(Closed) The end of the fairytale

posted 12 years ago in Beehive
Post # 17
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2007

1. Acknowledge that you’re being defensive of your ex-fiance. Yes, he was honest and broke off the engagement. However, it sounds like he could have broached this subject months ago, no? 

2. Cupcake is right, ex-f cannot approprirately care for pup on the road = so puppy comes with you!

3. Sit down with ex-f and discuss future living arrangements, how you plan to tell your family/friends, cancel vendors, etc. Make an appointment to dicuss follow-up issues (i.e., if any deposits are refundable, who gets that cash?)

4. Do not have breakup sex. Too painful as a previous poster stated.

5. This may sound silly, but try to remember some negative stuff about him/your relationship. During my divorce I had the hardest time thinking of negative stuff – therefore exH somewhat stayed on a pedastel in my little mind. 

6. Call Mom. Your mother will embrace her child with open arms and heart. Tell her you and ex-f have already began discussing next steps. Tell her you may want to come home to live for 6-9 months (with pup) to get your life back in order, being in a comforting, warm environment may be just what you need to help you get your emotions and life back on track.

7. Yes, this will be hard, very hard. I’ve been through a divorce where we had separated three times! Finally we were mature enough to realize, no matter how much we thought we loved each other, that we simply weren’t the right ppl for each other. And guess what? My parents weren’t completely supportive of the marriage from day one – someone our parents (usually) just know. They’re kinda magic like that! They however did not judge, they told me how much they loved me, etc…

Now I’m newly-married to a wonderful, mature and infinitely kind man who makes my every day. I truly believe there is more than one person out there for each of us. I, as you will be when the time is right, was lucky to find this next person.

 

Last but not least, I’m sorry you are going through this. It is an extremely difficult time – my heart goes out to you! Good luck talking to your mother and remember tomorrow is another day.

Post # 18
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

For the original poster:   Your post reminds me of my own situation, down to our respective ex-fiance’s names (mine is also named Chris, believe it or not).  We had been dating for almost 7 years, planned to get married this May.  Ex-F started to have serious doubts about our compatibility in late November: he’s more of a traditional type, expects wife to assume most of the responsibility for raising kids, man’s career comes first, etc.  I’m more like your ex-f.  I love what I do, and honestly consider it my calling.  Jobs in my line of work are extremely hard to come by, let alone great jobs.  I was fortunate enough to get a great job.  Unfortunately, it’s in a city where there aren’t many good opportunities for my ambitious ex-f. 

Over the holidays, ex-F came to visit me in order to talk about his doubts.  I did my best to calm his fears; e.g., different arrangements for child care, promises to commute, promises to relocate in a city of his choice (a huge sacrifice on my part given the aforementioned difficulty of finding *a* job in my field let alone a good job), the whole nine yards.  Ex-F couldn’t trust me on this.  In all fairness, I have been very vocal about never wanting to be a stay-at-homer.  I was very ambivalent about the idea of having kids in the first place, an attitude that gradually changed over the years. But I loved — and still love — my ex-f so I made all the promises I sincerely believed I could keep. After all, what is marriage without compromise?  Wasn’t enough.  From what initially began as a voicing of "doubts" soon devolved into expressions of "I can’t get married this May," "I don’t want to clip your wings," "maybe I’m not ready to get married at all," and "I think we should break up."   The funny thing: his pulling away was directly propotionate to my attempts to reassure him.  

By the end of December I was reduced to crying and pleading with him to give me a chance.  Realmente triste.  After consulting with my mother and a very good friend, I realized that there was nothing left to do but depart with dignity.  Making contact was only going to drive him further away. So I heeded his words and called off the wedding quietly. I also cut off all contact with my ex-f.  At least for 30 days, or until I can think about him without wanting to cry for hours and hours. 

It has been incredibly hard.  I still cry myself to sleep.  Yet going cold turkey, so to speak, has been tremendously helpful.  My self-esteem had been at an all-time low during our last conversation about a week ago.  Then, my ex-f actually weighed the pros and cons of being with me, as if he was deciding whether to buy me.  He reaffirmed his love for me, but that’s what it felt like.  And of course, I was there, begging him to go through with the deal.  Now, with the support of friends and family, I am at least able to focus on the tasks that demand my attention.  Also on the front burner is some critical soul-searching: I am also trying to focus on the countless parts of my very human (read: imperfect) character which need fixing.  To be honest, I still hope that my ex-F and I will get back together.  This is likely a pipe dream, but at this stage, I have hope left.  I’m stupid like that.

I write this to let you know that you are not alone.  And that not contacting your ex AT ALL will do wonders for your state of being.   Even if there are important matters you need to settle, get a friend or go-between.  It’s just too painful to settle things in a rational manner now. Also, I can’t stress how helpful it is to have a trusted friend you can call when you’re dying to call your ex.  The worst has passed — even for me, who is often gripped with feelings of despair and shame, feelings made all the more intense by my cultural background that frowns upon thirtysomething unmarried women — I sincerely feel that there is nowhere to go but up.  

Post # 19
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2007

OMG voxdeae, my exH wrote out a Pro/con list right in front of me! I sounds like you are standing very solidly on your own two feet now. Good for you!

Post # 20
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Oh smartl – I think the girls have given you solid great advice already.  Just wanted to give you a virtual {HUG} and tell you that it will all work out in the end. 

I love the card idea – and people, including you rmom, should be sensitive to you at this time.  I had a situation where I was with my ex for 6 yrs (had two dogs together) and a mom that kept telling me I shouldn’t stay with him either. When I fnally broke it off, she was quite sensitive [more than I ever expected].  And I will tell you what she told me on a day I was very sad "You haven’t met your soulmate YET"  and you know what – that comforted me immensely.  And now I have my soulmate.  Very happy.  That will happen for you one day.  And take the dog by all means – he can’t take care of a dog with the lifestyle and priorities he wants.

 

Best of luck.

Post # 21
Member
32 posts
Newbee

I read about this web site and book written by a woman who broke off her engagement. She talked to a ton of women who had their fiances call off the engagement or had called off the engagement themselves. Perhaps these will provide some support for you. Best wishes. While it’s very tough to deal with, it’s so much better to have a broken engagement than to have a divorce later. http://www.theregoesthebride.com/

Post # 23
Member
32 posts
Newbee

If you have joint custody of the dog, which might or might not be good for the dog and Chris, you and Chris will have to see each other again every time there is an "exchange" of the dog between its two parents. And you will have coordinate these exchanges and exactly who has the dog when. It’s just like having joint custody of a child, really.

Post # 24
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Honestly, I would be more worried about <span class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-style: italic”>you having to see him every exchange of the dog. I come from a previous broken engagement as well, and we thought that we could keep in touch and stay friends. It would have worked but neither of us was able to move on until we just cut off communication.

Dogs are great in that they completely live in the moment  I know that this sounds harsh…but I really dont think that the dog will notice.  If you are really concerned about the dogs health after the split I would talk to a trainer or behavioralist.  From my experience with my dogs they are extremely resilient and won’t dwell on things unless we make them.

My advice is to focus on you right now and just enjoy your doggy. I know it’s a sucky position to be in, but I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, it will get better with time.

Post # 25
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

I’m so sorry to hear of the ordeal you’re going through. It’s rough, even without the dog issue.
 
Regarding your dog – Cesar Millan("the dog whisperer") who knows dogs and people better than anyone,  always says that dogs do grieve, but they do move on with their life. That’s the way to look at it from the dog’s point of view. Yes, she might go through a period of sadness after separating from your ex, but she will move on.  Cesar insists that dogs don’t see things like we do, they are NOT humans even though we tend to "humanize them". Visitation rights are only for human children, it is not the same with dogs.. I would not worry about her right now, actually, you have enough on your plate. Just keep her for yourself, it’ll be best for her. Life on the road with a band is no place for a dog. Try to continue the same routine for her as before, she’ll be just fine, you’ll see.  we can learn so much from our dogs, truly amazing animals that they are.
Best of luck! 

Post # 26
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

It would be best for the both of you (you and the dog) that only one of you keeps her. Each time you see your ex for pup exchanges, it will be difficult for you and your dog will be able to sense your anxiety.
Doing so will only extend her anxiety and mourning as she will be going from home to home with no true routine. And routine & stability are important to canines. I have two dogs and let me tell you, which I’m sure you know, when their routine is all screwed up, they act out- chewing on furniture (they have eaten a two couches and one chair between the two of them), remote controls, shoes, pee on my bedroom rug at the foot of my bed, you get the point.
Also, like I said before he’s being nice now, but possession is 9/10 of the law and if he decides he doesn’t want to give her back at one point in the visitation, he could take off with her.
I know I come off like "take the dog and run" but I love my dogs so much that I told my FH that I wanted the dogs put in our pre-nup and I refused to marry him unless I got the dogs in the agreement. He was shocked. But I stood my ground and well, got my way. YES, I’m aware this is neurotic, but I’m a prepare for the worst hope for the best kind of gal. Always been.

Post # 27
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Hi! I feel for you, as it is a difficult position to be in!  I hope I’m not insensitive to other people involved when I say that you shouldn’t worry about anyone else right now!  You’re being really considerate to your ex and the puppy when it is you who is hurting and need your consideration.  I think its so sweet and wonderful of you to want to make it easy on everyone at this time, but give yourself the time to heal.  Best of luck and it sounds like you know your true path at this time.  Good for you!

Post # 28
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m new here and just got engaged and this is my first post, but I wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about what you are going through.

 My man and i have been together 7yrs, he’s a former musician that’s traveled the world and we did the whole long distance pseudo-rockstar lifestyle. From  what you wrote I have to say, he is being very selfish and I can tell you that if his band and music career does not work out…. he will most likely be on your doorstep begging for you to have another go at it with him. That choice is yours, though I advise strongly against it. It’s easy for guys to get carried away just because they garner a little press or have big label interest. 9 times out of 10 though, I can tell you, it doesn’t pan out. And even if it does, he will be on the road and the touring musician life is one of THE LONELIEST LIFESTYLES on the planet.

 Really from what you wrote, this seems to be a blessing in disguise. I mean, THANK GOD you did not marry him and THEN get hit with this after spending all the money. You hold your head up high girl. This was totally his loss, not yours. I would say that since he broke it off with you, he should be the one to leave, but I understand that financially that may not be possible. As far as the dog, if he goes on tour there is no way in hell that he can have a dog. just wont happen. Keep the dog, this was again his decision to break up the family unit. Bravo though to you for standing true to what you need and not caving in to being a tour girl or anything like that when it’s not your calling.

Post # 29
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

*Hugs*

Here is the Web site for the "called it off" card that a few others have mentioned. http://www.otherannouncements.com/cards.html It looks like they are discontinung service, but it gives you some ideas on how to address things with a lil’ bit of humor.

My thoughts are with you! Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

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