- 5 years ago
- Wedding: November 2011
I just got a call from my divorce lawyer. My spousal support hearing was scheduled for tomorrow, but apparently XH’s (I can’t believe I’m calling him that) lawyer can’t make a phone call in to court, so it’s off. So I won’t be headed in to see a judge for my suit. Hopefully it works out still, since I’m in need of money.
But what I didn’t expect was this overwhelming feeling of grief. I won’t ever hear or talk to him again. I think a part of me is still in love with him, still in love with being in love. And now everything will be done through lawyers. I’ll never see him again. Part of me just wants to see him, to ask him if he ever actually loved me, to find out why he didn’t come back to me. Why did he make a vow to love me until death do us part, only to turn around and determine that life is better living with his parents? Why did he love me so much, and give me such a beautiful wedding, and beautiful dreams for the future, just to have them stripped away painfully? Why did he devestate me, break my heart, rip my dreams from me?
We were trying to concieve, we wanted to bring a life into this world. He became a member of our church the same day I did, and promised to forever love God, and follow his commandments. But when he left, he told me he never loved God, but only said those things to make me happy. I wonder if our wedding vows even meant anything to him.
There are times when I look at what went wrong, and say that I am glad to be rid of him. The times when he was violently angry, when he hit me, when he pushed me down and my head hit the hard floor. I have a broken door in my apartment from his anger. He ran off twice, running to the comfort of his parents house, because marriage was too hard for him to deal with. None of this was apparent before we married – he was always fine until we said I Do. He couldn’t manage money, was lazy, slept all the time, only wanted to eat out, loved spending money, couldn’t understand saving for the future. Fun to him was going to a bar nightly.
I am sobbing today. I feel like grief is happening all over again. And I hate grief. I’ve gone through two months of it, so bad that I wanted to kill myself. And now to go through it all over again, with his rules, no communication, no closure. This hurts so bad. I feel like my heart is being ripped to shreds. And I don’t know how to deal with it.