(Closed) The journey of moving on….part 2

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Bees,

I just got a call from my divorce lawyer.  My spousal support hearing was scheduled for tomorrow, but apparently XH’s (I can’t believe I’m calling him that) lawyer can’t make a phone call in to court, so it’s off.  So I won’t be headed in to see a judge for my suit.  Hopefully it works out still, since I’m in need of money.

But what I didn’t expect was this overwhelming feeling of grief.  I won’t ever hear or talk to him again.  I think a part of me is still in love with him, still in love with being in love.  And now everything will be done through lawyers.  I’ll never see him again.  Part of me just wants to see him, to ask him if he ever actually loved me, to find out why he didn’t come back to me.  Why did he make a vow to love me until death do us part, only to turn around and determine that life is better living with his parents?  Why did he love me so much, and give me such a beautiful wedding, and beautiful dreams for the future, just to have them stripped away painfully?  Why did he devestate me, break my heart, rip my dreams from me?  

We were trying to concieve, we wanted to bring a life into this world.  He became a member of our church the same day I did, and promised to forever love God, and follow his commandments.  But when he left, he told me he never loved God, but only said those things to make me happy.  I wonder if our wedding vows even meant anything to him.

There are times when I look at what went wrong, and say that I am glad to be rid of him.  The times when he was violently angry, when he hit me, when he pushed me down and my head hit the hard floor.  I have a broken door in my apartment from his anger.  He ran off twice, running to the comfort of his parents house, because marriage was too hard for him to deal with.  None of this was apparent before we married – he was always fine until we said I Do.  He couldn’t manage money, was lazy, slept all the time, only wanted to eat out, loved spending money, couldn’t understand saving for the future.  Fun to him was going to a bar nightly.  

I am sobbing today.  I feel like grief is happening all over again.  And I hate grief. I’ve gone through two months of it, so bad that I wanted to kill myself.  And now to go through it all over again, with his rules, no communication, no closure.  This hurts so bad.  I feel like my heart is being ripped to shreds.  And I don’t know how to deal with it.

 

Post # 3
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I would suggest going to see a counselor. They will be able to help you sort through all of the things you are feeling.

I am so terribly sorry  that you are going through all of this.

Post # 4
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@arsing89:  I’ve exhausted all avenues in trying to get a counselor, but I just cannot find one unless I’m private pay, which I can’t afford.  Thanks though.

Post # 5
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m really sorry sweetie. I read through some of your old posts, and all I can say is that the mental issues he has are extremely difficult to deal with & severe personality changes are common with the disorders he has. I’m sure that he loved you, and meant his vows. Religiously…often with personality disorders people go through phases with religion too. I wish I had advice for you, but all I can really say is that you deserve stability in your life, and he is unable to provide that for you. God has a funny way of pushing us into the lives we’re supposed to lead. It hurts now, but you have wonderful things ahead of you. Try to talk to your pastor, friends, & family often and build a community of support. It will get better, stay strong.

Post # 6
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@nyscpa2be:  I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.  I know this is hard, but perhaps “his” rule that the two of you have no communication may actually be the best thing for the both of you. You were abused and it is usually best for victims of abuse not to have contact with their abusers.  I know that you really miss him right now, but there will come a day when you won’t anymore.  Someday you’ll be COMPLETELY glad to be rid of this man, especially after you’ve moved on with someone who you’ll have a healthy relationship with.  It’s heartbreaking that you didn’t know that your husband was like this before you married him but sometimes that’s just how it goes and it isn’t your fault.  Perhaps it isn’t even really HIS fault either.  Mental illness is an extremely powerful and sometimes unpredictable thing.

As for the whole part about the vows, it’s sad but a LOT of people don’t actually mean their vows–they’re only saying whatever they have to say to get married.  Your husband is certainly not the only one who was insincere about it although that doesn’t make it right.  It’s also entirely possible that he DID mean his vows at the time and perhaps now he doesn’t anymore as a result of the mental illness he appears to be suffering from (if I remember correctly from your previous posts).  The best you can do is mean your own vows and someday you will find someone who will be worthy of them, someone who will also mean his vows in return. 🙂

Try to believe me when I tell you that better days lie ahead.  You WILL get through this.  Hang in there.  We’re here for you.

Post # 7
Member
2654 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m so very sorry that you’re going through this. I understand this grief. It’s completely normal, and you should allow yourself to grieve. The death of any major relationship, let alone a marriage, is a terrible event. My thoughts are with you. ((Hugs))

Post # 8
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

This quote always give me comfort. 

“Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final”
 
 You’re going to be ok. One day it will hurt less.  

Post # 9
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Oh, I am so sorry for the heartache you are going through. I am sure you are having trouble reconciling the man you once loved with the man who was so rotten, and even abusive. It sounds like once you got married, his true personality came out. Everyone says you are better without him, and they are right. A man who treats a wife like that, a man whose wife cannot feel safe with him, does not deserve to be married. You have to believe this, and realize that everyday it will get just a little bit easier.

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