(Closed) The Just Knew Factor

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
357 posts
Helper bee

I had that “just knowing” feeling with my husband. I’m absolutely sure that if my husband hadn’t come along I would’ve met someone else however I also feel definitively that he wouldn’t have been as amazing as my husband is to me.

Post # 17
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - Seattle, WA

I knew straight away. I went through a super fun period of sleeping around (not sarcasm, it was a really great time in my early twenties), then I was in an abusive relationship, then chose to be single for two years. We went on one date and I knew immediately – I fist pumped in tbe car on the way home.

We got married seven months later and we’re coming up to two years, so we haven’t been married for decades or anything but yeah. He’s the guy!

Post # 21
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I was with my husband for many years before we got married. I actually didn’t want marriage at first and neither did he. I had seen my mom in a few failed marriages so I was pretty afraid of getting married. I stayed with my husband because I wanted to be with him. We ended up getting married many years later. I wasn’t “waiting around” for a proposal. I also couldn’t say that I knew he was “the one” at an early point. I had seen way too many abusive relationships so I had to wait and take my time to make sure he was someone to trust. 

Post # 22
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2021

Short answer – while I don’t believe in soul mates – I know I’ve found the one.

Long – story time answer:

Me and my boyfriend met on an online forum right after both of us got out bad long term relationships. He was 30 and I’m about 26 at the time and both had that over hanging feeling of “the next person I date has to be my future spouse.”

We didn’t start to talk with the idea that we would date. He lived in the UK and I back in Sweden so there was no illusion that we would be more than “complaint friends.” And complain we did. We shared just about everything to this stranger online – a lot things we couldn’t talk about with people we knew in real life. We also flirted a lot and I had a bit of a crush on him and everytime I recived an email I was all giggly.

I think we both knew that we found the right person when we spoke on the phone the first time. He booked a flight to Sweden as soon as he could because the connection we had was too good to waste on a maybe. For one and a half year we spent hours on the phone and met up any time we had enough time off to fly over. I “gave up” my entire life back in Sweden and moved to the UK one year ago (one year anneversary on the move next Thursday to be exact). While I sometimes hate living here it’s all worth it for “the one”. We’re getting married next July and I’m half waiting for the official proposal (for reasons better left to another discussion we had to set a wedding date – and we knew we were already getting married so we skipped the ring part until my boyfriend got his new, better paid, job).

As a conclusion – while I don’t believe in soul mates – I know I’ve found the one. If things were not to work out “until death do us apart” I strongly doubt I will date again. I know that might sound negative – but I know myself too well. I low-key hate people and it’s one of the reasons I don’t really keep friends. So when I get THAT connection with someone it’s serious. My boyfriend and I are the complete opposite as people but at the same time we have so much in common. It’s the perfect balance I wouldn’t want to chance in finding in another human being. That and he’s the most handsome person I’ve ever seen – a girl can be lucky, right?

Post # 23
Member
2237 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I don’t believe in soul mates or the ‘one’. I met DH when I was 20 and I’d had one serious (but short) relationship and a few flings before him. At 18 with my ex, I didn’t want to get married ever. However, if he’d asked I would have probably said yes because we had a very toxic relationship – the only way I can describe my feelings for my ex is that they were like an addiction. I’d have probably said yes but out of a fear of saying no would mean losing him but not because I actually wanted to marry him. We’d probably have been divorced within the year and I’d probably have determined that my 18 year old self was very wise to never want to get married. Fortunately we broke up before that was an issue.

When I met my husband, we didn’t immediately like each other, we bumped into each other but didn’t have a conversation for many weeks. When we had our first conversation, I lost track of time as I was enjoying talking to him so much. I’d never had such an instant connection to someone and it felt like I’d known him forever. I went out that night and flirted with some guys because the connection scared me a bit (only recently broken up with my ex) but none of them even came close to capturing my attention. DH and I kept bumping into each other including in a club, I refused to kiss him then as I figured something would happen and didn’t want our first kiss to be when we’d been drinking.

Within a few weeks of dating, we had the conversation if this was going to be serious otherwise there was no point being a distraction for our final year of university. I’d already told DH I didn’t want to get married but could see myself coming round to the idea to someone like him. However, I didn’t ‘just know’ then. The feelings were intense at the beginning but we dated for a long time while we worked out if it was right. We got engaged after 4.5 years dating. So after that amount of time I wouldn’t expect to see myself walking down the aisle to anyone but him.

I still haven’t met someone and had the same instant connection with them. However, that doesn’t mean it’s not out there. Even if I did meet someone and have that instant connection again, it’s now not going to compare to the instant connection plus a decade of being together, assuming we’re still happy. So it’s always going to be weighted to my husband now. Had I not met my husband when I did, I think I would have eventually come round to the idea of marriage and been looking for someone compatible.

There is a novel called the Versions of Us by Laura Barnet which captures quite nicely how I feel about compatibility, fate and choice in love. All of which I think combine when choosing a partner.

Post # 24
Member
716 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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@blossoming87:  I’ve “just known” and been seriously mistaken. I firmly believe that it’s 50% lust, 50% projection when you “just know”. It can work out because lust can turn into love, and your projections may be spot on. It can just as easily cause you to overlook serious red flags and cause you constantly chase that initial feeling of “sureness”. I think it’s lovely to enjoy such feelings, but treat them with a small amount of caution. 

With my SO I always felt comfortable, safe and like I could be myself. We laughed our heads off on our first date and were very compatible in bed. I took these as excellent signs and they were. 

Post # 25
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

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@blossoming87:  My husband and I met online and talked on the phone for hours every night in the week or so leading up to meeting for our first date. We both said it would be our last first date. I was head over heels in love and I knew he was the one for me. He was more cautious after those first couple of weeks because of a previous relationship. I do believe in soulmates and I feel like we were meant to be together. 

Post # 26
Member
1039 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I felt like our first date was amazing, and by the 2nd date I had a feeling it would be long term and joked to my colleagues that he was my “future husband” after about a month lol and they all called him that. Turns out we were in a relationship for 6 years before he proposed, married at 8 years now together almost 10. I also believe there’s a number of partners who could have been suitable but as some other ppl have said, had a strong chemistry and connection from the 1st date! 

Post # 27
Member
2278 posts
Buzzing bee

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@blossoming87:  ah ok I think I misread the q. 

ok when I was breaking up with my long term ex, I remember thinking I may never find someone that I have such an amazing connection and chemistry with. I reached a point where I accepted that. I was like as good as our connection is, this relationship is toxic and I’d rather be with someone that I have less of that special “connection” with but treats me well than stay in this terrible relationship and marry this asshole. 

I met my husband about a year later and my connection with him is more special and powerful than it was with my ex. By the time he proposed (a little over a year into dating), I was confident he was “the one” and that he ticked every box. That’s not to say there aren’t other humans on this earth that could potentially be as good of a fit, I suppose. Again, I thought my ex was the perfect fit for me in terms of chemistry… until I met my husband. Hope this helps answer your question. 

Post # 28
Member
897 posts
Busy bee

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@blossoming87:  

 

Uh, you definitely shouldn’t accept a proposal “because we’ve dated for a long time.” Rather there should be reasons why you chose to date that person for that period of time, that explain why you think you will make a great team for the rest of your lives. 

That’s not incompatible with thinking that it would be possible to find a different person. I love my husband. He is wonderful– kind, supportive, creative, generous, smart, sexy, open-minded, empathetic, interested in others and the world. I know he thinks of me in the same way. I’ve always told him that if I died, I fully expect him to locate the many other awesome women in this world and build a life with one of them, and that I know he can do it. We have a wonderful relationship. But there are billions of humans beings. Of course he could have a great, fulfiling relationship with some other person in this world. It’s just that we were lucky enough to be the ones doing it together. 

Post # 29
Member
848 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2021 - Australia

I agree with the others that I’ve thought I’ve ‘just known’ before and been very, very wrong. I’ve also, I like to think, improved at picking, and identifying a good quality human being.

I was single for years before I met my fiance. I dated, but hadn’t been in a relationship longer than a few months in maybe… four or five years when he and I met, but I’d characterize myself as having been single for closer to 10 years. As a result, I looked for every red flag there might be. I analysed and reviewed every interaction. I was fairly sure it wouldn’t work out for an exhaustive list of reasons. I told my mum as much the day after I met him, before we’d even been on a proper date!

As a result, I didn’t make a note of any of those little details when we first met – things like, the date of our first kiss, what I thought of him, what song was playing in the background etc. Because I felt that there would be no point and things would be most likely to end up the way every other relationship had

I think as well, that you can’t be single for as long as that and not become acutely aware that you can definitely manage life by yourself, or that you might find someone else and do just fine – because you’ve been forced to do that before. So I know from experience that I could definitely live without him, but I don’t want to. He makes every part of my life better. 

I adore my fiance. He is by far the best man I’ve ever dated, the most thoughtful human being I’ve been involved with, and he treats me like I am precious. I am so happy that he is the one I am marrying and I am so glad I found him. I know the value of what I have, but I also don’t take it for granted.

 ETA, TL;DR – I don’t really believe in ‘just knew’ for myself although I think the idea is very sweet. For myself, experience taught me not to count my chickens before they’d hatched, and those same experiences made me more grateful for what I have, but I never assumed I ‘just knew’ – it was more a case of very much wishing, but being afraid of being disappointed once again.

Post # 30
Member
1938 posts
Buzzing bee

I “just knew”, but it was the worst thing to happen to me.  

I met “L” in college and I knew so completely that he was the only one for me in a way that reached down into my very soul that was so different from any other man I had loved before or since. There was nothing he could have done, no way that he could change, no possible way I could ever stop loving him. It was beyond looks, beyond actions, beyond words in a way I still can’t even explain. 

The only problem was he didn’t feel the same way. And so what happened is that while I remained completely and utterly devoted to him, the relationship became toxic. And honestly, while those things hurt me, in the grand scheme of things they did not matter, because I loved him more than I loved myself and I was willing to put up with anything to just be near him. I’m sure that sort of slavish love wasn’t very attractive to him, and it’s hard to respect someone who doesn’t respect herself. He eventually proposed, then dumped me a month later and used me for sex and attention for a year afterward. My very worst moment was after I was struck to the heart by 2 realizations: 
1. He was never going to be my husband
2. I was never, ever, ever going to stop loving him

After this, I tried to move on. But unlike any other breakup, this almost ended me. I was suicidal. I walked around like a dead person for over a year. After that I appeared almost normal but I was not. I couldn’t date anyone. L met someone, got married, and had children and I was still grieving him. It was 6 years before I stopped consistently crying over him. 8 years before I could go a day without thinking about him. Just as long before I could be in an actual relationship with someone else. 

I am now married to W, and I love him very, very much. But it’s not the all-encompassing, desperate, and insatiable love I had for L…and I’m GLAD for that. That type of love wasn’t healthy, it didn’t make me happy, and I lost myself within it. It was like a drug addiction. The love I have with my husband is strong, respectful, blissful. It makes me happy every single day. I have agency and independence, and I respect myself. 

I wouldn’t wish that type of love on anyone, even if the relationship does work out. It’s not romantic at all. It’s a chain around your heart, keeping you bound no matter what or why. It’s terrifying. 

For my husband, I am the woman he “just knew” about. That has been the cause of so much pain for him and I feel awful thinking about it. He didn’t date anyone for years because he had lost interest in other women. I believe that if something happened to me or us, he would be single for the rest of his life. That doesn’t make me happy. I want him to have a life filled with love and happiness, even if I’m not a part of it. I don’t want him to grieve me forever.

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