(Closed) the f#$^ kitchen is always dirty

posted 8 years ago in Home
Post # 17
2108 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

“he goes telling me that I am part of thier family now and how it seems lke im walking on egg shells to make everyone happy but not feeling comfortable. and that I should feel this is my home.”

There. Use that statement to defend yourself. You’re walking on eggshells because everyone is manipulating you into being the housekeeper! Tell him you are not comfortable with the way things work right now because you’re taken advantage of. Surgery 7 months ago on her hand? She’s fine. Sorry if that seems blunt/insensitive, but even if that hand is still hurting, she has two working feet and another hand. Your husband is being flat out manipulative and I wouldn’t take it from him- he is NOT on your side right now. Let him know how hurt you’re feeling that he is treating you this way. Be firm. 

You need to sit down and tell your husband that you need to spend more of your time studying. Tell him you are more than happy to HELP around the house (and yes, I agree with you that this is your MIL’s house, your DH is saying it’s yours to manipulate into doing way more than your fair share), but that your schoolwork is really important. Clean up you and your DH’s messes entirely, as well as some of your MIL’s. Honestly, I wouldn’t clean any of you SIL’s stuff if she is being that lazy. Then, you need to sit down with your Mother-In-Law and SIL and have a discussion with them and define who will be doing what around the house. Give everyone chores that they are responsible for, and then expect them to do them.

I would also make it clear to DH that you do not want to live in a home where you feel taken advantage of. This gives him two options. 1. He can change his mindset and realize that you are helping his mom out, not the other way around, therefore making you feel less taken advantage of. or 2. Y’all can move out. 

I absolutely would not put up with this behavior. Your SIL sounds lazy, your Mother-In-Law is making excuses, and your DH is siding against you. You are married, you’re supposed to be a team. He needs to start acting like you’re on the same team.

Again, I am SO sorry you’re dealing with this. My mom and dad lived with my dad’s sister when they were first married, and she did similar things. Eventually, my mom got so upset, she told my dad she was moving out, he could come if he wanted tom but she was going regardless. That taught my dad QUICKLY that he and my mom needed to present themselves as a united front and they both needed to stand up for each other. They moved out and the experience/fight strengthened their relationship tenfold. However, they let tensions build up between my mom and aunt for so long, it took quite a while for their relationship to return to normal. I’d urge you to settle the situation or get out quickly so that to lasting harm is done to your relationship with your MIL/SIL.

Post # 19
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

If you truly don’t have time right now, put it off.  If they ask list off the things you needed to do and remind them that you would appreciate a little help here and there with cleaning up and making dinner since you have things you need to do as well.  They’re used to you cleaning now so they expect it and it sounds like they don’t appreciate it; that is something valid you can discuss with your husband.  You don’t mind pitching and cleaning but it’s not fair to have to do every time.

Post # 20
5427 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
@Mrsgurzakovic:   but I dont wanna come off as selfish 

You have no choice but to be selfish at this point…  these things need to get done and are necessary for your education/career! If dinner isn’t made by the time you are hungry, because the dishes aren’t done, order dinner in for you and your hubby only.

Post # 21
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

As I said before, I wouldn’t put up with your husband’s behavior. Seems like he cares more about his mom, than you. I also wouldn’t put up with a messy kitchen. Everybody needs to contribute/clean…you treat people how to treat you. And they are all walking all over you, taking advantage. It is up to you to put your foot down. I could not live in that type of environment.

Post # 22
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

The easiest solution may be for everyone to kick in an equal share and hire a maid/cleaner to do a deep clean on the kitchen or even the entire house, once a week.  By actually putting money up, people get a little more respect for the work that goes into keeping a house nice and tidy, plus the heavy cleaning gets done so it’s easier to maintain it, and no one is turning into a kitchen slave.  I like that idea better than the rotating chores list because the chores list seems a little silly to force on adults– it works for a group house when you’re barely past being a teenager, but doesn’t work with adult family members (even though, in theory, adults should be better able to understand that everyone has to contribute to keeping things in order).

It may be that the simple suggestion that you as a group pay someone to clean up after you would be enough to get people to all do their part.

Post # 23
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

View original reply
@Mrsgurzakovic:  Your Mother-In-Law and SIL do their thing everyday so go do your stuff. Assignments and resumes have deadlines cleaning a kitchen does not. Plus if you don’t clean it maybe they will get an idea of how much mess they cause daily.

Post # 24
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Leave their mess alone and go do your stuff. Leave their mess, period.

I’m confused about your living situation… if this is your house, tell them to clean it up. If it’s their house, I think you and your Fiance need to move out as soon as possible. And not worry about it. If they get roaches or rats, not your problem.

Post # 25
3261 posts
Sugar bee

Don’t clean it, simple as that. You’re not their maid. Sure, once in a while it would be a nice sentiment, but it seems at this point you’re probably being taken advantage of. Clean up after yourself and your husband, and that’s that.

Post # 26
1476 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It’s a just putting things back where they belong. It’s RESPECT. Your DH should talk to them. You’re not their maid.

Post # 27
161 posts
Blushing bee

Think of it from their perspective: why change if we don’t have to?


They aren’t going to clean up after themselves until they are MADE to do so. As things go now, they make a mess, disappear, come back to the kitchen and VOILA! the mess is gone. Let them sit in their filth a few days. It will be good for them. I’m the type of person that would take a picture of the kitchen with my iPhone every morning before I cleaned it up and then I would leave it dirty for a few days WAITING for someone to ask me why I didn’t clean it up–then BAM! out come the pictures and the opportunity to prove my point. But hey, that’s just me. Smile

Post # 28
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

You are better than I am.My hubby would be feeling my wrath.His stance is completely inappropriate.Speak up for yourself.

Post # 29
2776 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Did I miss something why do you have to live there in the first place?  The best solution would be to move into your own place.  Unless of course he is going to expect you to clean up after him in the new place too but that is a whole other problem.

I lived in apartment with three guys in college and they left the house in an awful mess. I think they let me move in because they thought it would bother me so much I would always walk around cleaning the stuff.  Instead I would leave the messes there (since its not my mess) and had a really clean room with everything I needed.  They were shocked that it didn’t bother me, they once asked aren’t you going to clean this.  I said nope its not my mess.  I am responsible for my bedroom where I spend all my time.  This is your mess.  

So every other week two of the guys came in and cleaned up the apartment and the guy who was mostly responsible for the mess would sit up in his room and wait when they were done he would call his girlfriend over and say yay I cleaned the place hun come over.  *ugh*

The point of this story is don’t clean sh*t.  Take care of yourself make yourself an area you are responsible for.  If they bother you point out that its not your mess.  It should be simple enough to clean off the cutting board and rinse off a knife!  She needs to grow up!  Who was cleaning the kitchen before you got there?? 

You guys need to have a family meeting you are getting taken advantage of big time.

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