(Closed) The Honeymoon is Over…Part 1

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 33
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@luckylady3090:  Wow, I don’t think I could handle living in the same city as my ILs, let alone down the street!  Do you worry about that becoming an issue as time progresses, or if you plan on having kids?

Post # 34
Member
930 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Little_Nut88:  I think its a really good thing! My ILs live in town just 10 minutes away. If we have kids – I think it will be a godsend to have them that close. However my IL’s are so respectful of our boundaries. My heart goes out to bees who’s IL’s are not so wonderful.

Post # 35
Bee
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012 - Oak Tree Manor

@luckylady3090:  Yeah, same! Darling Husband and I waited to move in togehter until we got married, because we wanted to have something to look forward to. We haven’t had any issues living together – I think we’re really lucky about that! Honestly, most of our arguments are about family stuff. We’re totally fine and agree 100% on money issues, living together, etc., but we have some boundary problems with our two families.

I really, really hate when people belittle us for not living together before we got married. It’s our choice, not theirs – and we’re perfectly happy now that we are married and do live together! Sheesh, I wish everyone would stop judging everyone else’s relationships.

@priyawouldntwannabeya:  We had a really similar relationship timeline – Darling Husband proposed after we had been dating ~10 or 11 months, we got married 11 months after he proposed, and now we’ve been married for a little over a year. So we’ve been together about 3 years. Never once have I doubted him or our relationship, we both knew very very soon that we wanted to marry each other, and it just felt so natural.

Post # 36
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@priyawouldntwannabeya:  Yes, the respecting of boundaries is key… “good fences make good neighbours” and all that.  After a couple instances of my inlaws not being so respectful of boundaries (particularly when we moved into our house) I’m always kind of on guard against potential issues.  I’m sure if we have kids one day it would be fine, but I’m still a little on edge just thinking about it.

Post # 37
Member
930 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Little_Nut88:  Yes that’s tough. I am not sure how I would even handle that. In spite of being only 10 minutes apart, I see my Mother-In-Law maybe once a week max. I see Father-In-Law probably 5 times/week though. They NEVER come over without calling first, when they do come over they always knock and would never just let themselves in. On top of it all – I really like them, which is great!

Maybe your husband could gently set some ground rules for them? It would be so nice to have the ‘drop the kids off at grandmas’ option down the road!

 

Post # 38
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@priyawouldntwannabeya:  That’s awesome, I’m glad it works well for you! 

With my ILs it’s been more an issue of them not respecting the decisions that we make, and who like to tell us what we “should” do, whereas my parents aren’t really like that, so I find it really hard to handle.  I think dealing with wedding stuff showed them that they can’t do that with me.

Post # 39
Member
930 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Little_Nut88:  Good for you! You are a married adult and more than capable of making decisions without input from anyone but your husband! That would drive me a bit batty.

Post # 40
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@luckylady3090:  DH and I have been married for 4 months now and its awesome.  We also lived together first, for 2 years.  I knew a long time ago that I would live with my husband before I married him.  I had heard about how hard the first year is, blah blah blah.  So when I was dating Darling Husband, in the first few months, I mentioned that I would live with my fiance before ever getting married for at least a year.  He was totally against that.  He said he would never live with a woman unless he was married to her.  Boy did that change quick!  He ‘moved in” with me for a few months in college til he got his now job.  It was great.  We got along super well.  Then we had a LDR for a year and a half and then I moved into his house.  He was still my bf at the time, but he asked and I knew it would be best for us financially and relationship wise.  We got engaged 2 months later and a few months after that we had our first BIG fights.  We stopped walking on egg shells with eachother and started actually being us.  It was a lot of compromising that we had to do and it was hard.  Really hard.  But after a year of all that BS we finally really knew eachother and started planning our wedding.  We have been together for almost 6 years now and I love him more and more ๐Ÿ™‚   It gets better, but you have to work at it.  Marriage isnt a fairytale.  Good luck to ya.  Oh, I stil hate when Darling Husband plays xbox and how I have to call him to the dinner table 5 mins before dinner is even done cause it takes him that long to get off the computer…THEN he has to find something on tv to watch before he will even sit down.  Yeah.  ANNOYING!!!!!

Post # 41
Member
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My husband and I got married 7 months ago, but we are coming up on our 9 year dating anniversary. We also have a son together that’s about to turn 8 (our relationship moves very fast in the beginning). 

We’ve lived together for almost the entire 9 years, and we’ve shared finances for about 8 years…so nothing much has changed on that front. We are in our “forever” home (at least until we retire we think), and we both have good jobs..no more school or anything.

for a little while immediately after the wedding I was in a bit of a funk. I think if I’m being honest it’s because we had such a nice time on our honeymoon and I was sad that it was over. Because we got together when I was young (21) and had our son almost right away, we didn’t get a whole lot of “alone time” that other couples talk about. Don’t get me wrong, our son is the best kid ever and I’m so happy we did things the way we did (I’m only going to be 40 when he goes off to college), but being alone on our honeymoon for almost two weeks, which was our longest vacation alone together, it really made me a bit sad for what we missed In the beginning. If that makes sense?

anyways, that little funk didn’t last long because of course we got back into our routine and our life is actually pretty great, but it was a tough little while for me.

lately I’m finding now that we are married and our son is growing up a bit (as in he’s not a LITTLE kid anymore), I find we are talking more about our retirement and our future long term, which we never really did before. Before we got married we only really talked about the next big life event (vacations, new houses, new cars, jobs, etc) we didn’t really do any long term planning. It’s a bit strange for me to think of retirement when it’s still 30+ years off, but it’s been very good for our relationship to talk through these things. And it actually helped pull me out my funk. I realized that while we may have given up some time at the beginning of our relationship to start a family right away, we will have SO many years with just the two of us in our future, and we will both still be young enough to do all the things we want to.

other then that, there’s not much else thats different now that we’re married. I sure do love calling him my husband tho…that was something I didn’t expect to enjoy so much. 

I never thought our relationship/bond would change after we got married because we’ve been together for so long…but it truly has. It’s a different kind of bond and its hard to explain.

Post # 42
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@PenultimateWhisk:  I feel the same way!

My Fi and I have been together for 5 years and living together for 4 1/2 and let me tell you it was so hard their were times I had to really think “can I deal with this forver?” Especially since his mother is bat s#*t crazy. lol I knew he was the one, but living togeher is hard, I can only imagine being newly married and having to go through all those surprises! ie: how to handle money, quirks, pet peeves etc..

I raise a glass to you ladies who don’t live with your boys prior (and don’t smother them with a pillow)! ๐Ÿ˜‰

 

Post # 43
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@priyawouldntwannabeya:  I remember having a very similar feeling…like…I can’t just walk away if things get hard! ๐Ÿ™‚ It takes some time to adjust to that. Especially when you’ve spent the bulk of your 20s as an idependent person. 

Post # 44
Member
727 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@luckylady3090:  Ick, that thing with the nail tech would have annoyed me sooo much! I dont  know if I could hae tipped her. I would definitely call and pt in a complaint after. Not before bc I’m paranoid and would not want to upset anyone until my nails were completely done! It’s funny, I get a lot more judgment online, probably bc of the annonimity in real life it’s like “oh you didnt live together? ok” or at most “wow, i could never do that!” geez, it’s not like it’s a huge deal! I spent 3-4 nights a week at my husband’s place and was fully aware of most of these quirks, it’s just now we’re in each otehr’s hair EVERY day and tehre is no where to go.. The sandlot kid is totally right it’s FOR-EVER.  haha, sometimes the idea of permanence is like ahhh! Can I live my whole life with a slow-talker?!? But then I remember that slow-talker is also that really funny guy who can always make me laugh, supports me, and is always willing to talk things out and so much much more. 

 

As for my case of the “lonelies,” I have a great support network of wonderful friends and we have a group text and chat every day. I also get together with a friend every wednesday to work on dissertation. I just signed up to go back to one of my old jobs and do presentations at schools and just an hour ago stopped by a retirrement home near my apt to see if I can volunteer there! And of course, weekends are often full of friends sooo I’m trying to fill up my life ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 45
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

So . . . it sounds like most of you had a very easy transition to living together?  Mine was not so easy.  In fact, almost 3 years in it’s still hard on occasion.

We got engaged 3 months after we met, moved in together 6 months later, and got married 2 months after that.  When we got married I was 38 and he was 41.

Neither of us had ever lived with a significant other.  He moved into my condo, which is a 623 square foot one bedroom.  We had each lived alone and been happily independent for 15 years prior.  So yes, it was hard!  Hard to share space, hard to figure out how much time we needed together vs. alone, hard to get used to how someone else does things around the house.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Post # 46
Member
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Darling Husband & I got married in July after 8 1/2 years together, 5 yrs living together. In our day to day life it doesn’t seem much has changed except we are more caring & lovey dovey. We both felt the commitment was there well before the wedding, it just solidified and legalized it. But we have had a rough few months already.

1)We had to close down our retail store last month after nearly 4 years because it just wasn’t making money. It was paying for itself sure, but Darling Husband was working alone nearly 7 days a week without being paid that whole time & it was wearing on us both. It’s been closed for just under a month now and we both feel hugely relieved to not have those bills anymore and be able to actually save money instead of spending it all. Luckily we didn’t take out any loans or cards for it so we aren’t in alot of debt but we do have vendors on consignment we still have to pay back, but we’re talking maybe $2K which is alot less than most people closing a store end up in debt… 

2)We both were facing misdemeanor charges for sales of alcohol without a permit during one of our store’s non-profit art events (city wide monthly thing). We had thought we didn’t need a permit if the $$ was for a non-profit donation. Man were we wrong, he got arrested literally a month before the wedding and our court date was 3 days after the honeymoon. we got an attorney, which cost us another $1,500, and just found out this week she was able to get the DA to dismiss my charges, and drop one of his (he was also arrested for public intoxication- behind the desk at his own store- and the cops were total assholes about it- even threatened to arrest me if I didn’t stop recording them) if he pleads guilty to the permit issue. Good news, but we really don’t have any more $$ to pay the court for the fine after paying $1,500 for the attny. So while we both want to not think about the situation anymore it’s there, lurking, until we have the money to pay it, hopefully next month. =(

3)Partly because of the above two issues, and other things, we still haven’t paid off any of my credit card debt incurred nearly 6 yrs ago when we moved out here from GA. After the wedding when I had time to really evaluate where we are financially it hit me hard and I felt totally helpless and a little depressed. I was making $400+ payments a month to ONE card and only about $50 of that was going to the prinicpal. I’m doing a ton of research to take control back and pay that off asap. 

4)We both want kids and Darling Husband is already 41- soon to be 42- and it’s kind of stressful when I think about how much debt we have, how little savings bc we were both stuck in the rut of pay & ignore, and how little time we have (his father died in his 50’s). I’m also feeling restless at my job. I’ve been here for 5+ yrs in the same position and get paid decently, but there is zero opportunity for advancement, ever. Our legal assistants in another office have been in the same position for over 30 yrs. This becomes stressful when I look into similar jobs with movement potential but pay a good $5 less an hour than I now make- which barely pays the bills. 

5)We can’t afford health insurance for DH- to add him to my shitty $3,500 deductible plan (which would bump my deductible up to $7,000) was over $250/month! We are trying to not spend $$ so we both frustrated we can’t do our usual hanging out at shows or trips with friends. This also ties into the baby issue- how the hell could we ever afford to have a baby if I have to shell out $7,000 before insurance will pay a damn penny? It compounds when I see my failure of a step sister’s 5 kids she had 100% for free because she’s a druggie on welfare. I mean, if I lost my job I could go on welfare and we could have a baby for nearly free too! instead we are responsible and working to make the right decisions at the right time. 

As far as our marriage goes, it’s been great. We aren’t fighting, and it has caused us to talk alot about priorities, our goals/plans, and how we can help the other de-stress. But damn if that isn’t alot of shit to deal with less than one year in!

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