- 12 years ago
- Wedding: April 2012
It’s been almost a week since the argument that caused my fiance to call off our engagement. For all of you wonderful ladies to responded to the post I wrote in my hyper-emotional state, thank you. You all were an important part in making me feel like it wasn’t the end of my life. Since last week I have come a long way and I’m starting to look on the bright side.
There has definitely been a lot of crying, a little bit of screaming, and a lot of trash talk. At least I got the chance to tell him exactly what I thought of him, I got my things back that were left in his car, and I even got a check for his portion of the rent. My contact from the reception venue agreed to give me my deposit back, and my landlord agreed to drop the price of my rent back to where it was before my ex moved in.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the aspects of his personality that had always bothered me, such as his stubborness, his narcissism, and his self-righteousness. These all added up to make him a very difficult person to get along with. The wedding planning was a perfect example. Many of the decisions were made according to his requirements, such as the ceremony in the Catholic church and the ever-growing guest list from his side of the family. Even my bridal party was to be made up of his friends and family, as I don’t have any close female friends. I was almost absorbed into his world and nearly lost myself in the process.
I’ve also thought a lot about my role in causing the fight that ended it all. From the time we got engaged until now, my levels of anxiety and feelings of depression had become overwhelming at times. Perhaps I was picking fights with him to give myself an excuse to get out, because I knew deep down I would be unhappy. On the surface, I felt loved and had the companionship I craved, but at what price? I realize now that I need to learn to be truly comfortable with myself and proud of my identity before I can make a lifetime commitment to someone. Our love was intense, and at times it was wonderful, but other times it was just going through the motions. During the really bad times, he was hurtful and critical, and I was angry and resentful. I am truly glad that this happened now instead of after we married and had children.
I spent the weekend visiting with my family, getting a massage, and getting a new super-cute short haircut. When I arrived home yesterday, I was approached by the 8-year-old boy who lives across the street from me. "Would you be (ex-fiance’s) friend if he asked you to?" he asked me. "He was praying for you at church today," he continued. This kid doesn’t have a father and had taken a shine to my ex. He would often come to the door to ask him to come out and play. My ex even gave him an old skateboard a few weeks ago.
I immediately suspected that my ex had been around my neighborhood that day and tried to get the kid to talk to me for him. It seemed odd, since HE left ME and told me he never wanted to speak to me, but truthfully I wasn’t very surprised. I called my ex to find out what was going on, and apparently he had taken the kid skateboarding and then to church yesterday morning. I asked him to leave me alone and stay away from my neighborhood (he now lives 20 minutes away at his brother’s place), but he insists that he can be friends with whoever he wants (an 8-year-old?!) and that he can go wherever he wants if he’s not on my property.
This is exactly what I expected him to do, but I never thought he’d involve the feelings of a little boy. It’s clear that he’s trying to make himself look like a saint and paint me as the bad guy in front of my neighbors, even though it’s none of their business. He’s just now realizing that he regrets what he did and he’s doing anything he can stay involved with me. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to get back together with me before the end of the week. I just need to be strong so that I can resist it this time. There is no going back now. Like many of you said, I believe I’ll find that right person someday.