Post # 1
I am posting anonomously today. I married my Boyfriend or Best Friend of four years a little under three months ago. We have been living together for three years and own a house. I didn’t think that things would really change after marriage, and that everything would be great. I was super excited to get married.
I am sitting at work crying today because things have been terrible. We are fighting constantly. Ever since we returned from the honeymoon we have been at each others throats. I’m now realizing that my expectations have changed, and he is completely oblivious. I want us to feel married. I want things to be extra special. I feel like we’re already a bickering old married couple…not the super happy newlyweds we should be.
I’m unhappy with his communication style. He withdraws from conflict and ensuing conversation and I feel ignored. It’s always been an issue for us. Now I find myself getting VERY angry about it because I am his WIFE! He is ignoring his WIFE!!!
I feel like his mother sometimes. With the cooking and the cleaning and nagging him about writing thank you notes, returning calls to family, etc. I don’t want to feel that way. He’s a grown man. Act like it.
I just feel like things aren’t what I thought they would be and I made a mistake. I don’t know what to do. I want to have a happy marriage and I feel like he thinks this is good enough. Our communication styles are completely different and I don’t know how that can be resolved.
It’s been three months and I am sitting here dreading going home to more fighting.
I am so sad, bees. I don’t know how to stop this cycle of bickering and get back to a happy place. Even worse, I feel myself caring less and less about it.
Has anyone been through this? What did you do???
Post # 3
I’m sorry you are feeling this way. The first year of marriage isn’t all puppies and rainbows for most people, it takes real adjusting to being together especially if this is the first time you two have lived together. My husband and I moved right after our wedding and it wasn’t wonderful all the time like you think a new wedding should be. But it gets better with time.
I would consider couple’s counseling so the two fo you can learn to communicate better. Good luck with your marriage.
Post # 4
I’ve had days where I felt like this after the wedding. I think we all have, but you have to remember that your expectations may not be realistic. We all want the relationships we see in the movies, but real life isn’t like that. Marriage is a lot of work, and some days you just have to wake up and DECIDE to love the person next to you, even if you want to strangle them. Work on doing that, and consciously work on your communication. It will get easier!
Post # 5
Are there new things to bicker about since being married versus just living together? If you guys didn’t bicker when it you were just live in SO’s maybe you can work to try and figure out what was going better then.
Was he always this way- requiring mothering that is- and you just never felt pressured to try and make him do things because you weren’t married? I talked to a friend who got a divorce about 1 year after being married and she told me the reason she did it was because she thought things would be different when they got married and he hadn’t anticipated that.
I know everyone says this but sometimes counselling really does help with things, its a neutral person who won’t dislike you for what you tell them and can offer unbias’d advice. If you went into marriage expecting a change and your husband didn’t and he won’t talk to you about it something is going to have to give.
Post # 6
I think you have to take a step back and try to see what changed from before you were married to after you were married. Did you live together before marriage? If so, nothing has really changed except for maybe your expectations. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean he looks at your relationship differently. I think you both need to seek couples counseling to try to work out your communication issues. Getting married does’t automatically solve problems that were there prior to your marriage.
I hope things work out for you!
Post # 7
Ugh.. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this.
My best advice is learn everything you can on having a successful marriage and do your part regardless of him doing his. (easier said than done BUT is the solution)
Resource yourself like CRAZY!
Love & Respect sounds like it would be great for ya’ll.. to help you break the cycle. Read the first part, “C-H-A-I-R-S” (the respect part), and the last part.
A great series we just went through is Indestructible Marriage by Jimmy Evans and really it’s one of the BEST resources I’ve found!
The Love List is a great small book that helps get back to the little things… it gives a few things you should do Daily, Weekly, Monthly, and Yearly and really are little like “touch every day” <– even non-sexual but MAKE THE CONTACT… stuff like this. It’s great!
a gift we got from our pastors was Love for a Lifetime… really easy read and just helps encourage your heart about the reality of the hardwork that marriage takes.. I really really enjoyed it
Resourcing yourself is cheaper than counseling and in many instances can give you better insight (finding a good sound counselor is NOT easy)…
All of the resources are from people with SOLID LASTING marriages so it’s not a “do as I say, but not as I do” but a THIS WORKS!
I know it’s hard not to fight, but do your best to communicate right regardless of his attitude or stance.. bring WATER to the fire and NOT more wood… Again.. easier said than done BUT will help.
Hope these help some… and Goodluck… where you two are today is NOT where you have to stay and it CAN get better 😉 (((hugs)))
ETA: I know it may seem late to the game but Darling Husband and I had a WONDERFUL pre-marital book that goes through each other expectations and that may be a GREAT GREAT thing to help get you two on the same page… The book is like 10 bucks and the 2 worksheets in the very beginning cover all of this SO worth looking into
Preparing for Marriage
Post # 8
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. It sounds like you just realized that maybe you entered into this marriage with the expectation that marriage would change him, and he would suddenly start acting differently or treating you (and your relationship) differently. Do you think he’s being lazier or less communicative with you than before you got married, or he’s acting the same and you just wanted him to act differently?
Regardless, I think you should sit down with him and discuss these issues in a calm, non-blaming manner. I know it sounds cliche, but if you start your sentences with “I feel like…” instead of “you always/never…” he won’t feel like he’s being attacked. Let him know how serious you are about making the relationship happy and healthy, and that you want to feel like you’re working as a team rather than two individuals who have to tolerate eachother. If, for example, housework is something that especially bothers you, then maybe you guys can decide how to split it up (you vacuum and do dishes, he mows the lawn and takes the trash out).
Above all, show him that the most important thing is that you love eachother and want to make eachother happy for the rest of your lives. Good luck!
Post # 9
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve never been through anything similar to this, so I don’t want to offer advice when I don’t know anything about the situation.
You’re both never going to learn to communicate effectively, unless you talk about it. I know that can be easier said than done. I agree with PP’s — where you all having communication issues before you got married? Where you still acting like his mother before you got married? Where you hoping things would CHANGE AFTER you got married? If so, I don’t believe that’s a good reason to get married. You should be happy with your SO before you get married. You can’t change a person that doesn’t want to change themselves and ifhe acted like this before you got married then maybe he thinks he’s doing nothing wrong, since you’re now married.
I would agree with others, maybe get some literature — or speak with an un-biased 3rd party and see if you can work things out.
Post # 10
As far as the mom-type stuff goes, do you think you guys could have a calm discussion about splitting up responsibilities? I find that it really helps me to know what’s expected of me, and what my Fiance has committed to. Now, none of ours are hard and fast rules because we haven’t run into a problem, but in general we’ve agreed to a couple things:
1)The person who cooks doesn’t have to clean up
2)FI walks the dog in the AM
3)I cook pretty much every day unless I’ve had a bad day or exhausted
4)FI takes care of the garbage
For the rest, we try to clean when things start to bother us. And we both remind the other one about stuff (rsvp’s, thank you’s, etc.) So far this is what works for us (although our house could be cleaner). I think if you can try to have a good discussion and come to some agreements about things that work for you guys it could help.
Post # 11
@runsyellowlites: I love book advice! I think I’m going to buy that pre-wedding one! It sounds good, great advice!!
Post # 12
You say you want to “feel married” and have things be “extra special”. Would it help if the two of you planned a date night? Go out, get out of the house, do something fun, and try and reflect on why you wanted to get married in the first place. Of course that’s only a temporary solution, but maybe you just need to keep the spark alive. Every couple goes through ups and downs. The important thing is to keep an open line of communication and take sometime to have fun together. Get away from the cooking and the cleaning and the bills and just enjoy each other. Best of luck!
Post # 13
Thanks for all the responses! I think that I was hoping some things would change, or I would magically feel more bonded to him and less bothered by certain things. I genuinely love my husband and want to be with him. But at the same time we don’t communicate effectively and have very different emotional needs.
I just sat down and watched our wedding video online and started crying. I realize that I have not been treating him lovingly, either. I have been very disrespectful to him because I have felt that my needs aren’t being met (which I know is NOT a mature and healthy reaction).
We’re going to go out for a date night tonight to just get out and stop being so serious and enjoy each other.
I think a big part of the problem is that we’ve pretty much stopped dating.
I’m also going to go to the bookstore this weekend and pick up some of the books suggested. Communication is our biggest issue and if we don’t resolve it, it will destroy our relationship.
I pictured marriage being a big ball of love, fun and easy togetherness. Honestly I’m bummed about the status quo that we have let our marriage have. I’m going to think about the cooking/cleaning issue. I like the idea of listing different responsabilities. The last thing I want to do is be the maid or the nag.
Post # 14
@newwife: This is a dumb question, and I’ll probably get flamed for voicing it, but…
If the communication was an issue BEFORE the marriage, why did you not address it BEFORE the marriage? Same with the other things that have you arguing.
NOTHING changes overnight (unless you’re using C2 and making a bomb…then I can see where there would be a very literal change…). People don’t change overnight, unless they’ve been acting the whole time.
Communication and behavior, something that’s been a constant and is PART of that person (not an act) isn’t going to change by signing a legal document and saying “I do”. There’s no magical wand to be waved that will change someone.
HOWEVER, now that you’re IN this position, you should talk A LOT. Seek counceling, if he’s willing.
You can change YOURSELF, but you can’t MAKE HIM change HIMSELF. Suggest the books to him. Suggest he talk to someone outside your friends/family circle (unless one happens to be good in psychology). Talk to a profession, together and/or seperately.
Good luck and Hugs!!!!
Post # 15
I’m glad you guys have arranged a date night–that will help! Connecting with the things you know and love about each other will remind you of why you got married in the first place.
You said in your first post that *your* expectations changed and, really, that is where the disconnect is coming from. He probably expects everything to continue on as they were but by changing your expectations, it’s like you’ve changed the rules of the game without telling him, he doesn’t play by them and you get hurt.
As women, in general, we tend to do this a LOT and it’s a hard habit to break, but if you can talk yourself around to the idea of accepting him the way he is (after all, we can only change ourselves, not those around us) and give up those expectations you’ll stop feeling so anxious and upset. Exchange those expectations for requests, and only one at a time–don’t overwhelm each other–ask them gently and calmly and lovingly and in a way that he’s going to want to help you or meet you halfway on something.
One more thing on communication styles. You have different ones, yes, and that’s probably not going to change. What CAN change, is your understand of his and vice versa. I love the book the Five Love Languages for this sort of thing. By figuring out how you best communicate you can speak with him in his language and he in yours. It cuts way down on conflict and misunderstandings.
Good luck and hang in there.
Post # 16
If it makes you feel any better….My husband and I went to the Patriots/Giants game last night. I stopped at a porta-potty to to “go” My husband thought it would be a great idea to scare the living shit out of me and shake the thing.
I screamed bloody murder for a good minute.