(Closed) The guy who said He was against Marriage & Kids changed his mind

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
9523 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

You should not feel guilty over the choices of other’s that you have no control of. You only hurt yourself doing that. Maybe he wasn’t ready younger in life or maybe he wasn’t ready with her. Neither has anything to do with you. She might be hurt but she most likely also knows in the back of her mind that it is going to happen.

Post # 4
Member
21 posts
Newbee

It’s super empathetic and sweet of you to feel for her. You must be a caring person!! But yeah don’t let it get in the way of YOUR happiness!! It just wasn’t meant to be with her and him. 

Post # 5
Member
1147 posts
Bumble bee

I’m glad things are working out for you the way you want them to! I don’t think you should feel guilty at all, although what happened to her was sad, she wasn’t the right girl at the right time. Things like these do happen.

Post # 6
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

im so happy your SO totally changed his mind! Thats so exciting for you! Its understandable that you would think of his ex, I’ve thought about what my current  SO’S exs might think when we get engaged…but you cant let that get into the way of your future. Maybe have your Boyfriend or Best Friend unfriend her…that might hurt her a bit but probably less than seeing you tied down the man she couldnt. He must be crazy about you if hes willing to change his belief on marriage and children, and wouldnt change it for previous GFs. Congrats on starting your wait!

Post # 7
Member
2648 posts
Sugar bee

This sounds like it could be positive and I’m glad you’re on the same page for now. I wouldn’t, however, declare that he’s made a 360 change until you guys are actually married and have a kid together and he is 100% as excited for those things as you are. Not to be a debbie downer, but he could still be stringing you along, with vague promises of everything happening in 4 years time; the fact that he’s 10 years older than you makes me even more worried about this possibility. I woudn’t worry about hurting his ex’s feelings by getting engaged until you are *actually engaged.* I wonder whether your anxiety about the ex has more to do with the fact that you’re worried you will become her than being worried about hurting her. 

Post # 8
Member
16 posts
Newbee

View original reply
browneyedgirl24 :  I’ll agree to this. I’m still on the fence about kids, I could have one and feel the same as if I didn’t, but my SO is all about it. So it’s important to really talk about the details before you’re in the thick of it. I’m trying to spend more time with my niece to see how it might be. 

Post # 10
Member
5785 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
intotheocean :  It can’t be his nature to be very honest & blunt if he strung his ex along for years and never gave her closure, ‘dragging his feet’ though he knew full well she wanted marriage and kids. I don’t think he’s singing an entirely different song with you, I think you’re getting a re-release of his same old song. I find it hard to believe he had some life-altering epiphany when you left him in the middle of the night, I think he didn’t want to lose you and so told you what you wanted to hear. Probably the same stuff he told his ex when it was what she wanted to hear. And now Romeo has bought himself some time because you’re currently content with a five year plan that requires no real action or commitment on his part. 

p.s. Take his ‘she made him miserable, he was anxious with her’ excuse for stringing her along with a grain of salt, you’re only hearing his biased version of her. After all, she couldn’t have made him too miserable if he still wants to be friends with her, likely they wanted different things. In fact, if she’s married and pregnant now, I seriously doubt she’s thinking of him as the one that got away. 

p.p.s. As much as you think you’ve gotten through the honeymoon phase and the power struggle phase- I think you’re still in the honeymoon phase because you’re still wearing blinders where this guy is concerned. 

Post # 12
Member
9385 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I tend to agree with the last two pps rather, about not being too sure that you and he are on the  same page. You have given him a  very long lead time, four full years from now for marriage , with no mention of an actual engagement,  the usual symbol of committment .  

I fear he may see it as a respite, ” yeah yeah babe four years sounds great  to me.  What ? sure , you can  have a baby if you really want after that “

You sound so nice and generous , I wonder if you are giving him too much of the benefit of the doubt . 30 is not ,of course ,old to  TTC a first baby , but they don’t always  come to order and  if he starts dragging his heels with you when the four years end is in sight …….

Post # 13
Member
2326 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Dont count your chickens before theyve hatched.

Dont feel hes changed until youve a ring on your finger ans some babies in their beds. 

Post # 14
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

I totally agree with the last couple of posters. He’s lying. Don’t be too quick to feel sorry for the ex. Soon it will be you people will be feeling sorry for. 

Post # 15
Member
487 posts
Helper bee

I don’t want to put poisen in your ear but how do you know she is so hung up on him? From him? She has married and had a kid. He is still five years away from marriage and talking about her. Sounds like he’s the one who is still hung up. 

Anyway it doesn’t really matter. They aren’t together so she has moved on with her life. Its often not so black and white as “I love this person” or “They are my ex and I’ve totally forgotten they exist”. Its more like “well that’s one path my life could have taken, but it didn’t, it took this other path”. 

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