Post # 1
Member
28 posts
Newbee
This is very long! Thanks in advance for taking the time to read it!
I work on a llama farm. I am a llama trainer, working on a very specific team (let’s say ballet dancing llamas), and I have many people who support me within this team. I’m trying to decide who to invite to my wedding based on who I feel close to and also wanting to avoid offending anyone. For context, I’ve been here about 2 years, and I plan to be here for many more. I love my job and my coworkers are wonderful but we mostly have warm, collegial, supportive relationships that don’t extend beyond the workplace.
The rule of inviting in “circles” makes sense to me but it’s hard to figure out how to execute that in this setting. Also for everyone I would invite I’m also inviting their SOs.
I’m going to list each dilemma sequentially that I need help deciding on:
- There are two other llama trainers I feel close to that I’ve hung out with outside of work a few times. They’re not on my specific team, so it feels like a very low stakes invitation (no one would be surprised I invited a few other trainers not all 50 who work here).
TL;DR I will probably invite these other trainers.
- There are two members of my team who support me (technically lower on the org chart), llama feeder and a llama groomer (April and Andy) that I feel really close to. Due to living far apart and a large age difference we’re not close outside of work but they’ve really made me feel cared for in my time here. However there is a second llama feeder and a second llama groomer (Jon Ralpheo and Ben) I actually work with more frequently but do not feel the same closeness to.
TL;DR I would like to invite April and Andy and not invite Jon Ralpheo and Ben despite their similar roles in relation to me.
- There is another trainer on my team who is also my direct supervisor (Leslie), as well as another head trainer who is Leslie’s supervisor (Ron). I don’t socialize with Leslie and Ron outside of the office, but they have been incredible mentors to me and I am really grateful to them for their support. The trainer on the ballet team, Anne, is my direct co-worker but we aren’t particularly close nor do I see us becoming so. I am also afraid inviting my boss and my grand boss would come off as “brown nosing”.
TL;DR I would like to invite my supervisor Lesie and her supervisor Ron but not invite my direct co-worker Anne.
- Finally, my direct supervisor Leslie works closely with Chris and Sebastian (they are llama farm administrators). I do not have a close personal or professional relationship with Chris and Sebastian (their work is just very different than mine) but they would know if I invited Leslie and I’m afraid this would be perceived as rude. Chris did not invite me to his wedding that occurred 6 months after I began here, if that matters.
TL;DR I do not want to invite my admin staff Chris and Sebastian despite inviting my direct supervisor who works closely with them
- Finally there are a lot of awesome llama costume makers, photographers, make up artists ect who do amazing work, many of whom I am friendly with. However no one is a particularly close friend and I feel like inviting just one of these tangentially related folks would require inviting them all, so I think I’m not going to invite any of the rest of my team members.
Post # 2
Member
508 posts
Busy bee
I’d say invite the first two trainers that you’ve hung out with outisde of work, as well as April and Andy. If you don’t feel close with someone, they likely feel the same about you and probably don’t expect to be invited. The boss and grandboss is a finer line, and I don’t know if you have to invite them since you don’t socialize with them outside of work. That one would be up in the air for me.
Post # 3
Member
28 posts
Newbee
nightskyforest : Thank you for your response! So appreciated. I actually would love to invite my boss and grandboss because I really appreciate them for all their support…but I’m not sure if that’s a weird reason to invite someone to a wedding! They both regularly ask for updates on how it’s going which is kind.
Post # 4
Member
3049 posts
Sugar bee
If the ones you are closest with are still only on the “we’ve hung out a few times outside work” level, do you really need to invite them at all?
Obviously, this is a very personal decision and I don’t know how much these people really mean to you, but for myself personally, I will not be inviting any coworkers – not even my favourite ones who I do actually hang out with once in a while.
I think the important question to ask is this: if you no longer work together three years from now, do you think you’d still hang out? If the answer is no, I wouldn’t bother having them at the wedding because you’re not really *friends*.. just friendly colleagues.
As for inviting in circles – I get that theory to some extent, but I also don’t think it needs to be applied as a hard and fast rule. Just because you invite one cousin that you are actually super close with doesn’t mean you have to invite your other cousin that you haven’t seen since you were 15. With coworkers, just because you invite one or two who you have an outside-of-work relationship with, doesn’t mean you need to invite your entire workplace or everyone else who works in the same team or level as they do.
Post # 5
Member
508 posts
Busy bee
radnurse : Definitely not a weird reason to invite! But you mentioned being worried it would be seen as brownnosing? At my company it wouldn’t be seen as brownnosing, and I know coworkers who have both invited their boss and not invited their boss, to their weddings.
Post # 6
Member
28 posts
Newbee
sboom : That’s a really really interesting point. Thank you for putting in that context. I think to some extent I want to have some greater connection with my co-workers, it’s really something I miss. We work in an incredibly demanding field that is emotionally traumatizing and draining in intense ways, I think the more I can cultivate companionship the happier I’ll be here. Everyone on my team has worked together for 10+ years, I replaced someone who had been here for 12 years and I’m the newbie. I would love to get to the point of seeing them after I leave this job, and I guess I see this as a way of inviting them into my life more (and treating them to a great meal/party)! But I will mediate on this further, you’ve given me great food for thought.
Post # 7
Member
28 posts
Newbee
nightskyforest : Oh anxiety, the gift that keeps on giving. It’s also a weird anxiety because as a llama trainer I’m kind of at the top of the org chart, as an Individual Contributer, the only other option would be going into managment which I’m not interested in. It’s not like sucking up to my bosses would result in a pay raise (union shop), or some other perk (I already get all the perks). Thanks for helping me see that!
Post # 8
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
I say you should invite the people you want to invite — just keep it professional by not discussing the wedding/wedding-related things in the office and redirecting any of those people if they happen to bring things up. It doesn’t sound like the people you don’t plan to invite would be expecting an invitation anyway.
And nice use of the Parks&Rec references 🙂
Post # 9
Member
28 posts
Newbee
ela0919 : Thanks! I’m pretty good about not bringing it up (aside from using my lunch break to plan!) but it’s a common topic of conversation raised by my co-workers, they’re really kind and supportive and excited for me which is what makes me want to invite at least some!