(Closed) The Future In Laws are testing my patience *long,*

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
4123 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

My Fiance and I have been going through a little bit of parents wants vs our wants as well.  It came down to… It had been a decision WE made TOGETHER.  So, if we bend on something that we wanted for our wedding to appease our parents… at what point does it stop?  Probably not just with our wedding.  It’s your wedding… I think that Fiance needs to learn how to stand up to his parents, especially since they orig. didn’t want to contribute and the only money they want to contribute is for their friends… not for their son and future DIL.  That to me is what really would irk me if I was in your shoes.  Why is spending an extra couple grand for their guests OK when they weren’t OK doing it for their own kid?

 

Post # 4
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

It’s a tough situation, though I don’t find it completely unreasonable.  If this had been the case from the get-go, I would say fine, take the $ just to appease them.  But since you’ve already spend a considerable amount of time figuring out the buffet, I don’t think you should cave on this instance.  Just tell them you’ve already decided on someone for catering, and that’s that. 

In the future if they want to pay for things because they want to, such as the flowers etc, I say just let them.  It might seem snobby to you, but they just want the wedding to be nice, even though it might come across as condescending to you. 

Post # 6
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Remember, this is YOUR wedding, not theirs.  Do it how you want it, and if they don’t think it’ll be good enough for their friends, then they don’t have to invite them.  Sorry, but if you let them get their way with this, then they’ll think they can do it in other aspects of your lives.  Put your foot down now, before its too late. Just cuz they have money does not make them superior to you, and your Fiance needs to stick up for you and not his parents.  Once you two make a decision, he needs to stand by that decision and not waiver if his parents are unhappy.

Post # 7
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I agree tell them you want a more casual feel with a buffet as a way to put your foot down.  The wedding needs to have the feel you want and not what will impress their friends.  I understand how you feel though, decisions are tough for me so when I make one, I don’t want to have to change it. 

Post # 8
Member
350 posts
Helper bee

I am with you 100%!  This is YOUR wedding and YOU are paying for it, so YOU call the shots!  If they think their friends will be embarrassed at your wedding, as someone else said, they dont’ have to invite those people (which has the added benefit of saving you more money!)  Make sure your Fiance is supporting you in this, and that the two of you are presenting a united front.  Just be very forward, ie Look, you guys told us you weren’t contributing financially to the wedding and that we should have the wedding WE could afford.  We have invested a considerable amount of time and resources into doing things on our budget.  As it stands we have already finalized our eating arrangements.   Or whatever.

Post # 9
Member
5761 posts
Bee Keeper

I think if you can’t get past this attitude you have about his parents and THEIR money,you are destined to be miserable in this relationship. While your words are saying one thing,what comes across loud and clear is the resentment you have over the ‘HIS parents have’ and ‘mine don’t’, but we’re willing to pay…It really is none of your business how they spend their money or how many vacations they take a year. I’m sure they’ve earned the right to do as they wish and not apologize to anyone for their choices.

Some of what you said makes no sense to me. If your FIL’s said at the beginning they wouldn’t be contributing, I’m assuming that means they were approached about it? Why then did your Fiance have to tell them how much it might cost at all? What difference would that make?

Post # 10
Member
99 posts
Worker bee

It sounds like you have issues with the future in-laws perhaps run deeper than just the wedding?  This is something you should work out (with your fiance) before you get married.  It could be as simple as deciding on the kind of relationship you want with them and the level of interaction you have with them in your life.

As for the wedding… hey, it’s your wedding.  If you want a buffet, have a buffet.  If they don’t think it’s fancy enough, they can host a party in your honor that’s dripping in ice sculptures and caviar… after the wedding!

Post # 13
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Since you say Fiance and you are wanting to go the buffet route – then stick with it!!  

Since Future Mother-In-Law talked to Fiance about the ‘appropriateness’ of the buffet – Fiance will need to tell her that you two talked to over and the buffet is what made the most sense with the budget and how you two plan to move forward.  End of story.  FMIL will protest, so Fi will need to be strong and stick to his guns.  He should be gracious about it and thank her for her generosity in offering but the wedding will be a buffet (have him state the reasons you mentioned (except maybe the part about your aunt)).

I could TOTALLY see them nitpicking every decision and throwing money at it to ‘upgrade’ so they have the event they want.  DON’T DO IT!!!  It sounds like it’s just the beginning.  But, this is also time for you two to really be on your own and start making decisions as a unit.  Since you mentioned Fiance wanted to get out from under his dad’s ‘thumb’ this is a great way to do it.  If they keep insisting on ‘upgrades’, just tell them that you decided early on in the planning process that this was something you would do together, with the money you had available, and this is the type of wedding you want.  If they don’t/can’t/won’t respect that, there isn’t much you can do – except for keeping their knowledge of the details as quiet as possible until the big day.

Good luck!!

Post # 14
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

Do you think they planned to pay the whole time, but wanted to see how much you were willing to spend.  Rather than give you a lump sum, they wanted to “lower” your expectations?

Post # 16
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

Hmm.  I guess there’s no way you can tell them that you want to just go back to your more limited guest list too, either is there?

It sounds like you’re ready to proceed with FFIL’s financial assistance.  That might be the first step in Fiance getting from under their thumb.  It may just be a way to continue to control him.

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