- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2017
Hello lovely ladies of the hive. I am at a rock and a hard place. I will try to make this as brief as possible but I am in need of help.
I have snooped on my Fiance almost feeling addicted at times because of the knowing information or who he was talking to and chatting with. I will highlight the significant events I feel have added to the breakdown of our relationship.
He was on a site called Tagged, Adultfriendfinder and craigslist personals. I had no knowledge of this until one day I am on his computer and the auto fill in put in the sites that he visited. About a year ago we went through a whole spill. I wasn’t able to make love to him one morning due to being late for work and I discovered he was chatting xxx with some chick from Facebook and they exchanged pictures of their private parts. He was acting a little distant that night when I went over his place. I looked at the computer and almost lost it. It felt like I had lost my mind. It took me about 4 months to recover and not bring it up. He confessed that he had masturbated while chatting with her.
I begged him to get off the site. He saw how in a rage I was..I believe he was scared out of his wits I was going to leave. He apologized for hurting me and he said he did get of them. Things were fine for a while. I always noticed him on his phone/computer when I was over but I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. Six months had passed. Things were better but I noticed whenever we were arguing he would go into a shell not talk to me for about a week and close me off like I didn’t exist. (no calls, barely texting, definitely no sex). We do not live together so this was like torture…like he was a kid trying to prove a point.
I began to suspect that he was communicating with women again online.
When I was alone at his home I looked at his computer and saw him exchanging phone numbers, asking people about meeting up, sending out his picture and having casual conversations like he really knew these women. I thought I would die.
I asked him was he still doing it and he said no he is off the sites. I couldn’t believe how he was lying to my face. I busted him out and we didn’t talk for a week and he told me he couldn’t trust me.
I went to counseling twice (one man, one woman) about trust issues and snooping and each time they didn’t address the snooping..they addressed his emotional cheating and only wanted to know what I had discovered in my “digs”.
I had the phone number of one particular woman. I called her and we talked for an hour. She said they had been talking for a year. She said they had been talking and admitted to having sex and when I text him that he could have her he flew into a rage and stopped talking to me for almost a month. Never admitting any wrong doing but saying he barely knew her. I know his voicemail code which has given me a whole nother insight on things.
I promised not to call anyone anymore and he promised things wasn’t what they appeared and she was no one. Little by little his behavior improved and although I think he was still on the site I didn’t believe it was as much because emotionally he was engaging more and trying with more effort.
So this New Years Eve, I wanted to really believe that we would go into this new year proud of mending out relationship and could move forward from these ads and websites (although I think he chats on facebook).
I logged into the tagged account and could not believe my eyes.
I saw that when we had an argument a few months ago he had told someone he wasn’t in a relationship.
Then two days prior to me looking he was back chatting with people on there. And in his email naked pictures of a female from Facebook who he says he thought it was me catfishing him so he asked he to send pics and she sent those.
I told him if you had already accepted her as a Facebook friend why were you sending new photos of yourself and giving her a google voice number?
He couldn’t answer the question. And in a Craiglist ad months before, he had given some his number, photo and email in a (wfmm) posting. He said his cousin had did it ..which I don’t believe.
When I confronted him he blew up and New Year’s Eve was a bust. I could have kept it to myself but I felt this cycle has to end.
So now he says we are on a pause. A pause from everything.
He says he can’t trust me in his home anymore. I also told him I have things to think about too which he definitely didn’t like.
We hadn’t seen each other for two weeks. I went over, made dinner, he avoided talking about it and said he didn’t deserve the dinner.
We made love the other day and now he’s right back to the silent treatment saying he needs more time and no to rush it.
He has not apologized for any of this but instead has said that he can no longer trust me in his home. It has been almost 3 weeks and he said this is a process he is going to have to work through. I told him we should break up and he said he doesn’t want to. He wants me to hang in there through this.
However after he’s said we are on pause..I have heard voicemails from females about him coming over to hang out or seeing them (mind you I know none of his female friends). I know that they are his Facebook friends and a couple he has said he talked to at one time. How can he take a pause from us but be communicating with other females? Also one of the females is from the tagged website that he gave his number to and he told her on the site he would text her and now she’s calling him.
And when I asked him is he talking to anyone he says I’m assuming and no.
I am stuck in a hard place. I really thought this year was going to be different. I am going out of state next week and I am making plans to travel. I don’t want to be held hostage to a situation where a man doesn’t respect me and I don’t want to turn into a serial snooper. After being friends for 10 years 2 ½ yrs on our 2nd go-around I am feeling hopeless. I never knew that the internet would affect us like this. I believe that when he gets mad at us he runs to these women that praise him or telling how handsome and charming that is.
I am thinking the best thing for me to do is to not tell him and walk away and just let him be with his internet hoes and see how that goes for him.
I have deactivated my facebook, put up a site blocker so I won’t visit the websites and I have been doing trust exercises and going back in my own history about trust from books written by two highly recommended physiatrists. I am even signed up to attend a women’s therapy group.
From the outside looking in, is this relationship doomed? Can it be repaired? I feel like I can’t be admitting my faults and he doesn’t. It seems like he only acts right partly when I get irate with him like scolding him profusely like a child and I don’t have the energy for that anymore. He says that I am rushing when I say we need to talk about what’s going on.
I don’t want to wait another 3 weeks or another month if I am working on me but he is talking to people and not doing any inward work. I asked him to go to counseling over and over and he says no. I am 39, he is 42. I’m just lost. He has not told anyone about this and I feel its becuase he doesnt want to put himself out there like that since he likes for people to believe he is a model person.