling much more pressure to commit than the other, especially when things get comfortable in the security of a long term relationship.

When my now-FI asked me to move to a new country with him, I told him okay – but if I make this big life change for you, I’m expecting a committment within x time or else I’m going back home. He agreed and proposed 6 months after the move.

I don’t like the word ultimatum – it has a bad rep. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to tell someone ‘I want to marry you. It’s fine if you don’t know if you want to marry me. But I need you to figure it out within x amount of time.’ And a year is plenty of time to figure that out – especially after 5 years of dating! Honestly at this point he knows one way or the other, the year is really just the time he has to pull the trigger.

Good for you for stating what you want!

Post # 5
286 posts
Helper bee

This does sound quite encouraging bee. I’m curious to know if you straight up told him your walk date? Or did you just say ‘if it doesn’t happen soon, I’m out’? 

Post # 6
852 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

View original reply
msmeow85 :  I don’t know. I think it’s good that you have made your feelings clear and he knows you want to get married. That being said, I think a deadline is a bit much, and a lot of the reason I say this is that it might taint the experience of your proposal. My Dad was starting to get quite annoyed at my now husband because he hadn’t popped the question in almost 5 years of being together. Friends and other family members were asking as well. It got to me and I started to get a bee in my bonnet about it too, and I find ithe preoccupation overshadowed some of great things about our wonderful relationship and what was actually going on. When he did ask it was so lovely, but in the back of my mind I wished I hadn’t talked about it so much. Of course he was going to ask. I didn’t feel empowered, I felt silly.

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