The lies and even more lies.

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
10034 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

tuesday31 :  You don’t trust or respect him any more.  I also hate lies so I understand how you feel. 

He should have come clean and been honest with you months ago.  From his point of view perhaps he is really not ready for marriage or to be engaged.  He screwed up, badly.  He could have brought you into his confidence and explained his hesitation about getting engaged.  If he couldn’t afford a ring he should have shelved his ego and told you.  You don’t sound like a high maintenance or un-understanding partner.  He disrespected you by not trusting you with the truth.

He needs to earn back your trust and respect, if that’s even possible.  I wish you all the best.

Post # 17
Member
1916 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“HE agreed to a timeline.  HE didn’t meet it.  HE lied to you about the ring.”

Exactly. And now you need to see it from his perspective?? Get outta here with that. I don’t think he really intends on marrying you, at least not anytime in the near future. He will continue to string you along, claiming that you are “over the top” for daring to ask anything about your future together. He is gaslighting you. I think it’s actually good that you’ve lost respect for him. It will make it easier to leave.

Post # 18
Member
326 posts
Helper bee

tuesday31 :  At this point if he proposes and you say no prepare for that to be the end of the relationship. You need to sit down and talk through all of this. At any point before the year ended did you say “hey I dont need a ring for you to propose?” Because he lied and that’s definitely something that needs to be worked through but in today’s world men are put under pressure to plan a grand proposal with a huge ring or it’s not good enough. Many women unknowingly let this vibe off. 

 

You guys definitely have things to work through but do this: say you dont need a ring for a proposal and see his reaction. Then you’ll know if finances are really a problem. I know people who didnt get rings until after they married because they didnt have the money. A courthouse wedding will run s couple hundred dollars depending on where you live. If you really want to marry him and not just get a proposal; and if hes not worming his way out then you can be proposed to next week without a ring and married next week at the courthouse.

Post # 19
Member
1916 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“Unless you are content with being the perpetual girlfriend and providing him all the wifely comforts he’s currently enjoying (yeah you screwed up there)”

She didn’t screw up by “providing him with wifely comforts” unless she was trying to sell them in order to buy marriage. A good man doesn’t reluctantly give you marriage in exchange for sex and maid service.

Post # 20
Member
2586 posts
Sugar bee

You ARE seeing this from his point of view. You’re seeing it from everyone’s point of view. He lied to you. For MONTHS. Then lied some more. Then some more. 

Those are the objective facts – from your point of view, from his point of view, from OUR point of view.

Time to leave this dud.

Post # 22
Member
326 posts
Helper bee

tuesday31 :  I’m never one to jump on the “dump him” train unless someone posts about blatantly abusive things going on. Its just not something I do because I dont know you two enough. Emotions around proposing runs high. If you think your done then that’s that. But at this point an ultimatum of “no seriously propose with nothing by xyz date or I’m sorry I cant” would reveal all. If you are religious you can get a session or 2 of counseling to talk through this. Or pay for a session from a secular counselor. Or talk together to a long married couple for wisdom. 

Post # 23
Member
1481 posts
Bumble bee

tuesday31 :  Yeah his bullshit is pretty bad in this situation. He had the chance to propose and didnt’. Realistically you could get a fake diamond for now and upgrade later and no one would know. He had options and didn’t do them. My girlfriend had her boyfriend lie to her for 6 months about how he had purchased the ring when he didn’t. He ended up leaving her with no warning on a random tuesday completely devastating her. There was a reason he wasn’t proposing after him having agreed to the plan and going ring shopping with her etc. I am so sorry bee. If you feel your feelings for him have changed and you couldn’t get past it than I think you need to break up. I agree with other people that he has a major character flaw. The lying is a pretty bad habit to have, and on top of that his pride kept him from being honest? Yeah not a guy id want as a hubby by my side. 

SO sorry bee, this really sucks and I feel for you. Go read the thread on here from phillygirl about how she left her boyfriend who wouldn’t propose because it really changed her feelings for him. YOu can see from her post that she felt free and did the right thing moving on. 

Post # 24
Member
428 posts
Helper bee

Hope you’re doing ok bee! Sorry about your situation…any update? 

Post # 25
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2019 - City, State

It’s definitely bullshit. He’s not ready for marriage with you, for whatever reason. You need to get him to explain truthfully what that reason is. (Lack of money clearly isn’t the reason because you don’t care about that. It’s gotta be something deeper.) If he won’t or his reason is not enough, then you know what to do… The worst part isn’t even his incapability of proposing on time, it’s him lying about having the ring already. If he thinks something this little is worth lying about over, what else would he lie about in the future? How do you even know if his vows aren’t lies? (That’s what I would say to him.) I also strongly believe a man will never let go of “the one” and if he loses her, he will definitely try to win her back (with an apologetic speech that addresses all of your concerns and even a ring perhaps). If he doesn’t, well then she wasn’t the one to him after all. 

Post # 26
Member
725 posts
Busy bee

I’ve been here before… The emotion that you’re feeling is resentment. Tbh, it will not go away overnight, even if he does propose. I left him. I can’t tell you the weight that was lifted off of me. Only YOU know what is best for you and your relationship tho. I hope you choose well. Good luck, Bee

Post # 27
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I think this isn’t actually as clear cut as it seems. I agree the lies about the ring, not sticking to the timeline –  yes they are a problem. 

However…… I also think we underestimate the pressure we put on with this whole timeline nonsense. As the deadline approaches tensions build and the nagging and arguments must make everyone feel very disinclined to marry at all! He clearly has no money. How is he going to afford a wedding. Will you really be happy with a piece of string? And in many ways he is right it is only a piece of paper and at this moment in time may be its not that important. 

I know if the shoe were on the other foot and I was being nagged into proposing and we were actually arguing about it, then proposing would be the very last thing I’d do. Especially if I’d just quit my job and was trying to set up my own business and times were hard, and someone keeps banging on in my ear hole about a about a wedding! I can well see how he might feel he has enough on his plate already.

Lieing about the ring sucks. May be he is an asshole and doesn’t want to marry you. May be it shows he is feeling under too much pressure. I don’t know which is the right answer but both seem feasible. 

Good luck xx

Post # 28
Member
428 posts
Helper bee

Nope. Marriage is not just a piece of paper. A deed to a house is also “just a piece of paper.” Are you really going to say the legal implications of a deed to a house or a marriage license hold no weight? Get out of here with that.

Besides, if it is just a “piece of paper,” why is OP’s SO so unwilling to get the piece of paper? Money you say? Well fortunately, weddings are unnecessary to have a marriage. A marriage license is pretty cheap and there is such thing as vow renewals or receptions later on for couples who go to the courthouse and still want a wedding later on. jillsgills :  

Post # 29
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

neverbeenstungbee :  I think you can have the love and committment without being married. Of course there are legal implications but I am absolutely not getting married because of the legal implications. 

My point really is – is this the moment. As you say weddings cost money. It’s all well and good saying – I’m sorry but that’s what’s required to get married. But if you’ve got no money it’s a stumbling block! A piece of string and a quick trip to the registry office are not that expensive granted – but I would be willing to predict that that would not really go down very well in reality. 

Anyway – I just got a sense of quite a lot of pressure being put on someone who is probably already under a lot of pressure in all areas of his life and may be it’s not that he doesn’t want to get married it’s just that he feels he can’t do it right now for other reasons other than an inadequate supply of love and committment. Or as I say – he might just be an ass. 

Post # 30
Member
45 posts
Newbee

I’m sorry, that is a pretty crappy situation.

I think,  you should seriously consider seeing a counsellor just to help you unpack whats happened- regardless of if you’re staying or leaving- it will help you to talk it through.  If staying is still an option, then joint counselling is a must. He needs to understand how hurtful this is, how you’ve lost trust in him. Maybe he lied because he feels ashamed. Whatever the case, your current communications are not working and a mediator might be able to reopen them.

If you decide you can’t stay- which is completely understandable- then surround yourself with friends and family. Good luck!

 

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