(Closed) The Knot's MOH duties list (spinoff post)

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

Holy shit, that’s a lot of emotional labor for an unpaid volunteer position. I kinda want to look at old Emily Post wedding guides and see how much of this is rooted in ‘tradition’ and how much of it is out of control 21st century wedding industry devilry (my money is on most of it). 

Post # 17
Member
1998 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I have to say as a former Maid/Matron of Honor I did some of these and don’t think its unusal. 

#1 yes, I made sure everyone knew times and dates to be where they needed to be. I coordinated the maids getting their dresses, sizes, shoes, so we could order together. (We are all close friends so this was very easy because we have known each other for years so no big deal.) I honestly had fun helping and was glad to be able to take something off my best friends plate. 

2. I did not help shop for her dress. She didn’t want any help. My Maid/Matron of Honor came with me when I shopped for mine. 

3. I helped give her inspiration on ideas (pinterest group board). I also helped her put together centerpieces a few nights before and help put together gift bags. No biggie. I liked helping. Isn’t that what friends do? lol. 

6. Def did a lot of listening to ideas, logistics, and sometimes just venting. We all need that. 

8. I attended pretty much everything with the exception of one emergency. 

10. yes, i planned her bachelorette! It was awesome we went to the Bahamas! 

13. 15.  Yes, I held the grooms rings and her bouquet during the wedding. 

21. I did not dance with the best (awkward, haha) but we were introduced together and had to do a little entrance dance!

22. I gave a toast to the new couple.

All in all I didn’t do everything on the list but I don’t think anything is crazy on it. The bridesmaids role in my opinion is to support the bride (however that may be) and celebrate the couple. I have always been excited to help my friends when they get married. 

Post # 18
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Yes – 6 9 14 15 16 22

no – 1 2 3 4 5 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 18 19 20 21 23 24

 

I feel this was written for a Lifetime movie.

Post # 19
Member
1569 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I was Maid/Matron of Honor for my best friend who based my duties off this list. However she didn’t share it with me, and so I based what I needed to do off what I assumed (bachelorette party, dress, and support) and what my mother said when I asked her. The biggest issue was that my mom insisted that the bride’s family arranges the shower, and so I was in contact with her sisters about them planning it and helped with setup.

 

In her eyes, I was the worst Maid/Matron of Honor ever. It ruined our friendship and we have never been the same due to the way she and her sister treated me and the nasty things they said. Just a cautionary tale to encourage you to share the list with your Maid/Matron of Honor if this is what you expect.

Post # 20
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I am blessed enough to have my Best friend as my Maid/Matron of Honor.  Even better is that she is OCD and OSS (Old School Southern) so she knew about this list before me.  She has done and will do everything listed if needed.

That being said I would have never expected it of her.  

 

Post # 21
Member
1323 posts
Bumble bee

My Maid/Matron of Honor offered to help with anything before the wedding and she attended my dress shopping along with the mothers. 

Other than that, she just needed to keep me company the morning of while we got our hair and makeup done, wear a pretty dress that she chose (in the colour I specified), and help me with my rather cumbersome dress if I struggled with stairs, toilet etc. It wasn’t “expected of her”, she wanted to do those things; having any “duties” is just outrageous!

Post # 22
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
Speck_:  Here’s the original 1922 Post manual

http://www.bartleby.com/95/21.html Pre-wedding preparations: Post establishes the guideline that wedding party pays for their attire, but also frames this attire as a uniform worn to complete a certain look.  I think that it’s important to note that Post is obviously directing this advice toward social circles of not insignificant financial means.  Post does not mention any of the modern pre-wedding parties, but does suggest that it would not be out of place for the bride and/or her mother to give a lunch for the wedding party.

http://www.bartleby.com/95/22.html On the day of the wedding.  The focus is solely on the bridesmaids being dressed properly and prettily and marching properly in the wedding spectacle.  The Maid of Honor must attend to the bride’s veil and train up at the altar.  I’m skimming at this point, but it appears that the bridal party are expected to stay in the drawing room where the couple receive guests, and then join them at a meal (with a seating arrangement that somewhat recalls a head table).  They are expected to join in the dancing.  However, we also have to remember that the people in the social circles and classes who were the primary audience for this text would regularly attend dances (where it would have been considered rude not to dance with a variety of partners, including those in whom one had no romantic interest) and would regularly attend dinner parties where the seating went man-woman-man-woman… and spouses were sat apart from one another. 

Indeed, the duties, such as they are, are placed on the male attendants, especially the Best Man and the ushers.  There is a bit of a paradox with the bridesmaids: they are clearly more like props in this account of weddings than we are comfortable with in contemporary weddings, but they also have far less to do (and to spend money on, outside of their attire) according to the old Post book than according to modern lists of wedding party “duties.”  (Plus, these were young women who often came from families where the expenses of bridal party attire could be easily covered.)

Post # 23
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
llevinso:  I literally told my bridesmaids that all I wanted from them (including my MOH) was to be at my wedding wearing a dress I would do my best to ensure wasn’t horrible and tell me I look pretty or something.

My Maid/Matron of Honor has taken it upon herself to plan a bridal shower and bachelorette party; I certainly didn’t ask her to do it. All I asked was to keep the bachelorette low-key, and if possible have the two the same weekend since it will be out of state for both me and her.

2 of my other bridesmaids have volunteered to do some on-the-ground work since they live in or near the city where we are getting married, but again, this was something they asked to do first. I did not expect it of them.

Post # 24
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I think that if someone ever asks me to be their Maid/Matron of Honor I’ll check and see if they read The Knot. That is a very long list. 

Post # 25
Member
5842 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

I was Matron Of Honor for my Maid/Matron of Honor 2 years ago (There was also a maid of honor so we divided and conquered). I was a badass Maid/Matron of Honor so I was suprised I said No to so many of these. To the list!

1. Not really… I did pass along information when we went bridesmaid dress shopping/to the bachelorette but I never felt like I was wrangling them

2. Did this

3. Nope but I live in another state, I would have gone to cake tasting if I had been asked (she came to my food tasting)

4. Nope

5. Nope

6. Yes… I continued to be her friend

7. Nope, her mom insisted

8. Missed the engagement party

9. Did this

10. Did this

11. No, they are adults

12. No, they are adults

13. Nope

14. I fixed her train at the altar but I did not bustle her dress

15. Maid of honor did this

16. Nope

17. N/A

18. Nope

19. Nope

20. Nope

21. Danced into the reception (terribly)

22. Yep and I cried (a LOT)

23. We did have one long phone call over the location but my friend is not very needy

24. ? This is why we’re friends

 

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