(Closed) The Honeymoon is Over…Part 1

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 1
Member
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Cliche name, but it really says it all.

So, this is a spin-off from another thread about a Bee who was really struggling with being a newlywed and was surprised to find so many other Bees who are either dealing with the stress or have been through it themselves. We had the idea to have a thread dedicated to the ups and downs of the beginning of marriage. Here, we can talk about all the drama, annoyances and trivial crap that happens in the first few months/ years of marriage and get support from others who are dealing with the same stuff.

Just a couple of things:

1. This is definitely not for spouse bashing, but venting is TOTALLY acceptable.:)

2. If you want to be a “member” of this discussion, start off by introducing yourself and talk a little bit about the headaches you are experiencing with your spouse.

3. Try to keep in mind that not everyone’s marriage is going to “look” the same. Be open minded and constructive.

Okay…I realize I was a little ambitious with the “part 1” but I am hoping we can be there for each other and have some great discussions.

Okay, go!:)

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Post # 3
Member
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Okay, so…I will go first.

The objective: Darling Husband and I have been married for three months. I moved into his rental house after we got married because he gets a much better deal on rent. We didn’t live together before getting married and were dating for about a year and a half. Together, we have three dogs. We are hoping to start TTC this fall as we are both teachers and think having a baby in summer is best.

The good: My husband is a thoughtful, wonderful, well-balanced man. He truly makes me feel special and I am so grateful for him. We had a wonderful wedding…thirteen people on one of California’s most beautiful beaches (Pebble Beach) followed by a dinner party at a really nice French restaurant in Carmel. We originally planned on getting married this April (book a venue, photographer etc) but, decided, that we couldn’t wait to start our lives together…how much more I know now…

The bad:

1. Immediately following our very brief (3 day honeymoon,) I sunk into a pretty bad depression. I just felt numb and lifeless. (I have seasonal affective disorder which does not help.) This eventually gave way to anxiety and a very restless feeling.

2. I wasn’t happy and I was sick and tired of being hammered by the dogs all the time. Darling Husband has a food aggressive, bumbling big dog. Other than his food aggression, he is fine. I mean, I don’t like the shedding and the smell, etc, but if he can put up with my two small dogs, I can accept his. Anyway, his dog attacked my little 5 lb dog and then turned on my husband when he protected her…it was really traumatic. We were set on finding him a new forever home because we didn’t see how it could work with kids. Darling Husband was really set on it and, as time went by, he wanted to rehome the dog less and less. The dog is very protective/aggressive when he is in his crate, too. We have been watching the Dog Whisperer in order to see how we can make the environment more peaceful and we have had some success with all the dogs, but when it comes down to it, the big dog is food aggressive and that makes me fearful with future children. Darling Husband is very aware of this and is prepared to rehome him, but wants to see what he can do first. The dog is always in my business, in my other dogs’ business, so that has added to the stress for SURE.

3. I started to feel like I had lost my identity. I missed my home, my stuff, my schedule…at one point, my husband was holding me because I was crying about feeling bad about being married (not him!) and he was being so sweet.

4. We have had A LOT more bickering since we got married. We have had a spat at a frame store, in front of our house, etc…not dramatic, but, you know, spats… I have trouble letting go afterwards and I tend to compound them all together. Marriage has taught me I am a person of extremes.

5. My husband pours himself a glass of milk and drinks it while he lays in bed last night…

6. Oh and in an effort of total transparency, I farted so loud in bed last night that I woke up both of us. Yeah…kind of embarassing…

 

Post # 4
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

@luckylady3090: I don’t have anything to contribute, as I am still a waiting bee (profound sadness!) but I think this is a great thread. Every stage of relationships have their ups and downs, and a little venting is very healthy. I would find the bedtime milk habit kinda cute (I would probably ask him to go bring me something too), and that last point, you poor thing, I would NEVER get over that. (I’m 100% not a laugh-at-myself kind of type.) I hope your guy had enough sense to act like it didn’t happen, or at least never mention it again. And good luck with your dog situation. Cesar Millan is truly an inspiration. I remember one thing he mentioned is to have the food raised up to the dog’s shoulder height so the dog can’t “claim” it between his paws. 

Post # 5
Member
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Gem_Fem:  Thank you! I hope others can benefit, too! I was pretty embarassed for a moment and asked him why he didn’t laugh and he said, “I didn’t want to wake you up if the fart didn’t.” Haha! I actually do think it’s cute that he drinks milk in bed but at first, I thought it was super weird! Oh, and we were going to try that with the dog. 🙂

 

Post # 6
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@luckylady3090:  Just chiming in here. I was so surprised to read the thread you mentioned, and the comments that followed. I had no idea so many people were going in to marriage having never lived together/balanced budgets together/learned each others quirks/found their independence within a shared home. My Fiance and I have been living together for almost 3 years and thank god for that. We’ve worked through our issues and are now working towards finishing our degrees, and our wedding (which happen in the same several month long period!).

I just couldn’t imagine marrying someone I didn’t know intimately, quirks and living habits and all.

Just a flabbergasted bee here, don’t mind me.

Post # 7
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@luckylady3090:  

Can I just say that I love this thread and I love your honesty but also that you want it to be a positive place to chitchat(not spouse bash)

I am recently married and I don’t feel like anythings changed however now I have to decide if I take his name.

1. Background we were married a couple of weeks ago. Now its back up here to the arctic (I hate the winter). I moved here about 9 months ago despite that fact that I would now have to drive 7 hours every weekend to attend grad school. There are no good jobs up here for me……which unfortunately means I have to be suzy homemaker. I dream of next year when I finish school and I GET to pick where we live. I say that with much emphasis because it’s finally time for me. I have an 11 year old which means we have even more of a new dynamic to adjust too. She also had to move away from all of her friends and her school and her speech and language specialist. We have been together for 3 years and are in our early to mid 30’s.

2. I no longer have an income so I have to ask him for money all of the time (which he has no problem with but I hate doing it).

3. Last night I said we need to order a new dishwasher and he asked when he gets a present. I asked if he thought the dishwasher is considered a present for me? He said yes!

4. Lately he needs a lot of attention and affection and follows me every where I go. We also have a dog that acts that we, she’s even figured out how to push the door open in the bathroom. Ummm hello creepy little weiner dog…..privacy please!

5. Now for the biggest issue after the wedding. Half of my centerpieces at the wedding were stolen by family members at my wedding (after I told them no) some of these people also helped themselves to the wine that was left over. This was kind of the last straw for my relationship with my extended family. When I got married it was all jokes and rude comments like are you pregnant? how did you force this guy to marry you? This is a surprise we assumed you were gay. Now my cousin got engaged and they are all so excited and giving congratulations saying lets go out and get drinks. 

6. It is so cold here I do not want to leave the house unless I have to, I think this winter is getting on all of our nerves and were all a little cranky.

Post # 8
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2013

The first year of cohabitation can be hard when there are some lifestyle differences between partners and/or when the relationship is still new! 

I got married last July, but started living with my then fiance/now husband about a year ago, right after our engagement that happened 18 months into our relationship. Yes, I was not into cohabiting without a serious commitment, but we did a temporary three-month “test run” the summer before getting engaged so that we had an idea of what would be easy and what would be more difficult if we were to get married. For example we discovered that we needed a man-cave for the hubby, and plenty of personal/solitary time. We also realized that household chores would be easily divided and shared.

Six weeks after our wedding my amazing husband made a mistake, nothing tragic, but enough to trigger terrible feelings of disappointment. I knew right away that I was forgiving him but it was hard to go through these difficult feelings so early in our marriage. It took me a lot of energy to get over it as quickly as possible, while still having the discussions needed to avoid a repeat somewhere down the line.

It actually helped us getting to know each other’s values in more depth, and going through the difficult time made our couple stronger. In terms of cohabitation, I’d say that we were pretty much fully adjusted 10 months in and the man-cave is worth every penny : )

Post # 9
Member
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@jessdoxy:  Hi!

Geez!  I was devastated when it was under 20 degrees here…you are a trooper! Where do you want to move to next year?

As far as the dishwasher thing, I totally get it! We live in an old house and we (he) washes all the dishes by hand. I would love to have a portable one but he said she would rather spend the money on something fun…because washing dishes is fun?!?!?

Post # 10
Member
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@PeachRooibos:  Yeah, Darling Husband has a mancave until we have a baby…I told him to enjoy it while he can!;)

Post # 11
Member
483 posts
Helper bee

@PenultimateWhisk:  I’m still a waiting bee and have been dating my SO for 7 years. We have never lived together or shared a bank account during that time. I can understand how that would surprise people, but honestly, I don’t think it will make or break a relationship. People have been doing it that way for years, afterall. We have been dating for such a long time, and there have been times when he has helped me out financially, and I have helped him out. Of course, I stay with him or he stays at my house from time to time. Honestly, we have been dating for so long, we just want there to be something to look forward to once we are married. I think you can still get to know someone pretty intimately and not have to live with that person.  🙂

 

Post # 12
Member
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@PenultimateWhisk:  Yup, different strokes for different folks! I always knew I didn’t want to live with someone before getting married because I thought it was more romantic and exciting to set up a life together after marriage. I am also very traditional in my values but don’t expect others to feel the same way. It has had its difficulties, thus the reason for this thread ;), but I am glad we did. Marriage is just tough no matter what and love is always a risk…I would have married him even without knowing his little quirks like drinking milk in bed.

 

I would like to emphasize that whether you lived together or not before marriage doesn’t matter, join on in!

 

Post # 14
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@luckylady3090:  I am not entirely sure where we will move to. I am leaning towards someplace with a milder climate. However it all hinges on work, I need to find a psychotherpy position that I can thrive at and he needs to find a clinic that he can buy out or start one up. More than likely I will move to test the waters at the new location (wherever that may be) and he will tie up the loose ends at his clinic and with selling our current home. 

I have been stalking realtor.com looking at homes all over. 

Last week we found a snake in our house but he snuck into a hold in the wood work so he was rogue in our home for over a week. One good thing about the cold was not as many insects or snakes etc. So if I’m dealing with them in frigid temps I may as well move a few states down and enjoy a little warmthSmile

Post # 15
Member
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@jessdoxy:  I would not be able to sleep! Haha…I am a whimp!

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