(Closed) The “kids” vs “no kids” debate

posted 10 years ago in Babies
Post # 32
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Some really good responses are on this thread…

My SO and I are not 100% however things are a’changing. For as long as I can remember, I was adamantly “NO kids. No way. Not ever.”. Right before I met SO I began some really intensive therapy about my history with an abusive family. Then SO came along, who loves kids and wasn’t 100% sold on the idea but was leaning towards it. Between therapy, and learning the wonderful, beautiful person that is my SO and the family she grew up with, things started to change in me. I had to address to major personal hurdles: (1) my own family history and that despite it I AM capable of creating a loving and happy family; and (2) that in this messed up society that does not support women, let alone mothers, that I have the strength in myself and my partner to do this. Those were by FAR the biggest things holding me back from ever considering raising a family of my own.

I just turned 26 years old (SO is about to turn 31). This “revelation” of me wanting kids began only 4-5 months ago. We’re openingly talking about our “future kids” almost daily, undecided still but giddy with possibility. I can see myself happy with one kid, however SO has mentioned more than once wanting multiple so that they can grow up with siblings.

I have some newer concerns about finances, and my career. I have invested so much into my career so far and I’ve heard from many sources that a woman’s earning potential plateaus when she has kids. I don’t think I’ll be in a position within the next few years where I’d be comfortable knowing my earning potential has plateaued! But really, these newer concerns are much easier to grasp and work with after taking the years to get to know myself, what I want, and what I’m capable of.

Post # 33
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I will be 27 next month and hubs is 28, and we are in the no kids EVER camp.  I was exactly the opposite growing up too, I always wanted to get married young and have kids, possibly be a sahm.  Now, I can’t imagine having kids at all.  We get the “you’ll change your mind” all the time, which is so freaking annoying!!  I seriously do not want kids, and will be really happy when people shut up about it.  At least my parents have my brother to possibly carry on his name, but if we don’t have any kids then the name dies with the hubs.  But that is certainly not enough of a reason to have children!!!  If it happens, it happens, but we are doing whatever we can to make sure that it doesn’t!  We have big plans for our lives and kids would ruin them

Post # 34
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

We plan on having kids. LOTS of them. I actually would love to have multiples. My sisters are twins and they have such an amazing connection and I would love for my kids to have that. Mr. Shef only has one brother and likes the idea of just two kids but I am from a family with 4 and love the idea of more. We might compromise at two. lol

Post # 35
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

I agree that the ‘you’ll change your mind’ or ‘your clock is going to start ticking’ or ‘you’re running out of time’ stuff is annoying.  Terribly so, really.  I think its great that other people think its wonderful, but its just not for me.  We love being able to spend time with family and then leave and do our own thing with no kids around.  We also enjoy spending our time and money on leisure activities and other fun things cost money and time that I might not be comfortable doing if I had kids.  To each their own.

Oh, and I know people that wanted kids just to carry on their name or because they were afraid that no one would take care of them when they are older and I think that those are really not good reasons.  But in the end, all that matters is that they are loved and cared for once they are here 🙂

Post # 36
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

FS and I are definitely firmly set into the “NO KIDS” camp.  I’ve been saying since I was 12 that I don’t want them, and we’re 28 and 30 right now.  I’m a teacher, so I do like kids, I just recognize that I’m too selfish to want to take care of a child 24/7, and FS feels the same way about himself.  It’s a good thing I’ve had a hysterectomy and he’s had a vasectomy because I’d don’t know what I’d do if I accidentally got pregnant.

I say do some soul searching…you have a couple years until you want to try for sure as you said.  What you can do is get both yourself and hubby checked fertility wise no, so that if you want to try in 3 years, you could deal with any potential problems, if any, now.

Post # 37
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

@MrsSl2be…AMEN SISTER!!

Post # 38
Member
820 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

We’re personally not on the fence, I’ve wanted to have kids for as long or longer than I can even remember. However, I can totally understand all the other points and I imagine that life is pretty good on both sides. I don’t think you should worry about regretting your decision either way. I think on both sides, one would always wonder “what if” though not necessarily regretting their life decisions. My mom had 3 kids and I know she loves all of us more than words could even say, and while she often says she wouldn’t trade her experience raising us for ANYTHING… she also always says, in another life she would have traveled the world and done a ton of philanthropic work in other countries. What that says to me is that either way, kids or no kids, you can find a way to make your life rich and fulfilling in whatever way you choose…and also, no matter what, you’ll always sort of envision what your life would have been like in the other camp…Whether it’s with regret or not, it’s something you’ll probably at some point think about. 

 

Post # 39
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@monalisa670:

Wonderful point!  You made me think about that in a way I never have before – very interesting view.  Now I’ll be wondering what we all would be doing in our ‘flipped’ imaginary lives, lol!

Post # 40
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011 - Blossom Heath

I have been one of those people that if I had kids great if I didn’t great ever since I was a teenager. My FI and I have been together since senior year of high school and he comes from a small family so he has always wanted alot of kids. We recently had the conversation about really wanting and how soon would we be trying for kids and I realized I only want kids because of him. If he was one of those guys that said that he didn’t want any kids EVER I would be completely ok with that. I just feel like there are so many things that I still want to do and I’m not sure I can with 3 kids.

So you are not alone but like you said we still have time to change our minds.

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