(Closed) The first thing FMIL said was "We can't help you pay for this"

posted 5 years ago in Money
Post # 3
1112 posts
Bumble bee

Wow, I’m sorry. 🙁

I can only imagine how that must feel. Our budget is 5k and both our families have been super supportive of that (my parents are paying). Sometimes my mom gets distressed because she can’t “show off” with a fancy wedding like others, but it all comes down to the fact that a wedding is about LOVE, about the marriage that comes AFTER it. It’s one day!  A special day, yes…but only one! No need to blow all that money.

Congrats on the engagement. I’m sorry about you Future Mother-In-Law. Try to let it slide – you don’t want tension with anyone in this happy period of time.

If you ever want to talk about our similar budgets feel free to PM me. 🙂

Post # 4
4929 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I feel your pain. My Future Father-In-Law said, “Oh… I wasn’t expecting that.” 

It’s been 8 months and he still hasn’t said congratulations. I feel the same way as you about it – like I’m not good enough to marry his son – even though he was the one who told FH that we should get back together. 

Post # 5
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Weddings can really bring out the worst in people!

I’d give her a little bit of time and hopefully she will warm up to the idea, and relax if she doesn’t feel stressed by the financial aspects. Perhaps she had always envisioned throwing her son a big lavish affair and is disappointed she can’t afford it, and that’s what came through. Maybe all the stress is really on her side-

Hope for the best, and happy planning!

Post # 6
1651 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Congratulations on your engagement! I’m so sorry to hear that your Future Mother-In-Law first thought about herself instead of you guys. Maybe she is feeling the sting from the other two weddings and needed a break, but that gave her no excuse to be mindless on the phone with your Fiance. You are MORE than good enough to marry her son, don’t take what she says personally, I think you have a very healthy attitude towards money so keep your head up!

Post # 7
8576 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Pretty much the same thing my own mother told me.. she has yet to say congratulations… [she’s told me I would be paying for my own wedding since I knew marriage existed, no surprise – I guess she felt the need to tell me again].

I’m sorry this happened to you.

Post # 8
31 posts
  • Wedding: September 2013

Maybe she has money worries that keep her awake at night just now and sees everything through that lens? I know it’s disappointing and hurtful, but it’s probably something happening in her own life. 

Post # 9
4656 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@mydeadfriendx:  That was my dad’s first reaction too. It was a bummer… but my parents got cheerier about it as time went on, maybe they will too? (They’re still not dumping money into the wedding, but they’re more enthusiastic about the fact that it’s happening.)

Post # 10
3571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Yay! You’re getting married! So exciting. Don’t even let this bother you. It’s more about her hangups than anything about you. Lots of couples have very expensive weddings, and most power to them if that’s what they want. But you by no means NEED to have a wedding like that. And honestly, most of our parents generations did not have nearly as extravagent weddings as we do now. (And, the cost of a wedding, for the exact same things have gone up like a HUGE amount.) So shmeh!

She might have just been trying to be direct in that she thought that you were planning to ask. Some people are just super awkward that way. It’s a bit frustrating, but try not to let it bother you.

My in laws are beautiful people. They’re very well off, and while we don’t really accept their money, Darling Husband and I have laughed that the only times they try to give us money is when we don’t at all need it. Before we were married (just started dating) Darling Husband went through a really hard rough patch with unemployment, and they didn’t offer to help him at all. He didn’t ask, but still. People just get funny about money sometimes I think. 

Post # 11
2497 posts
Buzzing bee

@mydeadfriendx:  Congratulations on your engagement! And good for you for being financially responsible! I think it’s ridiculous that your Future Mother-In-Law wants you to have an expensive wedding when it’s not her money to spend.

Post # 12
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

My mum said something a bit similar to me too ‘do you know how much a wedding costs?’ when I told her SO had asked for my ring size (not engaged yet) and says we should wait until we’re older (both 22 now) and it was all a bit depressing tbh from what I thought was exciting news. she seems to come around to the idea that SO and I might be getting engaged soon though. 

Post # 13
738 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My Future Mother-In-Law said the same thing. It has definitely hurt my Fiance and I that my parents have put in 5k, we have put in 5k, and his parents got us a cake. And had the nerve to bitch about not enough people from her side on the guest list. They own a liquor store and won’t even help us with the booze. It’s making me mad just typing this. I’m sorry it’s happening to you too 🙁

Post # 14
11233 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Bleh. Congrats on your engagement, hon. My mother hasn’t said ANYTHING about my engagement, and we’ve been engaged for 14 months now. I was expecting that, though, but it still sucks. The only thing I’ve heard from her since we got engaged was a text (6 months after getting engaged) asking me for money, after I’d been laid off for 6 weeks, took a new job with a pay cut, and had a wedding to pay for, on top of our normal bills. Nice.

Post # 15
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My future inlaws gave us £5k and were bitterly dissapointed when they realised that we and my parents would not be adding to that figure, although we would be buying odds and ends and my parents have bought things like my dress. Future Father-In-Law kept saying things like “but how about this *big country house* surely you’d rather get married there”. And when they realised that being on a budget meant that they wouldnt be able to invite 50 odd work colleagues and friends they were not happy.

What hadnt helped is that 10 years ago when FIs sisters got married £5k bought them the works and now £5k is only a 1/5th of an AVERAGE wedding let alone an extravagant one. If I’m honest I feel like we’ve humiliated them and that they are embarressed of us, we’ve robbed them of their chance to show off.

The irritating thing is that I’m 90% sure that after the wedding they won’t stop talking about how fantastic and unique it was, until then I’ll just keep my chin up and ignore it the best I can!

Post # 16
4495 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Thats a shame. If your Future Mother-In-Law just wants to show off…well she had her chance to do that with her own wedding. I have been to a lot of less expensive weddings that I thought were more fun and better executed than some of the pricier ones.

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