(Closed) The good ol plus one questions…this ones pretty interesting…Help!!

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@SLuce021:  you allowed the plus one. that’s where the control stops for you. you can’t control who they actually bring unless you placed the name on the invitation specifically. 

Post # 4
3887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If you give someone a generic +1 then you can’t really tell them who they can or can’t invite. If you’re really annoyed about this, then don’t give them a +1.  But if you don’t name the guest in the invite, you’re basically saying “bring a friend” and the guest can choose which friend they want to bring.

Out of curiosity, why does it bother you that his guest is of the same gender?  To me it would be no different than if he invited a non-romantic girl pal.

PS you may want to just tell everyone to stop yakking about it on facebook. That’s really inappropriate in a lot of ways, starting with it could be a bit hurtful to someone you’re not inviting to see world plus dog yammering away about the event (and you don’t have to invite everyone but those invited should have th good sense to be discreet about things), and if everyone’s babbling away on facebook about your wedding, you may have more guests than you anticipate. Gives the impression it’s a kegger and all.   If you have potential guests who can’t shut up on facebook, maybe they shouldn’t be guests.


Post # 5
2378 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m not sure why you would be involved at all in who they bring.  If you had invited “Steve and Amy”, then it would be expected that Steve would bring Amy, and not a friend.  However, when you invite “Steve and Guest”, that means that Steve can bring anyone he wants, regardless of gender or relationship status.  That’s the whole point of a +1.

Post # 6
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

You kinda have to suck it up. If you invite a plus one (and not a guest by name) you don’t get to say who they bring. If you want to control guests, don’t allow plus ones. Since you already have, I’m sorry you kinda have to just deal now…

Post # 8
526 posts
Busy bee

I think I get where you’re coming from, guests act differently when they come as a date or a couple, vs as a single person with a friend.  You are having a wedding reception and don’t want a kegger type atmosphere, is that it? 

Sadly I agree with pp, there isn’t any way to avoid this once a plus one is given.  I am sure your friends are classy, and you are just imagining a worst case scenario.  Its what brides do!


Post # 10
1132 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@SLuce021:  Sounds like you can save this since you haven’t actually told anyone they get a plus one. You haven’t sent out invites or anything, so them assuming they get a plus one is an unfortunate assumption on their part. If you don’t want people bringing random guests (and it sounds like you don’t) don’t allow for generic plus ones for anyone not in the bridal party.

There are all kinds of threads on how to word RSVP cards to prevent people from adding guests to their RSVP, but in the event they ignore that and say they are bringing someone anyway just call them and gently explain that while you would love for everyone to have a plus one, unfortunately you aren’t able to do that.

Post # 11
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013





If you didn’t include “and guest” on their invitation, it is totally rude for them to bring a +1 without even asking. Have you received their RSVPs yet?




ETA: Just noticed your wedding date, so if you haven’t sent out invitations yet, you definitely don’t have to extend +1s to every single person on your guest list. That said, their discussion about +1s on FB where you can see it is more than a faux pas.






Post # 12
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@SLuce021:  you don’t get any say in the sex or identity of the plus one once given. If you really wanted to control who the plus ones were you should have just named the people on the invites. 

Post # 13
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Oh it sounded like you told people they could have plus ones. Simple then, just tell everybody no plus ones, if that’s how you feel. Only include people BY NAME and if people try to RSVP otherwise, simply explain that you are not extending plus ones and only inviting people by name, and be consistent about that. If you do offer plus ones though, you have no say in who people invite.

Post # 16
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Etiquette Snob here… lol

Ok, going back to your OP, you said…

My concern and fear is that our wedding is going to turn into a freakin free for  all with all these friends attending. Now we do have to have a minimum of  150 guests…if we dont meet the minimum of 150 guest then we’ll just be paying  for extra plates that no one is eating which sucks but I wanted the bigger  less cluttered room. Anyway…I’ve been seeing on facebook that friends of ours  are planning on bringing same sex friends to the wedding as their plus one.

Issue # 1

The way around this is to issue Invites that are very specific on WHO YOU EXPECT to attend.  So Names Only … No “and Guest”.  Folks whom you wish to give a Plus One to you ask them for the addressing details for “their date”

You also use the RSVP / Reply Cards that have the phrase…

” ___ seats have been reserved in your honour”

And write in the number that corresponds to whom you sent the Invite to.

So… Mr Bob Black … it would say 1

Mr Bob Black & Guest… it would say 2

Mr Bob Black

Ms Sue Jones…. it would say 2 if sent to Bob’s Address (not the best Etiquette)

OR 1 on each Invite RSVP if you sent it to both their home addresses if they are not living together… (Best Etiquette)

Issue # 2

Guest numbers are determined by your Guest List… you said you haven’t sent out your Invites yet… have you organized your Guest List ?  Broken it down into FAMILY – RELATIVES – MUST HAVES – WOULD BE NICES etc.

Prioritizing means that you’ll have better control of things… and IF necessary you can also have a B-List (just be aware that a B-List has its own set of protocols… you can search WBee and the ETIQUETTE BOARD for more info… or ask again, and I’ll give you the full run down)

Issue # 3

As noted by other Bees… once you write “And Guest”… it says you’ve left that decision up to the Guest to decide who will accompany them.  Be that their regular GF, or some random person they just met… or even their Best Friend, Sister, or Mother… whomever they wish to spend the day / weekend with essentially.

Issue # 4

FaceBook… a sure fire way to mess up a Wedding if there ever was one… pure Drama / Trauma by the truck-load.  Get off of FaceBook… infact don’t talk about your Wedding Plans on any social media website, and limit it in real life too… people cannot make poor decisions / demands of you if you don’t feed them the info to get them started down that road.

BEST ADVICE… If you want to talk Wedding Planning come to WBee… not nearly as harmful as doing so with those in 3D life.

Hope this helps,

PS… Overall, it sounds like you really aren’t there yet… and have some more thinking to do / work on the Guest List so you’ve thought thru all the variables before you.  Just be aware that if you are looking to have a B-List, you need to get the first round of Invites in the mail by the 12 week mark.


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