(Closed) the future in-laws are testing my patience (round 2) (rant and long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

🙁 It sounds like it’s too late for right now — I would call both vendors though and apologize for the meeting. Let them know that it is NOT your Future In-Laws who are making the decision, but YOU. That way they’ll continue to view you as their business contact. Just make a joke about parents being over protective. 

Then, after your Future Mother-In-Law gives you her ‘decision’ I would be like, “thanks for your input. Fiance and I will talk about it and make a decision.” 

In the future, I suggest not talking wedding too much with her. If she wants to get involved just shrug her off and as charmingly as possible remind her that you want her to enjoy your wedding as a guest, and that you’ll definitely come to her first as soon as you need help with anything. Avoid giving her details about who you’re meeting with, what you’re booking, etc. It’s none of her business if she’s not contributing!

Good luck!

Post # 4
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I am so glad my ILs are not like that.  I know it may be in bad taste, but I would certainly point out to them that this is YOUR wedding, not theirs, and until they contribute financially their advice is just that – advice.  You need to stand your ground with them now or this will be what the rest of your life is like.  They have no business making demands when they are not contributing financially to your wedidng.

Post # 5
2201 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I feel for you. And would probably have blown up at her a long time ago with a “why should I care that you don’t like what we want to do, it’s our money.” With a “bite me” thrown in under my breath Innocent

My thoughts would be to have a quite powwow with FH before you hear her “answer” to get a game plan in place about how you are going to respond as a couple if her “answer” isn’t something that you feel comfortable with.

Maybe by standing up to her now, you can head future problems off at the pass . . .

Post # 6
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Arg. What a pain! It occurs to me that the reason they might be doing all this is that at first they assumed that you would have ‘their kind’ of wedding (on your budget – it’s magic!).  Now they are hearing about your decisions which don’t match their vision, and are trying to change that.  Obviously that’s not okay and you should have what you want (which sounds nice to me) and meeting with your vendors is insane.  But you could sit down with Future Mother-In-Law and ask her about her visions for the event, and see if there’s any way to put some of that in without breaking your budget or ruining your plans.  Even say, “I love your ideas about flowers. We were thinking of spending $ on flowers, but if you would like to help out we could meet with florists together.”  Sic her on something  you don’t care about, in other words.  Good luck – sounds like you’re going to need it!

Post # 7
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I would talk to the vendors and explain the situation and that you will be the point person on the contracts.  I am sure being in the wedding industry they have experienced various family dynamics.   I would then show Il’s your budget with the buffet and then what the sit down will cost.  Explain to them that if they feel a sit down would be better, they are more than welcome to contribute the difference.   You have to hold your ground lady, or they may try to push around all of your life.  The audacity of them trying to control your wedding without contributing is insane!  I am sorry you have to go through this.

Post # 8
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree.  You need to clarify who is the person making the decisions with your vendors…you don’t want them getting confused.

I would also sit down with your Fiance and have a heart-to-heart.  Talk about how difficult this is for you and your fears about the future.  You two will need to present a united front to the FIL’s. 

Hang in there.  It will get better!

Post # 9
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

i think your Future In-Laws are “taking liberty” (your words) its because you are letting them.   time to stand up and say enough is enough and start planning your own wedding – you are paying for it so you dont need to ask for anyones permission.  i would stop discussing the plans and getting their  opinions – just tell them what it is and when and thats it.  


Post # 10
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

So frustrating!

I think it’s important for you to remember that there’s a middle ground between disregarding your Future In-Laws and caving to whatever they want.  I’m also a little unclear as to why you think you would need their input or permission on decisions like a house.  Does your Fiance tend to defer to their judgment in these sorts of things?

Going forward it would probably be best to bring them into the process only on matters that aren’t hugely important – guestbook, favors, etc.  You and Fiance are paying for the wedding, so there’s no reason why you can’t diplomatically hold your ground when it comes to big ticket items.

Post # 11
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

It sounds like his parents may have an idea in their head of how they envisioned their son’s wedding to be.  While I don’t think they can get too upset since they aren’t paying, I do still think you want to respect them and take their concerns/wishes into consideration. 

Who is paying for the wedding?  You and your FI?  I would say you guys definitally have the final say then. 

You really don’t want your vendors to be confused as to who is in charge.  They need to know that not only are you cutting the check, but you are the one making the decisions. 

In dealing with your FIL’s, I would suggest that you try to be as diplomatic about it as possible.  Try to understand why they are wanting to provide all this input. 

Post # 12
1220 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Personally I’d call the caterers and ask them to cancel the meeting with the IL’s.  It’s not there place to waste time meeting with people that will not being doing business with them, since you are the one they’ll be doing business with b/c you’re paying.

Then I’d tell the IL where they could shove it.  But that’s me, and I don’t have much patience for behind the back crap like this.

Post # 13
3871 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Tell the caterers that you will not sign a contract until you approve of it and because you are responsible for all costs, that you WILL need to be involved in deciding where to have it.  YOU have the final say… unless she is willing to foot the bill.

Also, all discussion (emails and verbally) MUST involve you.

Sorry you are going through this. My Mother-In-Law was psycho crazy and I had to cut her off from any wedding planning decisions.

Post # 14
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I read this thread and also your previous one about hte background of your wedding financial situation.

Rather than be up in arms over this (and you rightfully deserve to be), I actually think that the may end up offering to pay for a large portion of the food and beverage at a place that they chose.  Unless they are downright nuts, I think that it sounds like they originally did not want to contribute, but when they heard what you two were planning to do with the budget you put together, they decided that they wanted to do something nicer.

Before you go cookoo bonkers crazy at them, just give them a few more days and see what they come up with in terms of their “recommendations” for caterers.  It sounds VERY BIZARRE that they would be meeting with vendors who are out of your price range (and clearly overstepping their bounds) if they weren’t planning to significantly contribute monetarily speaking.

Try to stay calm for a few more days.  They may come back and surprise you.  But if you blow up at them beforehand, they will probably forget it.

Post # 16
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

First, the vendors will not sign a contract with THEM and require YOU to pay for it.  If they sign a contract with the vendor, they will be legally responsible for paying for it.  So if they are meeting with caterers, I think they want to pay for the food (in its entirety).  Otherwise it’s a waste of time.

I also think that they are taking advantage of the fact that your only advocate is your Fiance (who they assume is on thier side).  Your Fiance needs to step up and BE on your side 100% or this WILL last forever!

Honestly, my Darling Husband and I paid for ALL wedding expenses ourselves and this was a huge reason why.  We never had to run anything past anyone.  And we never gave anyone latitude to comment, since we only told them AFTER we had secured the vendor or after we had chosen the colors.  The conversation always started as “We have chosen to…” and that was it.  You can’t argue with a decision already made and contract already signed.  I think you should refrain from sharing future decisions until they’ve already been made, or you’ll continue to run into thier interference.

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