The guy who said He was against Marriage & Kids changed his mind

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
6814 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

It’s great to be so excited and to feel good about the conversations you’ve had and the agreements you’ve made. I hope that your SO has had a change of heart and realized that marriage and children, which he might not have wanted or been interested in before, are things that he could want or happily experience with you. (My SO was someone like this, so it is possible). 

I’m curious to know why you set a date 4 years out for this marriage to take place. That leaves quite a large gap of time for you to hope (and maybe also to worry) that what he says is actually true. I wonder, if you were to tell him that you’d like to be considered officially engaged now, married within the next couple years and then start trying a couple years after that (so keeping the baby on your original timeline) if he would still be as open.

We aren’t in your relationship and do not know your SO, and, it is possible for people to change their minds on these topics. I, personally, would just want some reassurance that he wasn’t going to go along with the conversations for the next few years and then find some excuse to push it back once it was time for everything to start happening.

Post # 17
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

You can promise anything for 4 years from now. That’s how politicians are so successful.

Post # 18
Member
3275 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Why isn’t there  a ring on your finger now if he’s really changed his mind? I wonder if his ex is feeling sorry for you,  thinking you’re wasting your 20s  on him like she did…

Post # 20
Member
11 posts
Newbee

Best of luck to you. Not to be cynical but your post seems a little naive and a little too focused on the pity you feel for his ex gf over what is going on in your own relationship. (You devoted more than half of your original post to that tppic). You may have won for now, but the real question is whether you are going to still want the prize in another 4 years. 

Post # 22
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

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intotheocean :  You are so full of contradictions here…..trying to appear blithe and nonchalant now “I honestly feel like it’s too soon….I wanted to wait until after our 2nd anniversary to seriously talk about engagement” undecided Umm, yeah, that’s why you’re on the Waiting boards of a wedding forum, saying you’re excited and happy to ‘officially be waiting’, can’t wait, yada yada yada. 

And you DON’T know how she acted when they were dating- you pressed your new boyfriend for details and he gave you his biased filtered version of events. And how is it your ex was both bluntly forthcoming and yet dragging his heels? 

Also side-eyeing her still messaging him that she’s in love with him. IF that’s true, then your SO is being disrespectful to you and totally unfair to her by keeping the lines of communication going with a woman who is still infatuated with him. 

Let’s not gloss over the fact that SHE ended things with him. So him being the catch that got away could very well be his ego/ bravado needing to believe this or it could be her still hurting over being misled by him. Either way I’m not seeing the amazingness of this guy…..but then I’m not buying your ho hum, no rush here, I’m super chill and in no hurry comments either.

I’m not saying this to piss on your parade Bee, you don’t sound like a bad person- what you sound like is cute and happy and very naive. I’d rather you read all of these blunt and honest doubts in the posts here, if it will make you open your eyes a little, rather than have you posting here miserable and disillusioned and still waiting three or four years from now. Sorry, but none of this looks good. I’d love to be wrong, I truly would, I just don’t think so. 

Post # 25
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

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intotheocean :  Well yes, since you’re researched my username obv (lol fair play), we were together for about 4 years before I got engaged- and yes I was pissed off with his procrastinating….but not until about 2 1/2 years in. And he never told me he didn’t want marriage (as your SO has), we had different timelines not different goals. And it wasn’t until I considered myself ‘waiting’ that I sought out the waiting forum of a wedding message board via a google search. I don’t care if you’ve been together a year or a decade, you don’t search out a ‘waiting’ board if you’re all super chill in your relationship and in no hurry to get engaged, so why the pretense? 

And yes, she did the right thing ending a relationship with incompatible goals, but what is less clear is whether he strung her along until she’d had enough or if he was upfront about it from the beginining. Look what happened with you Bee, he tried telling you he didn’t have the same goals as you, that he didn’t want the same things you wanted. You abruptly ended things with him and suddenly he’s singing a different tune, allowing you to believe he shares the same goals as you (miraculously fast 180 there on some pretty serious life goals) and so now you’re back sharing his bed believing him to have had a complete epiphany/ change of heart…..but ultimately he’s just placated you with words. I’m willing to bet this is exactly how things played out with his ex, until it finally got to the point where she realized how empty his promises were. 

I don’t think all guys are assholes, in fact I don’t even think a majority of them are, there are tons of great guys out there. I’m just not convinced that you’re not headed down the exact same path as his ex and everyone can see it but you. 

I don’t expect you to like what I’m saying, because deep down I think you’re worried that this is exactly how things are and your psuedo-concern for his poor infatuated ex is actually anxiety that history is repeating itself in your relationship. 

Post # 26
Member
487 posts
Helper bee

To be fair to OP, it can happen that people change their mind. My partner strung along his previous gf, not committing and wasting her time until she broke up with him. Now he’s much older he was happy to settle down straight away with me, he realised he was running out of time. 

In my previous relationship I was strung along for five years by a guy who promised a lot and delivered nothing. I think one of the hardest things for me with my Fiance is knowing that he isn’t a “better” or more committed guy than my ex – he is exactly the same behaviour wise, just at a later point in his life. 

Post # 27
Member
3275 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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intotheocean :  He gave you words but no actions. You’re still waiting, exactly the same as his ex did….

 

Post # 28
Member
386 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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intotheocean :  Also just want to point out — 40 year old men that are interested in being married? Already are. 

Post # 29
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

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pancakes11 :  I do agree with what you’ve written- people can and do change, as is evidenced by your own situation. But this also required the passage of time. Your partner was with his ex when he was young and not ready to settle down, now that he’s older, his life goals have evolved over time and are compatible with yours and he wants marriage.

In OP’s case, her boyfriend made it clear to her, during this current relationship, that he still didn’t want marrige or kids (at 36). OP immediately left him over this and then he abruptly had a complete change of heart and did some back-pedalling and claimed he’d be okay with it. 

So yes, absolutely someone can change their mind over marriage and/ or kids. But not overnight. And not with their back against the wall. 

Post # 30
Member
487 posts
Helper bee

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RobbieAndJuliahaha :  Oh totally agree, see my earlier post on page one of this thread. Its actions that are most important, not words. And saying “I’ll commit to you in the future” rolls off peoples tongues when they don’t mean it. 

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