Post # 1
For those of you that were on the fence about having kids, how did you finally make up your mind on which way to go?
When I was younger I was firmly in the “no kids, EVER” camp all the way until 21 when I met my now husband. Now, I love babies and can see us having a family (especially since we both came from amazing, loving families) but I am still not overly maternal. My husband is the exact same way, never wanted kids until he met me, and a bit uncomfortable around them still.
Part of me really wants to have a family, and create the same environment that my parents created for me. However, I have a hobby that takes up a lot of time and money and I am in NO way ready or willing to give it up to have kids, which I would have to do. I take this to mean I am either not ready to have a family, or am not the mother type.
The prospect of giving up my hobby (which is a huge part of my life) even for 2-3 years while the kids are young makes me equally as sad as the idea of never having a family.
I’m SO torn. I know I have time – I am almost 26, hubby is almost 30, but we don’t have forever and want to have at least one kid before he turns 34 if that’s the direction we choose.
Sorry for the vent! This thought takes up too much of my time lol 🙂 and I’d love to hear everyone else’s thoughts. Anyone else been in this predicament?
Post # 3
If it weren’t for Fiance I would be in the “no kids camp” as well. He loves kids and wants a family and I certainly will not stop him from having one, I just dont want it any time soon. We’ve both agreed that 30 is a good age for us to start & finish having children. I personally only want 1 (I was an only child and thourghilly enjoyed it) however Fiance wants 2 since he has a brother and they have a great relationship. Frankly, it comes down to whos going to be pushing something the size of a watermelon out something the size of a lemon!
Maybe in the future I’ll change my mind and we’ll have a second child but as of right now, I will be content only having 1.
Post # 4
Ahh at first I thought you meant kids vs no kids at a wedding!!!
Ive never been on the fence – I have known forever that I want to have kids and cant wait to have a baby in the [relatively near] future. Im not ready for one now but probably in about 4-5 years we will be ready to have a child. There are certain things we would like to accomplish first (buy a house, become more established, save more money, earn more money, travel more) but I think we will know when the time is right.
Post # 5
I was very no kids growing up as well (probably because I was an only child and was never around babies). I’ve really come around to it now but I don’t know if I want to completely give up a career for kids. We have time though so I’m not too stressed about it now. As for your hobby, maybe you can find a way to still be involved while the kids are little? You are going to have to figure out the money situation after you have kids though, since that will take up a lot of money that might be going toward that hobby now. In the end, you are going to have to weigh whether you want to keep doing that for as long as you can and forgo kids or possibly forgo your hobby for a while and have kids. No one can make that decision for you.
Post # 6
I am in the “in theory this would be nice but there are a lot of things I want to do in my life that make kids impractical” camp. We’ve discussed having up to two – I think we’ll likely have one, and see how the finances/my experience with childbith go! We’d really like to make sure that the college of our child is paid for, without having to risk our own retirement savings, plus we’d like to make sure there’s enough buffer that we can travel extensively with our child/ren and really expose them to all sorts of experiences and cultures. That becomes a lot mor edifficult the more you have!
Post # 7
We definitely want kids, but will wait a few years. I read somewhere once that having kids doesn’t mean letting go of your life…it simply means making adjustments to make them a part of your life. We’ve waited so long because we were afraid to let go of our nomadic lifestyle, but you know what? We’ve come to the conclusion that they will just be a part of that (unless, of course, we see that it is no longer conducive to raising them then we will consider living a more settling life). It’s important to be flexible, you never know what life will throw at you.
Post # 8
I never wanted kids really. Well at least not until wayyyy later in life. My hubby and I got pregnant totally out of the blue with our first son. After being a mom and my whole life transforming, I realized that there is nothing else I would rather be. I still kept my hobbies, friends, my hubby and I still go on dates. Just not all the time like we used too. Before kids, I never understood why anyone would want to give up so much of their life for a child. It just seemed like a total loss of identity to me. Then I realize becoming a mother doesn’t erase who you are, its adds to who you are. And being a mom is the most unexplainable, emotional, love filled thing. Once you know your growing something inside you your life doesn’t change, it just shifts.
No one is “ready” to be a parent. You can’t prepare yourself fully and you have no idea whats ahead. And thats what I think most “no kids” couples are afraid of. The not knowing. Just like everything else in this world though, it just works out. And believe me, its amazing.
Post # 9
I just had dinner with friends who have been dating for 5+ years. The subject of kids came up and she announced that she didn’t want them…ever. You should have seen the look on his face. It was like someone deflated him. He looked like he was going to cry. Apparently they’ve discussed it a few times, but he’s in the “she’ll come around” boat. I feel soo bad for them. i didn’t know what to say!!
Darling Husband didn’t want kids when we first got together. He’s from the “I like my life the way it is and I don’t want anything changing it” camp. I told him from the start that I wanted kids, and if he didn’t want them, he could let me know and I would find someone else who did. Fast forward 8 years, and he’s come around. We both realize that he generally rejects change, but once he’s forced into a new situation (moving in together, buying a house…etc), he ends up really enjoying it. Kids are the same way. They’re a big scary change, but they can be totally worth it!
Post # 10
I am pretty firmly in the no kids camp. I am 28 and my fiance is 30 and our friends are just starting to have kids of their own, so while there’s time to change our minds, I don’t anticipate it happening. I see us as being an amazingly awesome aunt and uncle, but the fact of the matter is neither of us is very nurturing and neither of us wants to make anywhere near the sort of sacrifices requires. Kids just aren’t worth that to us.
We actually had a discussion about this this weekend – he is more on the fence than I am and I really don’t want him to marry me and then feel like I’ve taken away his chance to have a son. But he only wants a son (despite being a feminist, he just wants a kid in his own image) and he does not want to change his schedule or sacrifice his work for it. Which is 1) realistic and 2) he knows he chose the wrong girl for that.
There was a post on A Practical Wedding a few weeks ago talking about how whatever choices we make in life, about this or something else entirely, we have to accept that we’ve given up the other alternatives. I do feel exposed to a lot of “you’ll change your mind” or “you’ll regret this when you’re older” but I also have a feeling that if something does happen and I do end up with children, a good part of me will also be filled with regret for the years that it takes to raise them.
Post # 11
We’re still on the fence! Most of the time, we think we don’t want kids, but we also know that a lot can change in a few years. We’re open to it if one day in the future we decide we want them.
Post # 12
That’s totally a huge part of it, the loss of identity. My hobby has been my life for so long and is a huge part of who I am. I gave it up for a year to help plan/pay for the wedding and while it was worth it – its been a LONG year and not having that outlet has been very trying at times. The thought of giving that up for ~5 years is kind of terrifying. And having something depend on you for 20+ years is even more terrifying.
But we’ve got names picked out and everything…I thrive on change, but not the kinda change that takes away a part of who I am by choice, even if you’re adding something else in. If that makes any sense?
Thanks guys! Its easier to bounce ideas off of other people. My husband and I talk about it but we both feel he same right now – kinda confused, definitely on the fence. Luckily we do have time, I’m just a planner and hate not knowing how I feel about something!
I know our parents would be disappointed too, both sides really want grand children, but that is absolutely the wrong reason to have kids.
Post # 13
Portlandbride – I am wondering if that’s how we should be too, lol. Mostly on the no fence so that we don’t get any (grandparent) hopes up, and if we change our minds they will be pleasantly surprised? 😉
Post # 14
@noopnoop:what is your hobby? i have a really hard time believing you’d have to give it up completely to have kids.
Post # 15
We want kid(s). I know at least one but I’m not sold on 2. We’ll see, but right now we’ve both said that with our lifestyle and the amount of long haul travel we both do (and will continue to do) one child is a lot easier to take with. I’m an only child and traveled extensively while a toddler and growing up and loved it!
My SIL doesn’t one kid. At all. Which should prove interesting with my PIL. They’re slightly nuts and it would be nice if she had at least one kid to take some of the brunt of their craziness off of us but if not we’ll deal. I do like spreading the pain of the IL around 🙂
Post # 16
@kitzy – i ride horses competitively. i ride 5 days a week – or will, when i get my horse back from the lease at the end of the month. horse shows on the summer. when i was younger (16-20) i went to Florida for the winters to show, and want to get back to that point when we are financially able – my heart is in Florida and I miss it so much. but there’s no way we could afford that and to have kids, or even one kid.
I’d have to sell my horse for sure. I wouldn’t ride while pregnant, or when the baby was very young. Depending on finances I could probably go back to doing a lesson a week or something but I doubt we’d be in a position for me to have a horse again, much less be able to horse show, until the kids were much older…and then with college to pay for, I don’t even know if that would be possible.
People do it, but they’re the ones who make a whole lot more than we ever will!