The guests you aren't inviting – friendship over?

posted 3 years ago in Guests
Post # 2
Hostess
4389 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

When we started wedding planning we had 2 lists. Everyone we could possibly want to invite and those we absolutely couldn’t imagine getting married without. We chose the small list, about 60 people. And when others asked we simply told them we were having a small wedding. Nobody has stopped being in our lives because we chose to do something simple. 

Post # 3
Member
28 posts
Newbee

I told everyone that it was immediate family only (plus my one very best friend). I think some feelings were hurt but I wanted a small, intimate wedding. The place I chose literally limited it to 39 people (including myself and FI) so when people would ask I would say something like “oh that’d be great if you could come, unfortunately our venue is really small and immediate family took up the guest list”. It didn’t end any friendships because my friends know that I’m a quiet, reserved person as it is so a big wedding was never expected. Interestingly, while none of my friends had a problem with it there were several family members who did. I remember my dad calling me up and saying his brother (who I had never met or spoken to) was very upset about not getting an invitation. I told my dad that his brother had 26 years to speak with me. I was not going to be meeting him for the first time at my wedding. So yes, in that sense I guess I have family not speaking to me over it, but the family members that weren’t invited never spoke with me to begin with so I didn’t feel that bad

Post # 4
Member
1191 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I made it very clear before we even got engaged that when we did get married it would be small with family and close friends only. Some people get left out but it is what it is. I didn’t sweat it.

Post # 6
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper

There is one invite that if I could do over I would invite but I don’t know that our friendship would be better or not, we hadn’t talked in over a year. Still I wish I had invited. But really we invited all close family and friends. 

Post # 7
Member
914 posts
Busy bee

People understand that weddings are expensive. Invite who you want to invite as along as you accomodate them. I don’t think any lack of invite should be friendship ending. 

Post # 8
Member
6947 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
nelliemade :  I hate to be harsh, but in some of the cases you mentioned, these are friendships that are already over.  The wedding isn’t going to do it, refusing to speak to you for supporting the ‘wrong’ candidate already did it.  Not speaking to you (or vice versa) because you left a job and drifted apart would do it.  It’s highly unlikely people like that would be expecting an invitation at all, or even consider themselves to be friends.  I’d have dumped them off my Facebook list ages ago, in fact.  Invite people you WANT at your wedding, not people you feel guilty about leaving out.  I wish I hadn’t bothered with the ones I felt guilty nostalgia for – they didn’t RSVP without me chasing for it and didn’t send any real acknowledgment that an old, very good friend was getting married, not even a card.  Waste of my time and headspace.

Post # 9
Member
1614 posts
Bumble bee

If someone didn’t reach out and congratulate me in some way (and I know they knew), I did not feel I owed an invite. My general concept was that if I don’t engage with the person on some meaningful level at least once every 3 months (6 if I know they’re particularly busy) for the prior year, I didn’t owe them an invite. 

I generally just made a bunch of rules of ways to measure someone’s  investment in me, and cut that way. For people near the border I made individual calls. 

 

 

Post # 10
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I think I might be odd here. 

If a friend had a small wedding that was not local to where I was I wouldn’t be offended if I wasn’t invited. Or if it was them and two witnesses. Or just their family. Because I wouldn’t be insulted at not being invited to a non-event (such as, if you don’t *throw* a dinner party, then I’m not offended at not being invited to “it”) and I’m not offended at not being invited to your family reunion. 

But if you are having an actual event- meaning you are inviting lots of people and it is not far away from where I am (I can see how someone would be reluctant to invite me to travel to their hometown) and I am not invited then I am interperting it to be that we are not friends. Because if we were friends then you’d invite me to any local events that you throw. (Obviously excluding the inappropriate- like if you have an all guys thing and not invite me because I’m a girl, or have a mom group and I’m not a mom.) Because it just doesn’t make any sense to me that I am your friend and I am also not invited to your local major life event that you are in fact inviting people to. 

I have people that I will talk to if they around. But these are not my friends and I wouldn’t expect them to show up to my wedding. 

A few years back I got an invitation to a wedding for someone who I hadn’t spoken to in years, and who had flimsy excuses the last two times I had tried to hang out. I thought this was really odd and I kinda felt like she was trying to fill up space. 

But if there are “slots” for 50 people in my catagory (non-family, not gender restrictive or my gender, not a gathering for a particular activity I don’t do) and I’m not invited then we’re not friends. Because that means that AT BEST there are 50 people who you are closer to. Which is fine, you’re not obligated to be my friend, but you are in fact not my friend. 

I think people are trying to play it both ways when they do this- both announce that someone is not their friend and still be treated by them as a friend. 

Post # 11
Member
1342 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Some people will resent you over it… but chances are, if they were that important to you, they’d have made it to your A list. 

Not everyone will be happy with your guest list, but really, most people’s opinions or feelings don’t actually matter.  It’s a harsh way to put it, but…

 

Post # 12
Member
7994 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

you were super close once upon a time, but time has passed, and when you announced your engagement, their reaction was either snarky “well good for you,” or nothing at all (IE no “Likes” or well-wishes on Facebook/Text/Phonecall)?

Neither of these are friendships, they are acquaintances at best. I have tons of FB friends, there was no way I’d be inviting all of them. 

Post # 13
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

As someone that wasn’t invited to two weddings this year of people I’ve known and been friends with for over 10 years, I can honestly say, it felt like a kick in the gut. It made me really reassess those relationships, and frankly, I’ve pretty much written them off. Clearly, our friendship just wasn’t as important to them as it was to me. I think people will be nice about it, but it will be in the back of their mind if they are snubbed an invite. Especially if it’s people you still see on a regular basis.

Post # 14
Member
3343 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
nelliemade :  for some, yes, being excluded from your larger wedding,  will end the relationship. “Friends” who had an expectation of an invitation and don’t get one will realize they are not as important to you as they thought.. So choose carefully.  The work exclusions may also cause hard feelings.

View original reply
impatient1 :  exactly

Post # 15
Member
1761 posts
Buzzing bee

I think if you’re not going to invite someone, you’d better have a good excuse for if/when they confront you about it. I asked my good high school friend if I was invited to his wedding before he even proposed and he said no, without any reason. That friendship was over that night.

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