Post # 1
Okay- so I’ve been having some difficulty with my SO for a little while now. I’m ready to commit (I’m dying to get to see him each day and spend each night with him and start our life together). Thing is, he’s not. He told me he has goals he needs to accomplish before he proposes. I want to respect this, but at the same time he says it’ll happen in a year (I’m graduating from law school spring 2013 and he says it’ll happen after I take the bar). Due to this deadline and the pseudo-midlife crisis he’s been having since he turned 25, he acts like a single guy and then turns around and expects me to treat him like we’re married. Ex: He wants me to help him decorate his apartment so that when I move in I’ll like it too, then he refuses to split thanksgiving half and half spending part with my family and part with his because he’s “not ready”. I feel stuck, like the 1 year is just a random time and that things won’t change and I won’t get the partner I am looking for in life. I want him to want to spend time with my family and I make concessions so that he can have ample time with his and his friends, etc.
My married/engaged friends have told me of this “flip” when right before or after making the huge commitment the guy starts to act like a husband, making dinner, doing the dishes without having them stack up for a week or being told, etc. I’m worried my SO won’t ever be that guy. He’s been engaged before, so shouldn’t he have flipped? Do guys actually flip?
Post # 3
I’ve never heard of a flip either!! My fiancé attended family gatherings with my family and vice versa long before we were talking marriage though, so I don’t understand why he’s putting so much stock into those events. That’s something that even a normal boyfriend should be ready to do.
Post # 4
I’ve never heard of that before. My DH and I split Christmas and other family gatherings for years before we were even engaged.
We also lived together for 2 years before getting engaged. I was a well accepted part of his family and he was a well accepted part of mine before we got engaged.
Granted we did date for 6 1/2 years before getting engaged and have family vacations together every year (one year with mine, next with his, etc) but aside from living in closer proximity to his family (and therefore spending more time with them) when it came to holidays we were pretty even. Even having a Christmas together with both our families before being engaged.
Post # 5
@dansypants508: I haven’t seen nor heard of a guy “flipping” before the big commitment.
My Fiance and I have been together for over 2 and a half years and since the beginning we were splitting holidays… then, we started merging the families for the holidays (mine only consists of my parents here… he has 3 siblings, his grandma, his parents, and his aunts & uncles plus cousins from Chicago all come too..). So, his mom and dad started inviting us the first year we were together for Thanksgiving… then last year, Christmas.
I guess my way of thinking is, even though you aren’t engaged yet if he takes the relationship seriously he would at least start testing the waters with family functions such as a holiday tradition.
How long have the two of you been together?
I really think it depends on the guy. It kind of sounds like he still wants the party life, but likes having the stability you provide to lean back on. At this point, I don’t know how seriously I would take the time line.
Perhaps it’s time to really talk.. not about getting engaged (because that seems a little too intimidating to him right now). I think you should really sit down with him and ask exactly what he expects in the relationship currently. Then, I would bring up that you would like some compromise to be able to split a holiday this year between the families together. If he says again he’s not ready, ask him what is troubling him about that arrangement.
Good luck.. keep us posted!
Post # 6
I’ve never heard of a flip – but he sounds like he has got himself into a little personal crisis, probably thinks a 1/3rd of his life is now over and wants to achieve his goals all of a sudden.
I would wait it out a bit longer – wait for him to come to his senses. Just expect more when he reaches his mid life crisis!
Post # 7
FWIW, Fiance and I were together nine years before we made an effort to share holidays. But that change came when we realized we were in this to get married. It was a big adjustment for both of us – we each have things we like to do that make the holidays, and I refuse to eat three Thanksgiving meals in one day. We’re still kind of working that whole thing out, tbh.
I do like @Jd64848704
‘s suggestions. Good luck!
Post # 8
I am on board with all of you that never heard of a flip. Guys are what they are.
Mine always came with me to family functions, whether it be a major holiday or just a small birthday. I went with him, too. Sounds like your guy is just having a big crisis, which is common for that age, and needs time to figure himself out. Give it some time, see if he gets over it, and then you’ll know what to do. He should snap out of it soon. I went through a similar crisis this past year and Fiance just sort of hung on and kept his mouth shut. I eventually came to my senses.
Post # 9
Thanks to everyone for all your input. I definitely think waiting is the right thing to do since we’ve been together for 3 years and I could tell when his birthday hit he was really unsettled and has been ever since. I think what I’m going to do is give it a few more months and then ask him to accompany me to a different family holiday sometime in the spring (Easter or Memorial Day- my fam has a huge cookout).
I’m glad to know that this “flip” is a myth, so I can have realistic expectations and take the reigns on my relationship instead of sitting around wondering.
Thanks again everyone!
Post # 10
Good News! He decided on his own to come to my fam’s Thanksgiving (so long as his grandparents don’t come to his families- which I totally understand. They are getting older so he wants to spend as much time with them as possible. But if they don’t come up, he said he would really like to spend some time with my family). Yay!