(Closed) The Great Wait Debate

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’ve read part of “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man”, but not the whole book yet, unfortunately.  I actually pretty much agree with what was said.  I can’t even process the thought of waiting endlessly for anyone short of Jesus.  Love is great, but it ain’t everything.  I have to have Love in my relationship… however I won’t be waiting for 5+ years in the name of Love.  It would be different if there were circumstances other than just “I’m not ready” that were prolonging getting married… if we were having financial issues or one of us fell ill or something like that… I can justify a longer waiting period.  I’m not totally heartless, LoL.  But still, I don’t tolerate “feet dragging” or wishy washy men.  Maybe I’m just unbelievably impatient, but I don’t have time for it.  I know what I want out of life.. and so should you if this relationship is going to work.  And I make this clearly known when the relationship FIRST starts to get serious, so that my male counterpart knows what he’s getting himself into.  Like they say.. if you can’t take the heat…

Post # 4
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee

I did read one of the books and my mom has read the other. I definitely agree with the major points.

This also makes me take a huge step backwards to look at the big picture. Thanks for posting, it’s good for me to get a reality check sometimes!

We have been together only a year and a half, but talked about marriage about 3-4 months into the relationship.

If I knew he wasn’t ready or I’d be waiting for 3+ years, I would look at our relationship a lot differently. For us, it’s not been a question of IF, just when. So…. here I am complaining and there are women out there with huge question marks hanging in front of them.  I also agree with not being able to tolerate someone dragging their feet for no good reason. Either you DO or you DON’T. I stole this image from theplunge.com, I think it’s a good article in itself though!!

(Here is the link to the article)

Post # 5
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I haven’t read these books, but I agree with their sentiments based on your description.  I get tired of seeing bees criticize those waiting (Ex: “why do you want to get married so bad?” “what’s your rush?” “I would never leave someone b/c they wouldn’t marry me”) Granted, there are times when these sorts of reactions are totally valid.  If you are 18 and have dated your SO for a few months, you might seriously ask yourself “what is the rush.”  And, I have seen some of the waiting bees be a little too persistent after they have had a timeline discussion, or even after they know for a fact a proposal is coming, but that doesn’t seem to be the norm.  There’s a difference between being nagging and annoying and just asking for a little respect.

As I responded in another post, I was ready to get engaged a little while before my FH was ready.  Turns out, he was worried about money for the wedding because he has a large family.  I understood where he was coming from, but when we talked, I told him that I didn’t think this was a good reason to put off marriage.  I guess my point is that people sometimes set up these unrealistic expectations about what they should accomplish before they get married. You can get married at the JOP with $20.00 wedding bands. 

I’ve seen bees on here who are irritated that their SO isn’t proposing b/c he has been saving up for a ring for over a year, and some people jump on these posters.  Personally, I understand the frustration and don’t think it is a good “excuse,” unless the poster is demanding a ring that is beyond her SO’s means.  I rarely get the sense that that is the case.

I also hate to see those bees in situations where they “slip up” and ask their SO about engagement, and their SO then turns around and says “I was going to propse this Christmas, but you blew it b/c you brought it up.”  I’d be pissed too!  That strikes me as very controlling and just . . . not something you should do to someone you care about who is obviously having anxiety over getting engaged.

The decision to get married should be a mutual decision. I think it is possible to make this decision and to get engaged without all these gender stereotype throw-backs that I think confuse both men and women during this process and seem to lead to a lot of hurt feelings. 

Post # 6
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

@EleanorRigby: I agree about the “I was going to propse this Christmas, but you blew it b/c you brought it up.”My friend’s SO did that to her, and I thought it was so hurtful and mean that he said such a thing, I told her to leave him. I don’t know about other guys, but her guy is very mean and I think he’s playing games.

I know if a guy said that to me I would be out the door.

Post # 7
Member
289 posts
Helper bee

Talking about engagement shouldn’t get you punished. That’s why I choose not to participate in any of the “Challenges” on the waiting board. While I totally believe it’s a kind-hearted, unifying idea with good intentions, i refuse to stifle my desires in order to get results. I try so hard to have a relationship that fosters open, honest communication. If I promised to keep my mouth zipped for an disclosed amount of time in hopes that my silence would result in happiness, I wouldn’t be staying true to myself.

So, I want to get engaged, yes. Do I get a little pouty when diaper commercials come on the television screen, reminding me of my own, empty uterus? Sure. Do I occasionally shoot my SO a look when facebook alterts us that yet another one of our mutual friends is now engaged? Yeah. I’m fully aware that I can be a little obnoxious when the waiting game grows tough. I’m sure a lot of women would agree with me. But I believe our SO’s also need to be fully aware that their obvous delay tactics can get just as obnoxious.

Like the OP touched upon, I hope there’s a high turn over rate on these boards each and every year. “Waiting” needs to be a temporary state of being.

Post # 8
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@FlamingRedHair: I would leave if a guy did that to me, too! Marriage, to me, is not about control/playing games. You are either proposing or you aren’t.

I didn’t wait, and to be honest, I don’t agree with/understand the “waiting”. It’s your life, too. You are equally culpable in the timeline of your relationship!

Post # 9
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee

@izziebear: You make a lot of really, really good points. “But I believe our SO’s also need to be fully aware that their obvous delay tactics can get just as obnoxious.” Can you call up my SO and tell him this?! This is something I wish they would get. I don’t think they understand how difficult it can be sometimes because the ball is totally in their court. Ugh.

I am surrounded by wedding stuff (designing invitations and a new photographer), so it seems like it’s on my mind constantly… And I hate it. :/ If I were true to myself, he’d hear it everyday (that’s sad!).

 

Post # 10
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

@armychica06: You go girl! (So love you girly) I absoluted love “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man”. I refer to it often and I’ve read the ‘marriage sections’ a ton of times. And I agree 100%. At some point the waiting does get old. (Believe me I’m there). Men absolutely get used to the status quo and they never move away from it unless you make them (in most cases). It sucks that it has to be that way. But I believe that waiting endlessly is no good. And that waiting without a defined timeline, plan, or goal is also no good. I TOTALLY agree verbatim with

@MsFoxxy: “I can’t even process the thought of waiting endlessly for anyone short of Jesus.  Love is great, but it ain’t everything.  I have to have Love in my relationship… however I won’t be waiting for 5+ years in the name of Love.  It would be different if there were circumstances other than just “I’m not ready” that were prolonging getting married… if we were having financial issues or one of us fell ill or something like that… I can justify a longer waiting period.  I’m not totally heartless, LoL.  But still, I don’t tolerate “feet dragging” or wishy washy men.  Maybe I’m just unbelievably impatient, but I don’t have time for it.  I know what I want out of life.. and so should you if this relationship is going to work.”

AMEN SISTA!!!!!! PREACH!!!

Post # 11
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Some guys just never step up to the plate. And some who do, do so too late by any reasonable standard.

I had an aunt whose husband made her “wait” ten years, until she was 36, to get married. By the time they were ready to TTC, her doctors told her she was no longer fertile. And she’s never really been the same since then.

Post # 12
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

i wish you had put a poll so I could be anonymous since I’m usually ‘that’ poster, lol, but I do like to speak up when I have a thought ๐Ÿ™‚

I haven’t read either of those books as they just aren’t my type of reading preference.  But I do know the gist of what they are about and the type of chapters that the OP is referring to.  I come to the idea of marriage from (seemingly) a very different place than a lot of other bees on WB.  I would only want to marry as a result of finding that special someone.  What I mean is, I’ve never in my life said ‘I want to be married’  for the sake of being married without a candidate in the flesh.  Does that make sense?  I think of marriage progressing this way: date a person, get to know them, fall in love, want to spend the rest of our lives together, get married.  So for me, the idea of marriage would never even enter my head if I didn’t already find the person I don’t want to live without.  So if they weren’t ready and weren’t in the same place as me at the time then it’s a small detail to me compared to not having them in my life.  So not getting married wouldn’t be worth not being with that person since they are the only reason I’d want to be married anyway.

What I see a lot, is women (and men, I have a male friend like that) that want to be married before they’ve ever even dated anyone.  Like as a child, they just want to fall in love and be married, without ever actually meeting someone to naturally evolve that desire first.  So for me, it’s hard to relate sometimes to ‘waiting’ in a negative manner.  I tend to view it as wanting marriage more importantly than the person you are wanting to marry and for me that’s the backwards way to go about it.  It might be because my parents have been married 46 years and are giddy in love still, so I have always grown up or I guess been taught that you will find a person that will move you into wanting to marry THEM and them only.  A few bees have kindly shared their different views from time to time, and it’s definetly helped me understand them more ๐Ÿ™‚  I still can’t relate my own views at all but at least I’ve got a bit more insight into why they desire the actual ‘being married’ part so much. 

I don’t believe that everyone knows if they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone after 1 year, 2 years, 1 month – everyone is different.  It’s been 7 years for me and my bf, almost 8 now, and we are just now slowly thinking about marriage, but not for romantic reasons.  If he had insisted that I push aside my own ‘unreadiness’ years ago to cater to the fact that he was ready, I’d be turned off.  It’s easy to be on one side of the issue and say ‘if he loved me and wasn’t ready he would just do it to make me happy’ but then why not equally ‘if she loved me and I’m not ready she will just not do it to make me happy’.  I have never felt like I needed to ‘stand up for myself’ in my relationship because we aren’t at odds over anything so I’m sure that puts me in a different place, too. 

I had said in another post that I just don’t see the pressure, convincing and threats to make a partner get married before they feel it’s ‘their’ time or readiness as any different than pressuring, convincing or threatening your partner to have sex before the feel it’s ‘their’ time or readiness.  I could guarantee that I could find a post by a waiting bee, change all of the ‘propose’ to ‘have sex’ and ‘he’ to ‘she’ and repost it and it would get ripped apart on here as being wrong and controlling.  Would you tell a man that he should not put up with his Girlfriend not having sex with him as it allows her to drag her feet about it?  Or would you tell the Girlfriend that if she really loved him and it was important to her Boyfriend or Best Friend and something that he clearly needs, she is selfish or doesn’t love him for not having sex with him?  Real question.

SORRY THIS IS LONG – I TYPE THE WAY I TALK! Lol

Post # 13
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee

@luckyprincess: I can absolutely see where you are coming from… For sure.

And I sort of have the same sentiments. I had never seriously thought about marriage until I met my SO. However, we have been on the same page about wanting to get married for over a year. He’s told me repeatedly he wants to marry me. So in my mind… I’m like…. uh, so if you really do want this, then why hasn’t it happened?

I do know it’s a personal thing with him and where he’s at in his job/career (I make twice as much as him and it reeeeally bothers him). But…. at the same time, I feel I’m “waiting” because we have made this mutual decision yet he’s the one with the ball in his court — which is frustrating a lot of the time.

Post # 14
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee

@luckyprincess: Also…. about your parents… AMAZING!!! How lucky they are in this day and age to have that strong love for one another. Congratulations to them ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 15
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

@gocubbies:

Yup, that’s one of those situations I can totally get.  Plus, I should have added that I agree – you have to be on the same page.  Another poster was smart when she said she makes sure at the beginning of a relationship that the guy is also someone that wants to be married.  I think if you’re on the same page it’s half the battle.

Your SO sounds a lot like my Dad.  He is very ‘traditional’ in thinking about supporting the family and stuff.  My Mom was a Stay-At-Home Mom forever – like til I was 33 and I’m the youngest, lol.  She only just started working in the last few years because my Dad’s job at the factory he was at forever got cut in layoffs.  He had such a hard time with it emotionally and with his pride, sounds like your guy.  Hope he gets that job!!  Good mojo going out to you from NJ! ๐Ÿ™‚

Thanks about my parents – they are great to watch <3

Post # 16
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@gocubbies: Haha, that table is awesome!

@EleanorRigby: You said it all perfectly!

I’m not the kind of girl who bites her tongue, especially not with the guy I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. If something’s on my mind, he’s going to know about it. And if he can’t handle knowing what’s on my mind, he’s clearly not the one for me!

Darling Husband knew about my timeline, and he knew I was starting to get impatient. My philosophy is, 3-4 years is plenty enough time for a guy to figure out if this girl is the one. If he can’t figure it out by then, too bad! He had his chance! As it says in the table in gocubbies’ post, “What are you scared of? Man up!” Or as my best friend puts it, “Sh*t or get off the pot!”

 

 

The topic ‘The Great Wait Debate’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors